God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

Thank you all so much for your hugs, care, and concern. YOu are all such great people and thank GOD for each of you.

I really don't know what to say...I know that you are all 100% right...If this was my daughters going through this I would advise them to run as hard and as fast as they could...I would turn him in myself, either that or kick the sh*t out of him myself. No way would I want one of them to put up with what he is doing. But I would strongly advise this the FIRST time...and your right, my love for my H does cloud my perception...

But...I have spent 24 years with this man. A GOOD 24 years. I am a strong woman. I have over come the bad stuff and we've led a good life. Yea there were bad times. Bad things happened but WE made it. I have never feared for my life. Still don't. I am smart, I am familiar with others that have been abused physically and mentally. This has not been my life. My H is NOT a abuser. He has LOTS and LOTS of issues, but they are his. He has a real problem controlling his temper, but in a sense so do I.

We both led really sh*tty child hoods. Some how 24 years ago we found each other. We both have worked so hard to be so much better than we came from. We have struggled to make ourselves a good life. We almost made it then something went very wrong with H. He just one day gave up and gave in to the old stuff. I now can look back over the years and see glimpses of this man that he has become today. He would rear his ugly head for a few hours maybe a day and then the man I fell in love with would return. On April 19, 2007 the bad man returned and stayed. Where the love of my life went I have not a clue. I love him with all my heart and miss him dearly. Will he ever return? Only God knows the answer to that.

Trust me I am not a fool. I DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. I deserve so much better in my life.
And I will not continue to let this happen to me. He will not hit me again and get away with it. You all said that he is an Adult and he knows what is right and wrong. Yes. And so do I. I chose to stay there and take it. If I would have just left as he asked none of it would have happened. He did not hold me there to kick my a*s. All he was trying to do is get me to leave. I wouldn't and it went way too far.

If my H was in an accident and was brain damaged would I walk away from him? Absolutely not. If he fell into drugs and became an addict, would I give up on him? No. I swore my love for him In sickness and in health, In good times and bad, Until death do us part. I meant those words...so for now I stand. I will now try and stand in the dark to let him figure it out. IF he files for D, it is as it is and I will be fine. But I will know in my heart that I gave 200% to my M. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to try and save all that I hold dear.

Really dear people I AM OKAY. I will be OKAY. and I am in NO danger. He won't do this again.

Last night he called me 3 times. Nothing was said about the night before. He just called about the stormy weather, 2nd time about his work (take over by new company), 3rd time to read me a letter from new owners. I did not want to answer the phone. I did not want to talk to him. But I have a hard time playing the game and being a b*tch on purpose. Its not in me to ignore him and not take his calls. Each call hurts, because he's either nice and makes my mind race wondering what is going on now. Or it's crap that I really don't want to hear. And last night the calls from him were like nothing ever happened and how can he just forget so easily. I wish he knew how many marks he left and how stiff and sore I am. Like that would make a difference...I honestly don't know where I am headed from here. It is getting to the point that I don't think I can take too much more. I most days am trying to get up the guts to go file. But there is still moments that something tells me to be still awhile longer. In my soul I believe that this man and I have a deep connection that is not meant to be broken. Why else after all this time and all that has happened has neither of us gone and filed? As in the beginning, time will tell...