Sage - Can I quarrel with your advice? I guess I tend to think more like dcr, who a few posts earlier said, "For me, it was impossible to conceive of working on the marriage until the affairs were stopped", and "you should also take specific steps to assure yourself that the affair is not continuing during the healing process".
I know from the other threads that many here have been DBing while their S is still having the A, even while still living in the same house. But as much hurting as I'm doing now, I cannot imagine that pain. How does a person in that situation ever get through the day?
Plus, I have already "laid down the law" to her regarding contacting him. She does, after all, have a lot to lose if we D. New house, relationships with friends, neighbors, family, financial devastation, maybe even the kids. It seems to me to be a huge disincentive. I don't want to give her the impression that she would not lose these things if she continues with the OG. On the other hand, D is a card you can only play once. I don't want to play it too early.
Additionally, if she continues to contact the OG 12 times a day, how can she possibly ever do the work necessary to come back to the M? It would seem that my only hope would be that their R falls apart on its own, which it may not do.
You are very, very right about the control thing, though. I do feel very much like I have lost all control over my life, and snooping does bring a sense of some control.
I'll continue to think about what you said, though, and I'd love to hear back from you if you have more to add.
