God give me the patience and the strength...2

[Nutty Chick]

How will filing give you peace?

It may not give her peace but it could well save her life.

NC

[WCW]

How will filing give you peace?

It may not give her peace but it could well save her life.

NC

Nutty, I asked that question before TOH posted about abuse. D papers don't necessarily end anything.

I finally walked away knowing that I finally have ended this thing.

TOH, remember this statement. Don't forget it. Provoked or not, I speak from experience that no one deserves to be beat up and abused. When your H is contacting you saying how sorry he is don't let it change your resolve today to walk away and keep walking tomorrow. Remember this -

I finally have stood FOR ME!!!

[LL44]

I am so sorry he hurt you. Nothing excuses it. Nothing. He apologized this morning because he realizes you could have him arrested and he could lose everything.

I just am without words that someone could hurt you like that. Please stay away from him, and if you EVER consider taking him back, stick to your major boundaries, one being complete psychological help for him, even before you make any other move.

You deserve more and better. There is someone out there that would be honored to be toh's partner in life. You wouldn't want your daughter to live like this, so set a wonderful example.

[theotherhalf]

Thank you all for your care, concern, kind words, and advice. I really really don't know what I am going to do at this point.

I want to draw you all a clear picture. My H is not a WIFE BEATER! This does not happen on a regular basis, not even once in awhile. He has hit me or pushed me maybe a total of 10 times in 24 years. I am not justifying or making exuses for him. It IS NOT RIGHT! never has been. But I learned a long long time ago, it's not me he is lashing out at. It's at the demons inside him. It comes from the hell he was raised in. From all that happened to him by the hands of his oldest brother. That's where all the anger and rage comes from. I am just closest to him so I get the blunt of it. He NEEDS help. I know that. But I don't know if he'll ever go get it. I have never been afraid for my life. NEVER have I ever had to call the law until last spring when he showed up here at the house and broke a window. And last night was the very first time he's ever hit me sober. Well he wasn't drunk anyway. And plain and simple...It went as far as it did because for once ME didn't back down. I faced him head on and told him he didn't scare me anymore. That he had no right and I wasn't going to let him hurt me anymore. I am in no way saying he was just. I am not taking any of the blame. I'm just saying that it wouldn't have went as far as it did if I would have just let it go and left.

I know that just going there didn't ask for what I got. But I was trying FORCEFULLY to get into his house to get to OW! That is what I apologized for. I had no right. But I DON"T deserve to get my a*s kicked for ANY reason, let alone to protect the likes of her. And I was after her because I wanted her to know the hurt she has caused me and my family. She keeps claiming she has done nothing wrong. That she is 42 years old and she can do what she wants. Well not when it comes to hurting those that I hold dear.

Today I know that I was wrong. It is not my place to make others pay for their mistakes. That is for God to do, not me.

I know in my heart. Seen it last night as he curled in a ball with his head down and eyes closed when I tried to talk to him. My H is hurting as bad if not more than I am. This is killing us both. It is not meant to be that TNT end up divorced!!! Something very, very wrong turned a GOOD strong man into a pathetic shell of boy. It kills me to see what he has become and it's even harder for me that he can't see it. I love that man I married with all my heart. But there is NOTHING I can do for him anymore. If only I could trully trully let him go. Stop caring if he ends up with her. Stop worrying about where he is headed.


"And believe me, the OW is definitely not winning. If she doesn't feel like a complete home wrecking, no integrity, immoral woman at this point then she has absolutely no conscious"

You don't understand I really don't give a d*mb how she feels or what she thinks. But if my H and I get D and he stays with her, she does win. She set out to break up our M, our F, and take my H for her own and that is what is happening. SHE will get to grow old with him, SHE will get to laugh with him, SHE will get to cry with him, SHE will get to share in his future, SHE will get to spend the rest of her days with him. NOt ME. IF he was such a total ass, mean, abusive, etc...this would not matter to me. I could let him go. But it is not who he is inside. Just what he is at this time thanks to her, or the affair, or his job, or his childhood trama, or MLC, or what ever the hell it is that has destroyed us both.

Sorry, just rambling. Trying to sort out my thoughts and try and figure out where I go from here...

[theotherhalf]

Thank you all so much for your hugs, care, and concern. YOu are all such great people and thank GOD for each of you.

I really don't know what to say...I know that you are all 100% right...If this was my daughters going through this I would advise them to run as hard and as fast as they could...I would turn him in myself, either that or kick the sh*t out of him myself. No way would I want one of them to put up with what he is doing. But I would strongly advise this the FIRST time...and your right, my love for my H does cloud my perception...

But...I have spent 24 years with this man. A GOOD 24 years. I am a strong woman. I have over come the bad stuff and we've led a good life. Yea there were bad times. Bad things happened but WE made it. I have never feared for my life. Still don't. I am smart, I am familiar with others that have been abused physically and mentally. This has not been my life. My H is NOT a abuser. He has LOTS and LOTS of issues, but they are his. He has a real problem controlling his temper, but in a sense so do I.

We both led really sh*tty child hoods. Some how 24 years ago we found each other. We both have worked so hard to be so much better than we came from. We have struggled to make ourselves a good life. We almost made it then something went very wrong with H. He just one day gave up and gave in to the old stuff. I now can look back over the years and see glimpses of this man that he has become today. He would rear his ugly head for a few hours maybe a day and then the man I fell in love with would return. On April 19, 2007 the bad man returned and stayed. Where the love of my life went I have not a clue. I love him with all my heart and miss him dearly. Will he ever return? Only God knows the answer to that.

Trust me I am not a fool. I DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. I deserve so much better in my life.
And I will not continue to let this happen to me. He will not hit me again and get away with it. You all said that he is an Adult and he knows what is right and wrong. Yes. And so do I. I chose to stay there and take it. If I would have just left as he asked none of it would have happened. He did not hold me there to kick my a*s. All he was trying to do is get me to leave. I wouldn't and it went way too far.

