After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

Ok, I'm feeling....You know what? I don't know what I'm feeling right now! I'm sad, mad, feeling like my feelings don't matter much and that I am wrong for not acting as my H wishes.

After my previous post this morning, H woke up - he worked graveyard last night - and I told him that the boys would not be going to their martial arts class this evening because I was going to take them to our niece's (SIL's D) birthday party.

He asked, "(Niece)'s party?....Are you going, too?" I said, "Yes. Why wouldn't I?" H said, "I don't know. I'm just asking.....Why aren't you just dropping them off?"....???.....I said, "Because I'd like to go, too. Is there something wrong with that?" H said, "Well what if (OW) is there?! It wouldn't surprise me if my sister did something stupid like invite the both of you!....I'm just looking out for everyone, ok? It probably wouldn't be good for the both of you to be there."

The first thing that hit me was he SAID her name... ... We had an agreement to not do that! The second, I agree that being around OW would be VERY uncomfortable, but what? Am I the one who shouldn't go? Why not her? And why is he looking out for 'everyone' when he should be looking out for me??!!! Everyone means me, him, SIL, and OW....Who gives a f*** about her??!!!

Anyway, I asked CALMLY, "Can we not say that person's name please? We said we wouldn't do that." H immediately got p*ssed and said, "How about can I get a "good morning, honey! ILY!" and a hug and a kiss?!"

WTF??!!! He does this crap ALL THE TIME where if he feels I'm pointing out that he did something wrong, he IMMEDIATELY gets defensive and turns it around on to me!

Well I walked away. Bit my tongue....for probably about the 10th time this week already....and walked away. Went to make the bed. A few minutes after that, H came into S8's room while I was putting clothes away and said he was just worried that SIL might have had a "B" moment and stupidly invited both OW and me, not thinking about how bad that could be. (B is a friend who makes a LOT of bad choices; never takes the time to stop and think about things.)

I told H that I had already considered that possibility - that OW might be there as well. Hoping she wouldn't be, but what can I do? She is SIL's friend, and it is not my place to tell her who she can or can't invite. I can't remember his exact words, but H said something about how he didn't understand why saying her name upset me. I said, "You were seeing that person for a long time, and because she's friends with your sister, I knew there would be times when she might be around, too. I was prepared to accept that because it wasn't a problem then. But because there was contact after I was told there wouldn't be, well it's a threat to me now. I don't know how else to describe it, but that is how it feels. I worry that this person will disrespect our M by calling again, and I worry that there's a chance you will choose to answer her call again.....We had an agreement to never mention that person's name. You even went and told your mom and SIL to never say her name again." H said, "You're right....I'm just looking out for everyone, that's all," then he walked away and left shortly after that to go to Home Depot.

When he got back, I was in the bathroom curling my hair but didn't notice that he had walked into S12's room. I could hear him but couldn't see him. So H shouted, "(GF)?" I answered back, "Yes?".......Silence......I ask again, louder this time, "What?"........Still silent......I put my curling iron down and went into S12's room (which is just across my room) and asked, "I heard you calling me. Did you need something?" H said in his oh so familiar sarcastic tone, "What I need is for you to not talk to me through walls!"

Had to walk away again.

About 30 seconds later, H knocks on the bathroom door and asks, "Are you going to help me?" I said, "No, I am not." He asked why not, and I told him because I didn't appreciate his tone, and I said that I was sorry that I didn't just drop what I was doing to come to him when HE wanted me to. He didn't say anything and went out into the garage.

We didn't say much to each other after that. Before leaving for work, he said he hoped I had a nice evening, sarcastically of course.

I am sooo freakin' frustrated! I want to pull my hair out!

I knew this was going to be hard....really hard.....but I don't know how much more I can take. I can't seem to please him because he can't seem to understand that things cannot be HIS way every minute of every day. He's not happy that I don't act the way HE wants me to, so he becomes mean and nasty. And I don't even want to try when I feel he gives me no reason to.

