well, guys, I got through last night. I admit, I took an ambien, but it didn't really last through the night. I was actually better than I thought I would be. I spent all day yesterday during the day crying (quite literally, out in the open, on the street, can you imagine?) and by the evening, I was "cried out", I guess.
But I also had some insights. I will NOT ask him about last night, snoop, remind him of "our family", put guilt on him, nothing. And I am not going to do that just for the satisfaction (because I know he's expecting it today), I'm doing it for me. MY dignity. If this is what he is choosing, I can't stop him right now. It's like trying to get a drug addict to stop taking drugs. One has to reach their own conclusions and see what their actions are doing on their own. I hope this doesn't sound self-rightious , or that I'm acting superior, but the only way I'm going to get through this is to focus on ME and my daughter and how I can make a kick-ass life for myself (and her) regardless of what he does.
Am I angry and hurt today? Yes, of course. My daughter cried (not just "i don't want to go to school, tantrum crying), but buried her head in my chest and cried for her father. It broke my heart. But I stayed strong. I didn't bad-mouth him (would never do that), I just said he had to work (she's 5, so she's a bit young to understand the concept). h and I start mc next week and this is definately one of the issues I will bring up. How we handle our daughter.
Am I feeling sad and rejected? Yeah, I am. This is the first time he has ever stayed out all night. And it would almost be better if he "lied" and said he was with friends or a work thing. But we're past that stage. The truth is out there now.
I realized something this morning. I had to pick up my daughter from school about a half hour after she got there, because she has a fever.
AS I was walking down the hall, I caught a look at myself in this huge mirror. I gotta say, I look damn good for 38 and I got through last night! I'm alive.
I think what I'm realizing is that my h has been closed down emotionally since the beginning of our marriage and (Not to blame him, I have my side of the street as well), but I am realizing that his inability to talk about even the simplest things and his inability to handle any kind of affection except in sex, were huge issues for me that I buried. I'm not saying I want the marriage to be over because he has many great qualities, but what I am saying is, at least for right now, I'm breathing. I didn't die last night. I took loving care of our daughter. I put her to bed last night, I got her ready for school this morning (she didn't feel warm to me and was acting ok), I picked her up right away when called that she had a fever, I just left a message for the doctor. The point is, I did all this in spite of the fact that my husband spend the night with another person. Something I never thought he'd do in a million years.
