Thanks for the support, dcr and lisa. I'm having some trouble posting. For some reason, the "Reply" option was not available to me. Frustrating. Then after lisa posted, it showed up again. I emailed the website but haven't received an answer to that one yet.

Here's an update. Yesterday was ugly. I called W at home in the middle of the afternoon just to say hi, and got no answer. No answer on her cell either. Left messages on both phones. I knew that the middle-late afternoon had been prime time for her and the OG, so I became a little suspicious. About an hour later, I called again and left a terse message on her cell phone. She called back a few minutes later from home. She had been taking a long shower (actually, a long shower in the middle of the day is very typical for her, but I hadn't thought of that). Even so, I got angry at her for not answering. After I calmed down, I called her back and apologized, and promised to be nice when I got home (somebody tell me again, why it is I have to be nice?).

Later, after I got home, the evening was going along OK until we discussed her best girlfriend, who is planning a visit in a couple of weeks. I feel somewhat betrayed by the girlfriend, who knows me and who knew all about the A and basically condoned it. So, being none too pleased about having her for a visit, I argued with my W again. We went from having a pleasant conversation to saying some bitter words in no time. She ended up crying uncontrollably. When I finally softened up a bit and got her to talk, she told me that she was really missing the OG. You can imagine how I felt, I'm sure. We just laid there and went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, both completely miserable.

I called her this morning to see how she was doing (I leave for work before she wakes up). She sounded completely depressed. While I hate that she is this depressed over the OG, I'm trying to take it as a sign that she really is not contacting him, on the assumption that she would have probably been perkier if she had. Is that looking for the silver lining, or what?

I feel like a woman with bad PMS. My mood swings are incredible. I go from being basically OK to enraged in seconds. And it takes very little to set me off. Then I feel terrible that I've gotten so angry, or that I've upset my W. This just SUCKS.

I bought "After the Affair", which I saw people recommending on some other threads. I'll see if my W is interested in reading it, but I doubt she will. It looks like it could help me, in any case.

dcr and lisa, thanks for your kind words and for sharing about your situations. It really is helpful to find out how it is for other people in similar situations. If there are others who read this and also would like to share their experiences, I'd like to hear it. It is depressing to know that after a year+ sex is still difficult, and that you still think about the OP often. I thought it must be that way, but somehow I was hoping that some miracle could occur that could keep me from thinking about OG during that time. It's such a loss for me. I never felt closer to my W than when we were having sex. I think that I will never again feel that way. It makes me think that maybe D is better. But unless things get worse, I know I'll stay for the sake of the kids.

dcr, I know exactly what you mean about comparing yourself to the other guy. On the day I found out, I asked my wife some questions about sex with the OG that I didn't really want the answers to, and thank God she refused to provide them. All I know is, from her emails, the sex was very good.

I've heard that women obsess about the emotional aspects and guys obsess about the sex. Absolutely true in my case. The fact that she had emotional needs satisfied elsewhere doesn't bother me nearly as much.

I'm going to go home now. I'm bound and determined to keep my emotions and tongue in check tonight and be as pleasant as possible. I know that my W needs some space and I need to avoid torturing her with guilt. I wish she could help me get through this, and I wish I could help her, but it appears that neither can help the other because we just have too much to deal with ourselves. This board definitely helps. Thanks again.

One more question and then I'll end this marathon post. For those of you who are religious, do any of you blame God? At the moment, I'm none too pleased with him either. After my wife told me in Feb that she was thinking about leaving, I prayed so hard and often that God would make me a better husband and bring her back to me. And I thought he was. At church a week ago I thanked him that things seemed to be so much better. And now this. Thanks, Lord. For nothing.