H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[LL44]

Been keeping up with your thread, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you. So sorry....you are handling it so well.

[25yearsmlc]

Evie,

thinking of you and patting your back to encourage you. No matter what happened in "the talk", you got through it. It's over. There may be more of these "chit chats", but you will be better prepared. So, the worst is over. for the talking/communications.
Keep us posted.

((( hugs ))))
J-

[25yearsmlc]

PS I think I'm going to use up my last DB session (cheaper to buy in pkgs of 3 and they helped me more than anything else). I might get more. But for now I want to see how I'm tracking internally. Things seem fine and fun, but I need to tune up my outlooks to avoid relapsing into old negative outlooks on h's behavior.

Gotta go, but keep posting and Be Upbeat, happy, blah blah blah HEY, it IS a deal of Fake it til you make it. BTW, that works.

j

[Evie]

lots to tell and too much to write, so i'll make it as short as possible.

Went to see the solicitor on Friday and she gave me a lot of sound advice, but i'm still processing what she said and deciding on what i want to do.

She basically said she would act on my behalf and I wouldn't have to speak to H if i didn't want to. She said the amount of texts and emails i get from him are harrassement. She was a lovely lady who i related to immediately, i said i didn't want a fight with H, i was just concerned about my kids.

She advised that we could both fill in expenditure forms and all money earned by both of us would be put into a pot and would be split 60/40 my favour. If i didn't want the emotional connection with regards to the business i could come out of that too and he would still have to give me a portion of what he earnt. (I'll diverge a little here, the Ltd company has already been set up, apparently it was done in 2004, so the set up cost have already been paid. The annual audit costs would replace the current accountant fees, so the business would only have one set of fees per year. I would be a joint partner and draw a salary from it. The latter is what H has told me, however, i need to speak to the accountant to confirm all of this). H has suspended my business credit card and my right to sign business cheques. This has backfired on him, b/c he now has added work to do, (eg wages, banking, paying the bills, not his strength, but mine, but hey it's bought me some much needed extra time in the month). H filled my car up with Diesal yesterday, so i'm ok for a while and he said that the business will continue to run my car.

Back to Friday, solicitor advised me not to see H that evening. I texted h and said as a result of stopping the funds to pay the mortgage etc i had sought legal advice and wouldn't be meeting him that evening. Well - you can imagine his reaction - anger, he accused me of starting a fight, that he only wanted to be fair, that i had driven a huger wedge between him and the girls, that he only wanted to sit down and talk, the usual Cr*p and the same resentments coming up.

I phoned him and said i didn't want a fight, my solicitor's major concern as was mine was the children. He had stopped all funds and i'd had no alternative but to seek legal advise. I said he didn't trust me but he expected me to still trust him!!!! I said i wasn't going to be bullied into anything and the solicitor was ready to act on our behalf if i gave her the go ahead. The conversation was over an hour long and we both cried, he said he couldn't even afford to buy yoghurts for the boys and he had done what he had done to get my attention b/c i wouldn't sit down and discuss matters.

I pointed out that it had only been a month since i had learnt he had really moved on and previous to that the last 6 months i had lived in hope of a reconciliation, so the last month had caused me a huge setback, and emotionally i wasn't ready for to deal with this and why commit to a flat he couldn't afford? He said he hasn't got the income from the private lessons during the month long school holiday as he had budgeted for. I said it wasn't like him to not be so astute and he should have thought about these things before moving. He said he works so bl**dy hard and has nothing to show for it!!! i replied that he had, but he choosen to move away from it all.

He still wanted to come round and write financial things down. He bought a takeaway meal (paid for out of the business). We went over the finances, the properties in the UK and France. But i said i need time to think.

