I don't know if I should I keep on posting on this thread but since I started this topic, I'll continue writing here.
It's been more than a week since their trip and let's see, there's been the grocery bag incident and the amusement park outing. My wife ended up going to an NBA game with some of her classmates the same night as the amusement park outing. She's just living up the life, isn't she?
That night she was out, I seized the opportunity to expose the affair to her family. Her two sisters were at the house, and her dad too. Now one of her sisters knows the whole thing because I told her about it a couple of weeks ago over the phone. She was the one who encouraged me to talk to the family since most of them were there. From our prior talks, I could see that she was on my side and agreed that what my wife is doing is totally messed up.
As I began the talk with my wife's family, the other sister was resistant to talking to me, which puzzled me. It turns out she was upset that the other sister had spoken to me and it appeared to her that it was that sister's idea that I talk to them. That's partially true but I've been wanting to talk to them for a while anyway and was just waiting for the right opportunity. When I found about the affair a month ago and my wife's non-desire to work things out, I told my wife that my family and her family needed to know about us. She agreed. And because I had a talk with the wife about her moving to the other house the other day, it was time that her family knew why. They knew that she was planning to take a room at the other house her dad owns but they only knew it was because we were "having problems." I felt they had to know what was going on.
Anyway, back to the sister, she wanted to talk later when my wife was there. I tried to convince her that this talk was important because it's about the family. She said she'll sit there but would not participate. I began by taking the tact of saying how much I love their sister/daughter, that she is the love of my life, that when I married her, I married her for life and that I'm committed to our marriage. Already, I could see that the sister's demeanor changed. She looked relaxed and was lending an ear. My wife and I are going through problems I told them, but I asked, did they know why my wife was planning on moving to the other house?
I let them know that my wife was having an affair. Looked like the other sister already knew. Their dad didn't. I proceeded to recount the day and manner of discovery, how long the A has been going on, what my wife's been telling me where she's going, and where she actually went, and all the other lies she's said. I also told them of my past agreement with my wife that I would pick up the slack around the house while she concentrated in school. They are first hand witnesses of what I have been doing (since some of them live with us) like taking care of the kids and doing the chores daily. They also know that my wife is not home most of the day.
I told them how my wife broke this agreement and breached my trust by building a secret relationship with another man during this time. And since my wife did not do well in school and can't continue with the course, clearly her extracurricular activities had an impact on her school. It was partly her dad's dream for her to finish the course. He funded her books and tuition. Hopefully he would see that he funded, and enabled, something else.
I emphasized to them my hope that my wife would come to her senses and turn away from all this nonsense and come back to me and the kids. I also owned up to my part in the problems of our marriage (my temper, my being strict with the kids, my neglecting her -- but how can I not, considering our agreement. It was a sacrifice. Alas, I could've done more to pay her attention).
There was also talk about how, if my wife continued in this path, this would severely impact the kids and their school if they found out. They agreed.
I told them about her intentions of continuing to see the OM and if it didn't work out with him that she would continue "dating." I let them know that her moving out was me setting boundaries, that the kids and I would not be subjected to her "single" lifestyle. It's basically giving her what she wants.
They chimed in about how their dad should reconsider funding his daughter's education, and how she should stay home and be with the kids more often. We all agreed that my wife is stubborn and she will do what she wants to do. They thought, however, that by having my wife move would give her too much freedom and she'll just go wild.
They had a different stance, however, in that no matter what happens between me and my wife, the kids need to be protected and not neglected. I reiterated that I'm already doing that. They don't seem to hear that I am still hopeful for the marriage.
I also added an apology about any action on my part for making life difficult for them by being so anal about things (they're messy and I'm, well I thought I was messy until I lived with this family. Hoarders, anyone?).
Her dad said that that daughter of his is his "worst daughter" (I didn't see that coming). BUT he can not change her. I agreed but I told them the reason I was telling them all this was not to have my wife convinced to change her mind but for them to know the truth about her move. He will still try to talk to her but I should be prepared for the worst (eek, what does that mean?). He said it could get ugly.
Anyway, overall I'm glad I talked to them. At least they know the truth about my wife's impending move and our situation. My next post is about what happened next...
That is the one thing I did during my ordeal I wish I had not done. It was extrememely hurtful to have pictures of OM on a computer. When my W went out of town, I deleted them all. I felt good for doing it, but it wasn't the 'taking the high road' kind of good, if you know what I mean. It was a revenge act meant to hurt her.
So, I wouldn't delete the pics. She needs to do that.
