God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

Thank you all for your care, concern, kind words, and advice. I really really don't know what I am going to do at this point.

I want to draw you all a clear picture. My H is not a WIFE BEATER! This does not happen on a regular basis, not even once in awhile. He has hit me or pushed me maybe a total of 10 times in 24 years. I am not justifying or making exuses for him. It IS NOT RIGHT! never has been. But I learned a long long time ago, it's not me he is lashing out at. It's at the demons inside him. It comes from the hell he was raised in. From all that happened to him by the hands of his oldest brother. That's where all the anger and rage comes from. I am just closest to him so I get the blunt of it. He NEEDS help. I know that. But I don't know if he'll ever go get it. I have never been afraid for my life. NEVER have I ever had to call the law until last spring when he showed up here at the house and broke a window. And last night was the very first time he's ever hit me sober. Well he wasn't drunk anyway. And plain and simple...It went as far as it did because for once ME didn't back down. I faced him head on and told him he didn't scare me anymore. That he had no right and I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore. I am in no way saying he was just. I am not taking any of the blame. I'm just saying that it wouldn't have went as far as it did if I would have just let it go and left.

I know that just going there didn't ask for what I got. But I was trying FORCEFULLY to get into his house to get to OW! That is what I apologized for. I had no right. But I DON"T deserve to get my a*s kicked for ANY reason, let alone to protect the likes of her. And I was after her because I wanted her to know the hurt she has caused me and my family. She keeps claiming she has done nothing wrong. That she is 42 years old and she can do what she wants. Well not when it comes to hurting those that I hold dear.

Today I know that I was wrong. It is not my place to make others pay for their mistakes. That is for God to do, not me.

I know in my heart. Seen it last night as he curled in a ball with his head down and eyes closed when I tried to talk to him. My H is hurting as bad if not more than I am. This is killing us both. It is not meant to be that TNT end up divorced!!! Something very, very wrong turned a GOOD strong man into a pathetic shell of boy. It kills me to see what he has become and it's even harder for me that he can't see it. I love that man I married with all my heart. But there is NOTHING I can do for him anymore. If only I could trully trully let him go. Stop caring if he ends up with her. Stop worrying about where he is headed.


"And believe me, the OW is definitely not winning. If she doesn't feel like a complete home wrecking, no integrity, immoral woman at this point then she has absolutely no conscious"

You don't understand I really don't give a d*mb how she feels or what she thinks. But if my H and I get D and he stays with her, she does win. She set out to break up our M, our F, and take my H for her own and that is what is happening. SHE will get to grow old with him, SHE will get to laugh with him, SHE will get to cry with him, SHE will get to share in his future, SHE will get to spend the rest of her days with him. NOt ME. IF he was such a total ass, mean, abusive, etc...this would not matter to me. I could let him go. But it is not who he is inside. Just what he is at this time thanks to her, or the affair, or his job, or his childhood trama, or MLC, or what ever the hell it is that has destroyed us both.

Sorry, just rambling. Trying to sort out my thoughts and try and figure out where I go from here...