"I do feel very much like I have lost all control over my life, "
That is not true. You may not be able to control the choices your wife is making but you do have the control to either stay and put up with this nonsense or leave or move on. If you behave like a doormat the chances are very likely that the affair will continue and your marriage will certainly fail. She needs to see that you are not willing to accept a third party in your marriage. That may mean filing for divorce to show that you are serious. If she wants to stay married than she needs to earn back your trust. That means no hidden cell phone accounts etc. The point is that you cannot save this marriage by yourself.
