brian, there are a lot of us affair survivors in piecing. it may be helpful for you to go there and check out the men's threads for guidance.
don't forget it was your w's choice to have an affair. no matter what was wrong in your relationship. there were a thousand other things she could have chosen to do to get you involved in fixing what she felt was lacking. have you read the monogomy myth? it may help you to de personalize the affair.
my h had 3 affairs with 2 diff. women. the first lasted a year, but was spread out between two(they "broke up" in between) the second was about 4 mo. and my h walked out on me and our 8mo. old d to persue. i found a love letter she#1 wrote and it made me physically ill. my h wrote love letters to the second one proving his love. VERY HURTFUL.
i thought we were relatively happy and was shocked to find everything out all at once on the day of the actual bomb.
my point is that we are together now, for 14 mo. and working hard to fix all the damage and the problems that led to my h seeking affairs. i think about the other sex after we have sex when h wants to hold me. i can't do it...yet. but it does get better with time. also, your w may express more guilt and grief over hurting you in time. it took my h a while to be empathetic(outwardly)to my feelings.
you also might want to try therapy on your own too. i did and found it very beneficial to working out my grief and anger.
