I'm calming down now. The discovery of the sheer magnitude of the number of contacts during the A left me shaking my head most of the day. I am seeing it now in terms of a sort of addiction. I see now why the withdrawals she is going through are so difficult.
I hope tonight is as nice as last night. I need to gently let her know that I know about the phone bills, and maybe if I tell myself right now that I WILL NOT get upset about the frequency (or the cost) of the calls, then we can move on. I simultaneously want to have nice (maybe even somewhat loving) times with her and at the same time want to vent on her to show her how much damage she's done. I want her to feel bad and wish on a gut level that she didn't do this. At this point, her "sorry" primarily means, "I'm sorry I got caught", and, "I'm sorry that you are hurting", but it doesn't really mean, "I wish this had never happened". But it sounds like from what you and others are telling me that maybe this sort of sorry can come later, and that I shouldn't try to push it.
You are also right about God, free will, and the desire to blame someone. I had a long talk today with the W's girlfriend in whom she has been confiding. I was angry at her too, for not telling me, or at least convincing my W to stop the A. The truth is, though, that she was not to blame. She was trying to convince my W to end it, but she was being more subtle than I would have liked, probably knowing that my W would have just stopped talking to her rather than end the A.
Thanks for sharing about your situation. It is a big help to get advice from so many truly wise people. And I do find hope that so many people have been successful in putting their M's back together.