If my H was in an accident and was brain damaged would I walk away from him? Absolutely not. If he fell into drugs and became an addict, would I give up on him? No. I swore my love for him In sickness and in health, In good times and bad, Until death do us part. I meant those words...so for now I stand. I will now try and stand in the dark to let him figure it out. IF he files for D, it is as it is and I will be fine. But I will know in my heart that I gave 200% to my M. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to try and save all that I hold dear.

Really dear people I AM OKAY. I will be OKAY. and I am in NO danger. He won't do this again.

Last night he called me 3 times. Nothing was said about the night before. He just called about the stormy weather, 2nd time about his work (take over by new company), 3rd time to read me a letter from new owners. I did not want to answer the phone. I did not want to talk to him. But I have a hard time playing the game and being a b*tch on purpose. Its not in me to ignore him and not take his calls. Each call hurts, because he's either nice and makes my mind race wondering what is going on now. Or it's crap that I really don't want to hear. And last night the calls from him were like nothing ever happened and how can he just forget so easily. I wish he knew how many marks he left and how stiff and sore I am. Like that would make a difference...I honestly don't know where I am headed from here. It is getting to the point that I don't think I can take too much more. I most days am trying to get up the guts to go file. But there is still moments that something tells me to be still awhile longer. In my soul I believe that this man and I have a deep connection that is not meant to be broken. Why else after all this time and all that has happened has neither of us gone and filed? As in the beginning, time will tell...

[theotherhalf]

the last couple of post are posts are from another board that I go to.

I am really trying to sort out all the feelings and thoughts going on in my head. This is so damb hard and I know that no one can tell me what to do. I have to decide for myself. And still I really have no idea what is right...I just know that I can't continue on like this.

thank you for being here for me,
TOH

[WCW]

You don't understand I really don't give a d*mb how she feels or what she thinks. But if my H and I get D and he stays with her, she does win. She set out to break up our M, our F, and take my H for her own and that is what is happening. SHE will get to grow old with him, SHE will get to laugh with him, SHE will get to cry with him, SHE will get to share in his future, SHE will get to spend the rest of her days with him. NOt ME. IF he was such a total ass, mean, abusive, etc...this would not matter to me. I could let him go. But it is not who he is inside. Just what he is at this time thanks to her, or the affair, or his job, or his childhood trama, or MLC, or what ever the hell it is that has destroyed us both.

This sounds like a competition that no one wants to admit defeat.

He won't do this again.

He's repeated this behavior over and over. What makes it different now?

TOH, as everyone has said (at least here, not sure about your other board), take the focus off your H, ow, if he calls, if he doesn't call, what he says, what he doesn't say.....

When your H looks back at you to see what he is leaving behind - what is he seeing? Maybe he is the kinda guy that likes to see women scrapping with each other, maybe that really turns him on, maybe that makes him fall in love. You have physically gone after ow twice in the last few weeks. What's your next move?

It isn't just your H that needs help, you need anger management to get yourself under control before you get locked up.

Now your H calls all sweet as pie and you're sucking it all up- because you can't be a b*tch? Wait a minute! Nothing is changing. This is the same pattern. Change it.

I am a strong woman.

A strong woman will not get in fights and get sucked in to sweet pie talks. Rise above it TOH.

[LL44]

But...I have spent 24 years with this man

So, if your daughter was married for 24 yrs and he was still attacking her, it would be ok then? You would tell her what you are telling yourself, "Its not about you, honey, its about his demons". Does your D know your H has hurt you in the past? That is something she will never forget. Oh TOH, please don't believe that about yourself, that you should accept his behavior. Its never changed. He should have called the police and had you arrested if you were on his property, making threats. Bottom line.

This summer, when H confessed his A to me, and we were fighting, I was so angry, I wanted to attack him. I walked out of the room, went to the bathroom and kicked the shower door in, knocking both doors off the track. I was shocked at my rage, it scared me. But even in my depths of anger, I knew it was wrong to attack a person.

One time of violence in a marriage is awful enough. But this has continued. Would it be ok if your number of violence stayed under 20? Under 30? What's the limit?

I stick with my thoughts that he is playing nice because he knows you can have him arrested. When else is he nice other than to get something he wants from you?

I am a strong woman

Yes, you are. So much more than you realize. But what does your H see? What do YOU see when its quiet at night and you have time to reflect?

[a new 2moro]

SIGN THE PAPERS WITH WHICH EVER HAND STILL WORKS. AND HAND THEM TO HIM WITH THE HAND THAT DOESNT.

YES HE IS A WIFEBEATER....STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THAT PATHETIC PERSON. WHY ARE YOU TAKING OWNERSHIP OF HIM BEATING YOU TO A PULP...YOU NEED HELP AS MUCH AS HE DOES....BATTERED WIFE SYNDROME.

MOVE TO A SHELTER, GET A R/O SOMETHING! GET INTO COUNSELING..TALK WITH LISA LOST..IF THER THREADS ARENT UP MAYBE YOU COULD REQUEST THEM.

But if my H and I get D and he stays with her, she does win. She set out to break up our M, our F, and take my H for her own and that is what is happening. SHE will get to grow old with him, SHE will get to laugh with him, SHE will get to cry with him, SHE will get to share in his future, SHE will get to spend the rest of her days with him. NOt ME.

SMILE AND SAY HES ALL YOURS HONEY....

[Upside]

toh-
I can't really add anything to what the other have already told you. I just want to say that the first time he hit you should have been his last. Just remember that you deserve better than this...and I want to stress to you that you don't want your D or your N to think abuse is acceptable. Get out now.