[ACJ]

GF,

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

WRT the party. I can sort of see both sides of the coin b/c I have been there. When my H and I separated the first time he had a brief affair. He was staying with his female cousing and the fling was with her friend who is also her neighbour. This OW was older (not like current one who is 18 yrs younger). She had 3 sons. Hs cousin also has a son and they are both single parents. Some time after we reconciled it was Hs cousins birthday and we called to make sure they were in if we took his present round. They clearly weren't expecting us to arrive so soon b/c as we walked in the door XOW twins were being ushered out of it to be taken home. I said nothing but I can only assume that originally she was supposed to come and pick them up from the party but had been told they would be brought home in the light of our telephone call.

What everyone failed to understand is that I was the one who would've been least embarrassed. When I found out about the A I turned up on her doorstep, invited myself into her house by telling her if she didn't let me in I would shout out what I had come for. I told her that if she came anywhere near my H again I would put notes through all her neighbour's letterboxes telling them exactly the sort of person she really was (and I meant it). What surprised me most about this woman was that she had been left by her H/partner (not sure which) when she was 14 weeks pregnant with her twins and they already had an older boy. She had experienced how I felt and yet she was still prepared to put me through it! She had everything to be embarrassed about.

I think the real reason they ushered these boys out the house was b/c they all knew I had tackled this woman and I suppose they were frightened that there might be a repeat performance at the child's bday party. They should've known that I would never do that to a child.

You have my sympathy and empathy.

Take care

[MichelleLT]

Wow. Sounds like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed! You are not a mind reader, and he certainly shouldn't expect you to be able to pick up on his every whim. (((GF)))

My H is also VERY sensitive to perceived criticism and I have had to be very careful about what I say. Actually, it's more HOW I say things than what I say. It's sooooo hard to be conscious of everything you say though.

About 30 seconds later, H knocks on the bathroom door and asks, "Are you going to help me?" I said, "No, I am not." He asked why not, and I told him because I didn't appreciate his tone, and I said that I was sorry that I didn't just drop what I was doing to come to him when HE wanted me to.

My response would have been "because you did not ask for my help."

I know you might not want this pointed out right this minute, but your response to his sarcasm was also very sarcastic and it seems to be a vicious cycle.

[GoingForward]

(((((Thank you, ACJ and Michelle.)))))

You are not a mind reader, and he certainly shouldn't expect you to be able to pick up on his every whim.

I've even told him this a few times! I know he's not one either. I just can't understand why he doesn't try to remember this. It doesn't change.

My H is also VERY sensitive to perceived criticism and I have had to be very careful about what I say. Actually, it's more HOW I say things than what I say. It's sooooo hard to be conscious of everything you say though.

I KNOW what you mean! When I am trying to get through to H, I have to stop and take a moment along with a deep breath to think about HOW to say what I feel to him without coming off as criticizing. It's doable, but IT IS HARD.

I know you might not want this pointed out right this minute, but your response to his sarcasm was also very sarcastic and it seems to be a vicious cycle.

I know it was. I suppose I could've omitted that part, but ... ....I know that I am not perfect either.

I have no excuse other than to say I lost my cool. Not good, I know. I guess the underlying pressure of trying to always keep it together finally surfaced. Like I said, I've had to hold myself together about 10 times this week already...and it's only Thursday!

Counting the days, hours, minutes til Saturday arrives. My sisters and I are getting together for a spa day! I am SOOOO ready for it!

[GoingForward]

I sent H an e-mail earlier this evening. Probably very anti-DB , but I felt like I just had to get it out of my system. This is what I sent:


Why am I expected to be a mind reader? Why am I wrong everytime I don't act as you think I should?

By the way, since you seemed to think that me going was a bad idea, I didn't go to (niece)'s party in case that person happened to be there, although I feel that the feelings of your wife should be more important than those of someone you once dated. It saddens me to think that you were possibly caring more about her comfort than mine since you were just looking out for everyone as opposed to looking out for me.

