Oh tal.....I just cried. The things you said are so sweet. Your last comment really hit home. It's really a yucky, messy day. On the way home I noticed that the wipers on my van need to be replaced. Believe it or not, I have always done all those things on my own. Oil changes, wipers, plates/tags....everything. On the major issues, I'd let H know that they needed to be done and he'd call his dad to call our mechanic. However, I always needed to push H on it. I was thinking about how I just want someone to take care of me. I know I can do it on my own. I've done it for years. But I want someone there for me. Someone who will say...I'll take care of it. I feel lonely.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
He said he might drive and wanted to know if I wanted to go with. He was more than shocked when I told him that I'd have to think about it. His response was......What?....Why do you have to think about it?......Do you have plans?
Your H is still living in a dream world where absolutely everything revolves around his sorry a$$. What, you mean Sue wouldn't jump at the chance to spend every waking moment with him, now that his nasty little A is on the rocks? Come ON!
Originally Posted By: SueS
I think he and OW had some sort of rift. I spoke with OW's H on Tuesday. From what he said, OW had some very strange behavior and was very upset around the same time that my H's behavior started to change too. She said on Thursday that she feels like her life is over, a mess. She told her H that if she divorces him, her children will suffer. If she stays with him, then she doesn't get what she wants. He convinced her that night to see a C. By Sunday, she was back to telling him that she wanted no part of the M and she would not see a C. Now, I know my H has tried to contact OW by phone call & by sending her the songs with a "I miss you, I can't live without you..." theme, but I don't know anything else.
It sounds to me like OW is also dealing with a MLC, and is hitting bottom. What you need to remember is that this is all about HER - not about her H, and not about your H. I hope she does come around to seeing a C and starting to get her act back together - for everybody's sake. In the meantime, I'll bet you see just how badly she probably reacts to your H's pathetic, needy, pursuing behavior.
Originally Posted By: SueS
I have to be honest with everyone here. I told this to a very good friend off the board and she told me to put it out here. My H has been asking me to come to grips with the fact that it's over and that we aren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I mentioned earlier in my posts that his nice behavior early in the week actually scared me. Over the past almost 3-4 weeks, I have turned a page. I have come to grips with this and have done what he's asked me. To realize it's over. I've come to see how a WAS feels when we beg and plead for them to come back. My H came no where near begging or pleading with me. The very sight of any "nice H" made me want to head for the hills. I felt guilty for my child for feeling that way, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I want to move forward and be happy. Now, I may be getting ahead of myself by assuming that H would come back if it ended between him and OW, but I have known my H for 17 years. He is the type of person that needs companionship.....even it it's temporary until he finds something better. He, in so many words, has told me over the past few years that we never should have continued our M after his first affair. I sat last night thinking about all the things that would need to change before I'd want my M back again. I know there are too many things for my H to handle. However, I also know that if he would come back and I said No, it's too late..........that he would blame me for the split of our family. He would tell me that I begged him to stay and that ....well, here he is.
I might be rambling, but I'm just confused.
Not at all - that makes perfect sense to me.
Here's the deal. H is used to being in total control of this sitch, and he doesn't like one bit that you are taking charge. Do NOT let him box you into a simplistic choice of "Take me back just like I am (yuck) or it's all your fault that we split."
If and when the day comes for you two to reconcile this mess he's made, remember that you have a full and equal say in what that means. You get to dictate things like "If we are going to stay together, you need to clean up your act." If he fails to do so - that is HIS problem, not yours.
You sound so strong, so confident, so clear headed to me Sue. What you called confusion is the conflict between H's lame agenda and your own much better one. You can do this!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Believe it or not, I have always done all those things on my own. Oil changes, wipers, plates/tags....everything.
I was thinking about how I just want someone to take care of me. I know I can do it on my own. I've done it for years. But I want someone there for me. Someone who will say...I'll take care of it.
Not that this helps that much SueS, but, I understand completely. I was telling a guy at work how I bought a headlight bulb for my car and I needed to go out in the parking lot to install it. About 45 minutes later he came back into my office and demanded that I give him the bulb.
It just makes you sad, even though you can do it yourself, that you can't count on your H... I didn't realize how much I longed for someone to care enough about me to take of stuff for me.. just because...
Someday, SueS.. Someday, you'll either find someone who will, or you will demand that from your H..and, he will...
T We could be drop-dead gorgeous, in the best shape of our lives, and have it all together and then, there would be something else wrong with us in their eyes.
Yes, I fit that description and my H still had an affair. (Now how obnoxious is that??? Gag me!!!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
But my point is, most of the time an affair has nothing to do with a spouse's imperfections (although ANY excuse for one occuring will be sought out by the offending spouse). Sure, there are marriages with problems which make them more vulnerable to affairs. But there are perfectly good marriages, with great spouses, where affairs occur....
Basically, affairs are a problem with boundries. Someone not keeping firm boundries and allowing the boundry to be crossed. Sometimes this occurs slowly over time, (oftentimes friendship, support of some nature, mutual attraction, being together through work, neighborhood, class, hobby, etc...), and other times it might happen quickly.
One description I read that was kind of interesting.... imagine someone standing in the middle of a frying pan while the heat slowly builds up. It seems safe for awhile, one barely even realizes or notices the temperature building. But eventually without realizing it, the pan is on fire. And the person wonders, how did this happen?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
But my point is, most of the time an affair has nothing to do with a spouse's imperfections (although ANY excuse for one occuring will be sought out by the offending spouse). Sure, there are marriages with problems which make them more vulnerable to affairs. But there are perfectly good marriages, with great spouses, where affairs occur....
I think you're right, my H is having an affair with a former co-worker he worked closely with for almost 2 years. They started texting, calling, my H probably thinking it was ok b/c they were both married and I guess at some point they obviously did cross the line.
I have been blaming myself for this for the past months, but realized this past week or so that I have changed everything about myself that my H said was a problem for him (I wanted to work on these issues also of course), plus other improvements as well (more self confidence, lost weight, happier, etc.) and he still is having the affair & wanting the divorce. So I'm no longer blaming myself; my H is the one that has ruined our R with his affair with OW. Karen
I'm reading a book "What to do when your spouse says, I don't love you anymore" that talks about the WAS blaming us for the affair. It talks about all of the typical blame game, being overweight, not cooking, not making love enough, not keeping a tidy house, etc. The author explains it like this. If your spouse committed a robbery or murdered someone, you wouldn't accept the blame for it. So why accept the blame for his/her adultery? The only one responsible for his/her behavior is them.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
