How to get past the sex thing

[sage]

How much snooping did you do, if the days and months after finding out? I really need to know how to handle such questions as, how aggressively should I snoop? Should I, or how many times should I, forgive her if she slips up and contacts the OG? Any thoughts?

Brian -- In the post before this one you wondered if you should allow a slip or two, or ask your wife to leave if you find out she contacts om. You also indicated that you didn't WANT to ask wife to leave, right?

So....what are you gaining by snooping right now? It may make you feel like you're in control but you're not. It may make you feel as though you're not being "taken advantage of" -- trust me when I say that deciding to work on your M is NOT being a patsy -- snooping doesn't help or hurt that.

For me, snooping has resulted in the following:
guilt

nervousness

the ability to find just what I'm looking for, even if there's nothing to find

a continued focus on op when I should have been focusing on myself and m

an actual feeling of LOSS of control (when I was trying to gain control) because I CANNOT stop S from seeing op.

Many other things...

It's impossibly hard. It feels weak to not snoop (am I not protecting myself?) but it's actually strong. If you want your M, focus on DB'ing -- throw yourself into it so much that you don't have time to snoop!

Sage