The solicitor said i could stay in this house, the kids need stability. However, this is a big house to maintain and the utilities are huge. H said he had been advised from his millionaire property developer friend that it would make sense to sell this house. He said property prices are going to fall in the next 2 years and i could then get a property that was cheaper for me in terms of mortgage. I said to him I could see the sense, but OUR CHILDREN needed stability, not to keep moving b/c of a property investment. I'm just not sure which way to go. He also said he would get a loan for £50,000 for me to offset the french property. Don't question me about this b/c i've kinda got my head around this but not enough to explain to you guys.

H has since offered me an amount each month to cover the bills. He says he has forms for me to fill in for the ltd company and i'll have a wage and my own credit card etc etc.

I haven't got my head around it all yet and i'm not about to agree or sign anything. I took my colleague with me to the solicitor's so I want to sit down with her again tomorrow, speak to the accountant and solicitor again.

Out of everything that was said with H either via text/phone/in person, one line stands out for me that he said and that is he said 'he was that unhappy, he used to lie awake staring at the wall'...

If your still here, thanks for listening.

25yrs - hope your session goes well.

[seekpeaceofmind]

He is being so controlling and aggressive about these financial/business matters - I'm really glad that you are now working with advisors who will have your best interest in mind and help you make rational, well-thought decisions.

I thought of you last night and this morning. I am taking baby steps toward getting ready to sell our house and buy a new one alone. Last night it finally sunk in that I stand to forfeit 1/2 the equity and this is our major investment together. I have no confidence that H will make wise decisions with his 1/2 and I am bothered about the potential for a bunch of it to be taken away in taxes. Then I thought about how many more of these transactions/decisions you are dealing with all at once. As for many LBS these major lifestyle changes are foisted on us. My main feeling (I keep the anger pushed away) is one of sadness - it all just seems so wasteful. Not just a waste of money, time, energy, but also the love and dreams that were created by our lives together as a couple. Maybe this doesn't resonate with you, but it is where I am today.

Maybe your H was unhappy and staring at the wall - but that is his problem, not yours. If he had been willing to confide in you, trust in you and try to grow as a person and a couple, then you could have done your part to help him find his own happiness. But, he chose not to go there. That is his responsibility. Maybe after he settles down about the money and gets over his pity party, he will be more introspective and develop some new thoughts about the marriage and his part in it. Meanwhile - Let time heal you and believe in yourself. Reflect back on the wise words of your friend who honored your loving commitment to your M and be glad for your own ability to take responsibility for your pain and your happiness. I don't mean to sermonize here, but thought a little cheer of "Yeah for Evie - she's a strong, evolving woman" might be nice now.

[25yearsmlc]

Evie,

listen to your solicitor, (don't tell h every time you see her, seriously....why?) and don't keep getting dragged into these discussions. Sounds as if nothing your H offers to pay are better deals than what you're entitled to, so wth? Listen to the Solicitor. Do NOT get sucked into any "woe is me" about his choices. They were completely his choices. They didn't include your input,( or your interests either. ) Veer off the topic and let him face the consequences of this choices, without rubbing his nose in it. Maybe suggest he get a studio apt or whatever... It's as if this has just occurred to him? Hello???

Remember, no matter what h has convinced himself of about his concern for the boys and him not being a bastard, and being fair, blah blah blah, well here's my 2 x 4, he is a liar and he is a man who'll leave his wife and lie to her (to spare her feelings!!??!!....oh sure sure, lying to you was NOBLE of him....and cutting your cards off was inexcuable, but he had to do that, ... "To get your attention".....wth???!!! Guess that's why you went to the solicitor too...to get his.

Anyhow, I don't know what "bastards" are like, but some of them do the things I just mentioned that your h has done. Somehow he has to see that, without you being the one to point it out. I mean, is he heroic in this life story? At one point 2 years ago when h said something about doing nothing wrong by not telling me about the fellowship 300 miles away and not wanting to hurt me by telling the truth, blah blah blah, I actually said, "thank you for that. The lying ---oh wait, I mean the "witholding" of crucial life changing information on your part, was noble..." I may have made it into a sarcastic comment (I do some stand up comedy and did say in one rant, "I hate it when lying gets twisted into being a noble trait, with "I WAS GOING to tell you....but.....or I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU but. and the "but" is followed by something WE have done to prevent them from being honest. Please. I do use humor to diffuse and at that time it worked. As my DB coach once said, regarding the whole "applaud loudly for the 1% good they do" was so hard, I called it the "Mother Teresa" approach.