This marriage will never work if either one of us expects the other to always do what we want them to do, when we want them to do it.

I love you, and if you even want to see me try, I need to feel a reason to want to try. The constant sarcasm and criticism makes it nearly impossible for me to feel that way.


H responded:


I honestly was concerned for you when I brought up the possibility of her being there. I immediately called my sister after that to make sure she wasn't going and told her she had better not be there. Your feelings and the kids are my priority. I will work on showing it better. I am sorry. Please know that my concern WAS for your feelings and nothing else. Please forgive me. I love you. That's why I moved back in. I want to be happy with you and with the kids.



I wrote back saying that I didn't know he talked to SIL, and it seemed as though I misunderstood his intentions and possibly overreacted. For that, I apologized. I also told him I was sorry that I, too, was sarcastic with him earlier this afternoon. There was no excuse for it, and I hoped he would try to keep this in mind as well. We do not always see eye to eye, we do not always understand each other, but I know that we both are tired of arguing with one another. We should both always try to remember this, too.

H e-mailed back with, "ILY, (my childhood nickname)".

Trying to hang in there!

[MichelleLT]

Well, his response was pretty helpful. And I think your apology was heartfelt and well received. It seems huge to me that he used your nickname and you got an ILY! While I think it's true you two did not see eye to eye, it seems like things were resolved.

Now the trick is make-up sex! Lol.

Tomorrow is Friday, hang in there!

[Snow White]

Good morning GF, I didn't get a chance to respond when I read your post last night about being frustrated glad to know that this morning things look so sunny again. You and your H are really doing a great job of working through anything that pops up with clear communication.

I do have to tell you I got a call on my cell last night while I was taking my daughter to gymnastics from H saying this is really interesting reading this email between you and VA then he hung up. Racked my brain and finally decided that no matter waht was in the email it was nothing damaging to me he could just see how I feel about his behaviour.

He actually was not the least bit upset about it when I got home, just asked a few questions like what does OW mean?

Strange but I think it was a good thing for him to read the things I said to you directed to somone else because then they don't seem like made up excuses to control him. For example the fact that one of the reasons I was concerned about him going out was drinking and driving.

Later in the evening I mentioned my new plan(that I really did think about yesterday) that I would check the computer in the morning - banking ect, then that was it for the day, I am on it too much. H replies isn't that what your friend told you at the beginning of march. Geez, he woulnd't have remembered the email so much if I wrote it to him.

Sorry to hijack your thread but since I am taking some time off mine, and this is directly to you, I thought it would be ok just this once.

[GoingForward]

Now the trick is make-up sex! Lol.

Tomorrow is Friday, hang in there!

Michelle, you crack me up!

TGIF!!! 24 hours from now, I will be with my sisters, enjoying mimosas, looking forward to our massages later in the afternoon! Oh, and we'll be getting mani/pedis, too!


Neecy, thanks for dropping in! Please do so anytime you like. It's really good to hear from you.

Later in the evening I mentioned my new plan(that I really did think about yesterday) that I would check the computer in the morning - banking ect, then that was it for the day, I am on it too much. H replies isn't that what your friend told you at the beginning of march. Geez, he woulnd't have remembered the email so much if I wrote it to him.

LOL That's because it came from an outside party; not his W! Too many times we tend to agree with an outside POV rather than our spouse's.

[MichelleLT]

So....does that mean we all need to have each other e-mail and call and tell our WASs what they are missing out on?

Or get t-shirts made - I stole this from Lisa's thread - saying "Like what you see? Call XXX-XXXX and tell my W/H"

[klm]

So....does that mean we all need to have each other e-mail and call and tell our WASs what they are missing out on?

...Hmmm....interesting idea...it could work!!

Or get t-shirts made - I stole this from Lisa's thread - saying "Like what you see? Call XXX-XXXX and tell my W/H"

Now that's funny.