brian, the need to know article is great. i gave it to my h about 8 mo. into piecing and he read it and understood me better. great suggestion to write your ?'s down. gives you time to decide if you really need to know. when i have a ? i do this in my head...do i NEED to know, will i feel better knowing, will the answer help me put this behind me or keep me obsessed, does it really matter? after i go through this list i think about it at least 24 hours, then if i still feel the need to know, i ask. unfortunetly only one in ten answers ever made a difference in my misery.
i hardly ask anything anymore, it isn't worth my h's anger and dragging up the pain. they NEVER like to be reminded of what they did.

for you, as you have seen your w had an addiction to the affair. if you keep asking about og, it will keep him in your w's mind. eventually, you will be able to get more answers, but right now your w hasn't detatched yet from this or. ( i may be wrong, but this is what i suspect)

what worked for me was working on making myself as healthy in every way as possible. for the first 2 mo. we were piecing , we spent lots of together time reconnecting and doing fun things and NOT talking about affair. our relationship was too fragile.

h thought about ow#1 for a long time, romantacizing the love affair right up until he broke up with ow#2 and took the time to be realistic and get c to put it into perspective. your w will need time to "get over" her feelings. and this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it is worth it not to make it an issue. you don't want her always wondering what if.

God got me through it. he didn't cause it or allow it. he gave my h and the ow free will. he didn't want me and my d to get hurt. but my h's self-will was too great and the ow too needy and messed up. praying kept me calm and sane when even meds weren't enough. i still pray everyday. it is so hard to not blame someone isn't it?

but one thing i know, it is not your fault. you don't deserve this pain. so go out and take care of yourself. join a gym, a book club, a basketball league or whatever. have some fun. the happier and more secure you are, the less your w can find fault with staying. and don't make any decisions about d yet! this crap takes so long to work through. in 2 years you could be so happy with her and your family! or you may decide you can't do it. but right now is too soon and you are in too much pain.

hope i didn't go on and on too much. take care,lisa