I'm not sure if it will help, but since you asked, here's a little background on my situation. My W had 3 affairs: the first 2 were one night stands (1 with a friend, 1 with stranger), and 1 was a 5 month long EA/PA with a "friend". The first 2 happened 2 years ago and the third last year. I became suspicious about the last affair about May/June 2002, began collecting evidence and confronted W last Oct. She first denied/lied, then admitted it. I only knew about OM #3 at the time, but she revealed OM #1 and #2 on D-day. We found a good counselor (solution focused "brief" therapy) in Nov. and begain therapy. Things improved, but there have been 2 major setbacks. She has initiated contact (cell phone and email, no sex) with OM #3 twice since agreeing to no contact. 2nd time I asked her for a divorce. She and I discussed the situation and agreed not to DV, but I gave her ultimatum - no contact of any kind, ever again, period, or there will be a DV. She agreed and we have been working on M ever since. The short of it is that generally things are positive, but we are still working hard to fix the problems.
What was my role? Typical, and you will find similar stories for the WAWs on the forum. I wasn't giving her enough of my time and affection. I didn't have sex with her enough. I basically took her for granted. It didn't start that way (we've been married 6 years). It evolved over the first 4 years of the marriage. One of the basic problems was that we are both conflict avoiders and don't like to communicate negative things with each other (still don't but trying). I have done as much of a 180 as I know how and mostly, it seems to be working.
I was tempted to leave her many times and sometimes I still think about it. I stay because a) I still love her, and b) we have a son that I refuse to leave behind.
Do I think about OM before during or after sex with W? Yes. Unfortunately, almost as often now as just after the affair was revealed (which is about every other time we have sex). I don't know if sex can be more than a "physical release" again. It used to mean more to me, but since d-day has been less about love than pleasure. But, and this is a big but, it feels great, and there is a sense of connection from time to time, so I maintain hope for better days.
Much of the need to compare yourself sexually to the OM seems inevitable, I'm afraid. I wish I could offer you a magical fix from experience, but I can't. Sometimes it is helpful to think that she could have left me for OM but didn't. I know - that doesn't mean I'm a better lover than he is - in fact I'm pretty sure the opposite is true. But I think it does mean that she considers me a better person overall than he is, and that helps.
My W has also been pretty unsympathetic to my pain. It would have helped if she were more understanding and compassionate, but she wasn't. Just remind yourself that you have probably also caused your W a great deal of pain that you don't comprehend fully.
You say your W gets angry at you for your "neediness". Well, I think that stinks personally, but try to keep in mind what I just wrote. Also, keep in mind that in doing your DBing, go with what works. If you want your W to fall in love with you again, don't be needy. Try to recreate the person she originally married and "act as if" you are happy, even if you aren't. For the time being, try to do some damage control about issues related to the affair. You need your questions answered, but don't spend 24/7 analyzing your R and the A. If your W will agree, reserve a set time and place to discuss issues regarding the A and try to set a time limit for the discussions ahead of time. Other times, if questions occur to you, just write them down and save them for the discussion times.