Okay, it's way late here. My DB session isn't this week, but I'll keep you posted. I feel a little backslide and yet, you recall that H's mom is suddenly dying and I have a feeling that he is already starting to "get it" as to how it'll feel. He has only an inkling though. (My dad died a decade ago, and it was a big deal for me) If I know my h, this will hit him hard in the guts and that will change our R for awhile. Maybe for the better, God I hope so. This is uncharted territory for him. I know for many reasons, I MUST be a bit dutiful, if not a bit "heroic" at this time, in the coming months. Pay all the bills on both homes, maintain them, take care of kids, pay colleges and work full time, and be "FUN"....Maybe H's recent behavior, which is inconsistent but crappy at times, IS related to depression coming on. He isn't paying many bills and that is getting me nervous. Totally dropped the ball on taxes this year and past 2 years, no lie. WTH???? I bit my tongue. A lot. His job search is going at a glacial pace and he is a physician. Normally, this should not be hard as a task. But then, it sucks as something to do while your mom is dying, and you'll have to move, start the new job, deal with medical malpractice "tail" coverage--you write a big fat check to insurance companies when you LEAVE a medical practice job...nice touch. So I really have to back off and step up to the plate for h. More later.

BTW, I hope you found the Solicitor's comments reassuring in at least some ways. I mean, you may keep the house, IF YOU wish to. There were several pieces of good news in what she said. And they were better than what your h is saying. BTW, why would you both use the same lawyer? DId I misunderstand? You said "our" lawyer at one point and that confused me. I hope she is YOURS and yours alone. He can get his own. (Don't think for one minute that he has not sought legal counsel...no way. He has been planning this for a long long time). Doesn't he technically at least, earn more? Won't you get primary custody of the kids? The amount (% of actual time) of physical custody over here in the US, affects the amount of child support, fyi.
(( j ))

[LL44]

Wow, so much at once, I am terribly sorry.

H totally backed you into a corner, and you got help. I am so proud of you. Notice he backed off a bit (now is willing to pay the bills).

I thought of you last night and this morning. I am taking baby steps toward getting ready to sell our house and buy a new one alone. Last night it finally sunk in that I stand to forfeit 1/2 the equity and this is our major investment together. I have no confidence that H will make wise decisions with his 1/2 and I am bothered about the potential for a bunch of it to be taken away in taxes.

I am facing this as well, but like you said, its nothing compared to having everything come at you at once. Thinking of you.

[saffie]

Evie,

You have gone quiet - are you ok?

[girlfromipanema]

I've been following your thread. I hope you're doing OK... thinking of you and wish you strength.

[Evie]

Hi all,

Still here, i just have a lot to process and a lot of decisions to make.

I spoke with the accountant yesterday and he said it would be unethecal to tell me anything false. He said all the set up cost to go ltd were done in 2003. He explained it all to me very patiently and said to me basically men/women change/set up their business's as Ltd to stop their partners making a claim on the business. He said H wasn't doing that he was offering me 50% of the business as an equal shareholder. He said that for me personally he would take H up on his offer, that finicially i had A LOT to gain. My responsibilities have lessened now as from last week. This work is manageable and flexible and i have worked too hard to through/walk away from it all.

There is more going on in my head, but more later.

Love to you all.

Thanks for all your support.

PS H has agreed to pay a sufficient amount to me to cover his half of the mortgage, i'll have to take over the bills, but with cutback i'll manage. Phew for now.

Love Evie. xxxxx