You guys are great. I appreciate everything you say. Kim, I read your thread. What an amazing story. You must be much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You said, "I actually don't know who I am anymore at least I feel that way sometimes". I know that feeling, exactly.
Sage, I'm rethinking your advice. As far as I know, my W is not contacting/seeing the OG, so I'm not faced (at least, not yet) with the decision about what to do if she does. But I see your point about how staying together in the same house might have worked out best for bringing you and your H back together. Rather than weak, I see you as incredibly strong. I'm not sure I'm that strong. I sure hope I don't have to make that decision.
Update: Last night started out badly, as my W accused me of not mailing a magazine subscription bill back in December, that we have evidently been getting letters about. I have no memory of mailing it or not mailing it. Then I found out that my W had secretly changed her email password. Trying to control myself, I confronted her. Turns out she was just f***ing with me (does she know what this does to me?), and had changed it in a moment of irritation earlier in the day. She cheerfully gave the new one to me. She says she understands my need to be able to see her email, but still feels "violated". Yeah.
Since we were already sort of on the subject, I calmed down and fessed up to seeing her cellphone bill. I think she felt badly because she knows how obsessed she must look to anybody else. I was successful in not getting angry. In the case of the phone bill, I think that knowing helps me to understand better the nature of the relationship. In a crazy way, the sheer magnitude of the number of contacts (350+) during April alone (not including the times they met in person) makes me realize that it wasn't really mainly about the sex. In a twisted way, that makes me feel a little better. My W, however, thinks that I'm getting too much information, and that the knowledge will only get in the way of us really getting back together. I told her that I think I'm getting past the "got to have all the answers to all my questions" stage, and that I'll only ask her questions that I really want to know the answers to. I actually thanked her for not answering some of my initial questions on D-day related to the sex.
We then had a long discussion about what her girlfriend and I had talked about earlier in the day. The girlfriend had told me that she had seen something like this coming for about 3 years. My W told her many things that she never told me. She has been very upset about things that I should "just know" and that are "obvious". Evidently, I have been completely clueless, when it comes to my W. And, my W basically just holds it all inside, expecting me to clue in, and doesn't talk about what bothers her (although she regularly has been telling the friend).
I asked my W to start telling me as specifically as possible what I had done wrong and what I could change about myself. She didn't want to get into it. I also asked her whether thinks of me as weak or needy because I didn't kick her out right after finding out about the A. She didn't answer directly, which I took as a yes. She said if the situation was reversed, she would have kicked me out immediately.
Later, I gave her another back rub. Then I started kissing her neck and shoulders. She closed her eyes and seemed to enjoy it. Feeling in the moment, I tried to initiate sex. Bad move, Bri. She started crying and accused me of only giving her backrubs because I want sex. Tony, your post came a day late (not that I necessarily would have listened to you anyway). You are so right. I'm going to back off, for the foreseeable future.
From there it went from bad to worse. I tried to tell her how much I love her and that I know we can make it work. She responded that she doesn't know that, and thinks that she will always wonder "what if" about the OG if she doesn't pursue it now. We went to sleep, both of us feeling bad. I woke up around 4am (I can't seem to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours in a row now) and stupidly cuddled up to her. She yelled at me that she needed to get some sleep, I ending up crying (thought that stage was behind me) and she softened just enough to put her hand on my chest (probably just wanted to shut me up). Sometimes I just can't help doing what I know I shouldn't. I find myself craving physical contact with her.
One problem I have now is that I'm going to Japan on business on Saturday, until next Thursday. I'm just going to have to trust her, I guess. The trip is important, and I sure wish I didn't have all this on my mind.
Question: Does anybody have any suggestions about how I should look for a good MC (I've heard that there are many bad or ineffective ones)? At first I was hoping to avoid it, thinking we could get through without it. Plus, my W is semi-opposed to it (but she'll probably go, if I ask her). But I now think we need one.
Thanks to all who are helping me here. You'll never know just how much I appreciate it.
