Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

[Hope4us]

Ok Going, Puppy, Sara. I've thought about your comments and come up with a letter with a different tone. I guess I can always pull out the FU letter if she doesn't respond to this one. Comments please.


WW,

Help me out. I’m having a hard time trusting that you are serious about wanting to try to make our marriage work with your continued silence in not responding to my note on Tuesday. Maybe you’re still thinking of how to respond. Maybe you’re still deciding if you can give me those things I need to feel safe that you’re sincere in wanting to give us a try. But let me explain what I see from my perspective. In that note I asked for three things to make me feel comfortable that you were serious about seeing if we could work it out. These three things would go a long way towards showing me that I can begin to trust you again. If you can’t/won’t do them, I can only think you have no intention of giving us a try.

If you honestly told OM you couldn’t see or talk to him again, what would be the harm in sending an email/letter saying that just to give me some peace of mind? If you truly want to try to make us work, why not send an email/letter? By you not agreeing (at least yet) to do this, I feel like you don’t care about what I need to begin to trust you again. I also question if you truly are serious about never seeing/talking to him in anyway again if you’re not willing to do this. If you are being honest with me about having no plans/intentions of being with him, then this should be no problem. If we’re going to give this a try, this is something I need to begin to trust you again. If you can’t do this little thing, how am I to trust that when you say you’re going somewhere or with someone that is truly the case and you’re not getting together with OM? Because you say “trust me”?

The second thing I asked for was for you to get rid of anything related to the affair that you still had. Pictures, cards, notes, Victoria’s Secret stuff you bought specifically for OM. If you can’t agree to that it says to me that you are unwilling to let go of the memory of OM and if you can’t let go of those things, you will never give us an honest chance at seeing if we could make it because every time you look at those things you are taken emotionally right back to the affair. Put yourself in my shoes. If I was the one that had an affair, could you honestly tell me you’d be ok with me continuing to hold on to anything that would remind me of my affair? I can understand you possibly being reluctant to do this, but if you’re serious about giving us a try, it is another thing that will give us the best chance to succeed.

The last thing I asked for is to either see a counselor or read a couple of books on how to recover a marriage after an affair. We both have a lot of stuff to deal with. Like you said there are trust issues on both our parts that will take a lot of time and effort to get past. There is a book called “After the Affair”. It is written for both people involved. It helps explain both perspectives. I know I need help understanding your side of the story because right now I just don’t. I also would like to know if you’ve considered the communications weekend thingie (Retro) I sent you the link to. The three things (dominating a conversation, treating you like a kid and controlling) I’ve heard you say you have problems with me on are all communication related (if I’ve understood you correctly). I want to make those changes because whether we make it or not, I don’t want to be that way. So if there was something we could do that would make us both better communicators, wouldn’t it be worth the try no matter what happens to us?

This is all too important to everyone involved to not make a serious effort. There are four lives at stake here. I can not and will not be a party to a false recovery effort only to destroy the kids and my emotional well being once again, whether it’s in three months or two years or whatever. I’ve had a year of my life stolen already and I refuse to have another two years of my life taken from me. My confidence has been destroyed. I now question everything in my life that I knew and trusted. Our family is suffering tremendously and I can no longer stand by and do nothing about it if you’re not serious about giving us a try. These three things I’ve asked of you are necessary for me to feel like I can trust you when you say you are willing to give us (all of us) a try. It would be far more harmful to let myself and the kids think there was a chance for us to make it if you have no real intention of trying.

Help me. Talk to me. Share with me your feelings. I can take anything you have to say. If we are truly to heal from this I will have to hear a lot of stuff from you that will HURT me to hear. But it’s the only way for us to recover. Like I said in my note Tuesday, if you will do the first two things I’ve asked we can put any relationship talk on hold for a while until we can get past some of the anger and become comfortable around each other again. But until I can feel that I can trust you’re serious about trying, I won’t be able to begin to trust anything.

Hope4Us.


What do ya think?