I think you handled the exposure beautifully. Owned up to your own part, but didn't make excuses for her, and let them know that you are willing to work at this, BUT that you have boundaries.
In fact, I've read what you said to the parents a couple times as I'm planning right now on telling my MIL about my WW's affair this Saturday. Only thing stopping that is my counselors advise when I talk to him tomorrow.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
DMB, I'm fighting as hard as I can to stop myself from deleting those pictures. I'm even tempted to just deface his face with buckteeth and cross-eyes.
Puppy, thanks. I dropped the ball, however, with what happens next. I'll write about it when I get back from work.
Hope, thanks as well. This exposure that I did is actually going against my C's advice. I "fired" him yesterday, however, and started seeing a different C beginning last Friday. The former C was actually really good but was expensive. I'm glad I met up with the current one. She's more of a fit in that she has a stated goal of rebuilding marriages.
As you all know, today is April Fool's Day. How I wish my wife would come out and say that this whole affair is just a joke and it never happened. I'll take that cruel joke over reality.
It's been more than a week since I last posted here.
First of all, here's the incident following the talk two weeks ago I had with my WW's family: I had a spat with my FIL. Yikes, I know. First one ever. I'm not going to elaborate on it too much but it's been resolved. It just involves me feeling slighted by him when he referred to me in the third person when talking to my wife while I was in both their presence. I know, it's silly. So I confronted him about it and he didn't take kindly to it. Much later, I approach him again and apologize. I told him I didn't mean any disrespect and I appreciate all that he does for our family. Strangely, we're more cordial to each other now.
What precipitated my reaction I think is the fact a day or two had gone by since *the* talk with the family, and my FIL hadn't talked to my wife about her affair. And it puzzled me and angered me that he wouldn't give her a good father/daughter talk about how harmful her affair is to the family, especially the kids. It's not that I was expecting it but come on, no word at all? (I asked my wife, that's how I know). But in hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised by it. Knowing his past - about how he carried on many affairs, known even by his kids at a young age - I should've realized he had no moral authority to do so. He talking to my wife and giving fatherly advice would've just prompted a "And? Why are you telling me this, Dad?" from my wife.
Hopefully, this (her past) and other issues will be addressed during our counseling sessions with our new therapist. We had our first joint counseling session last week since the initial one right after the bomb was dropped more than a month ago. My wife is willing to go and I see that as a good sign.
It's not a good sign, however, that she is choosing to see the OM still. She says she's not ready to let him go and that she's emotionally attached to him. This past Tuesday night, she told me she's spending time with him. She didn't come home until 4:50 am (sadly, I was waiting up for her and pretended to sleep). Her coming home that late (or early, whichever) was a first.
Another not-to-good sign is just this evening, she says we have to have a talk. She says that she will continue to see the OM one or two days a week, and Tuesday is one of those scheduled days. I then say, "Well, like we talked about, if you continue seeing him, you can't be staying here." And she says, "Sure, that's why I'll be cleaning up the room at the other house and I'll be moving out soon."
To be frank, I dread that move and I'm having second thoughts.
Thanks for the update. What, exactly, are you having second thoughts about? Enforcing your boundary?
Not only would I LET her move out, I would have replied "Well, you need to be out by ______," and give her a week. On the seventh day, while she was gone (preferably wait for a time you know she is with OM), pack up all her stuff and leave it for her in the front hall by the door, and offer to drive her anywhere she wishes.
Dan, you've manned up and gone from allowing her to wantonly cake-eat right in front of you and your sons, to standing up for yourself, your family, and learning to set and enforce boundaries. Back down now, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Puppy Dog is soooo right. I am very sorry. It hurts so much when they choose to continue the A. I was honestly shocked when my H continued it after he confessed. I naively believe "Wifey knows, affair is over". Nope. Glad you cleared things up with FIL.
Quote:
She didn't come home until 4:50 am (sadly, I was waiting up for her and pretended to sleep).
Oh I feel for you. So many times, I have been there. Its dark, lonely and downright miserable. The one benefit of you two living in separate houses is peace from that.
I also exposed the affair to my H's parents and hit a brick wall. I don't think it is that they don't have the moral authority it is that they just really can't be bothered with him or he is just not all that important to them, they think he is a screw up and this is just one more thing. They have not made any effort to contact him since, if he wasnts to talk to us he can come here. Sadly all it did was reinforce what H already thought about himself and give him one more obstacle in continuing in our R. I think this really works better when the person comes from a good caring family, but in your case her dad's behaviour likely formed part of hers and in mine his parents lack of support and affection likely formed part of his.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
