You know I was reading Jen Jams thread last nite before I went to bed and it struck me that a lot of what she was saying I have also been thru and that this place is like a security blanket.... I agree. I also feel like I am not yet ready to give my security blanket up and I cannot believe that in a few weeks it will be almost 2 years since I first posted here. And to see that I am just now starting to see the fruits of my labor. I also find it odd that my H said to me the other day "YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED ONE BIT" * well it was during ML so maybe that is considered a different category than my overall behavior? I dunno.... I do feel good but also at times I feel like I am in a dream and I need to walk softly cause this seems to safe, far too delicious so far.It is completely different than walking on eegshells that I will not ever try to dileberately do over. It is like walking when you dont want to wake someone up in the morning cause they are sleeping so peacefully and you respest that so you tip toe. I dunno it just feels like that at times like this feel s so good I want it to last a little bit more so I should just step softly , in a good way!~ He is being more attentive and he even made me breakfast this morning and has actually been cooking a lot since he got home. We have had a few "discussions" and the weird thing is I actually think he hears me now. I really feel at peace right now and know if I keep at this maybe juts maybe one day I can forget he almost left for good and just enjoy.... he has in the past thrown that in my face. I do also think that for him to change and to work towards something better is a bit like saying to himself " well I guess I am no cup of tea either"
I dunno just jotting down thoughts in between cleaning my house today. I am really proud of myself for getting up from the Puddle that was me and really putting forth effort to change and be humble and put him before while keeping my dignity. The last one was hard for me it was easy for me to confuse putting him before by meaning he could do whatever he d*mn well pleased and I was supposed to smile all the time like JUNE CLEAVER. Even just the other day he started to have a tyrade and he said oh I am wrong again and an A88hole. I said I did not say that but you were rude .... and for me to say that and for him not to throw a tantrum is ... well close to a Miracle. It felt so good to say. He seems to have this throw the baby out with the bath water sprt of view of life and it is scary sometimes.I always tell him I am not a doll I do have feelings and opinions too. For the most part we are getting a long well and I am just now it seems getting really to know him as he is finally being vulnerable with me and I am starting to see a side of him I had not seen in ~YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSS. Baby steps I have to remember baby steps.... b/c I am so excited that I want him just to be this new version of actually the old him when I met him. That is what I fell in love with is his personality.. and how he was such a gentleman. That Man is coming back and it feel so good. This morning when we were laying in bed ,both awake , I was on my side and he layed on me and we were hugging. Such a simple action for many but for me it feels so wonderful cause we almost closed the book just 2 years ago and have been rebuilding and not making progress and then strating over and then talking and talking.... a slow build of something better. This is how I wanted to wake up for many, many years and I cant put into words how beautiful that moment really is for me. It is better than anything money can buy.
Still going to keep working on me and being strong cause life holds too many suprises to rest my well being and Happiness solely on his shoulders. God Bless and Have a wondeful week.....
