Kolle, if I knew of such pills, I would be overdosing on them myself....and so would everyone else. We all have had diarrhea of the mouth at one time or another. Here lately, mine has been with my GS b/c I think he is about to marry the wrong girl and there are other problems attached that I won't get into, but it is killing our entire family. Everytime I swear that I will not talk to him about it again (b/c it just pushes him closer to her) then I go off on him about something and first thing you know I end up on their R.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Your son was way....way out of line! First, he disobeyed you and then he took advantage of the situation his mom was in after just coming out of OR and then he disrespected you very, very much. Personally, I think he deserved to receive your wrath plus some grounding on top of that! But, then I am old fashion according to my GS (ugh). I do not believe in allowing kids to talk to their parents like that and get away with it.....but I see it more and more every day. The thing is, he is playing the two of you against each other for his own advantage. He is not stupid and he knows there are problems between you and the W.....so he is going to play the game to reap the benefits for himself whenever he can. Some teenagers can't see the seriousness of the breakdown of a M and realize their entire home life is going to change if there is a D b/c they are too wrapped up in what "they" want right then. Others, are very worried about their parents R and I wouldn't be surprised if that is what the younger son is like. He apparently is more responsible or at least more respectful and obedient than the oldest.
You have been under a lot of pressure. You stood by your W while she underwent this procedure and then she defiantly turned around and showed disrespect by allowing the boy to do what he wanted in spite of what you had already told him. I would have been furious just as you were! It sounds like she has either won over the oldest by telling him some things to get him "on her side" of the stitch or else he thinks if there is a D, he will live with her and be a "free man" to do as he pleases without any problems with the old man.
Don't lose hope! Just regain your ground with the son. He needs to know without any doubts that you are the head of the home and if he ever goes to his mother with anything after you have told him that he was not allowed to do whatever it is he wants.....he will have to deal with the consquences. Then, I would deal with the W about what she did! It places you in a very sticky situation b/c you must have your children repect you and obey you---and the W must not go against what you have already told the kids just to get back at you, or to win their favoritism, or out of spite for you. I suppose if I were to ever lose hope, it would be under those circumstances. However, I do believe that in time parents can gain the respect from their kids again. But, if this 16 year old boy has been given a lot of "freedom" from mom....there is going it is going to be hell to crack down on him now.
If at all possible (and it's hard with 16 year-olds) but if the you two had something you liked to do together....go to sport evens, fishing, whatever....maybe you could work at spending more time with him. When adults are having M problems, they don't realize that all their time and energy is being placed on their spouse instead of the kids (in some cases). Perhaps he feels neglected and is rebelling.....(aren't they all?). So, I think the key is to have an equal amount of discipline along with the love, affection and good times. Which is kind of hard with some boys and dads to show affection when there is strife between them. Try spending more time with the boys. At this scary age, they need their dad a lot. Oh, and I have learned also that they want one on one with dad and not share him with their sibling every time. Besides, spending more time with them will give your wife some space. I know you worry about her getting on the internet, but you can't hoover over her 24/7......my H tried that and it will backfire. Just back away like the DR book tells you and give her space.
The DR book is great and it really is the tools to get your M back on track again. But, I know where your wife is coming from b/c I was there myself once. Unless she decides to stop the internet chasing, it is going to get worse. That is what concerns me. I did not want to let it go when my H confronted me about it and told me I had an addiction. I almost hated him when I found out he had snooped and read my messages to the OM. But, it was my R with God that made the difference and helped me to realize that if I didn't break it, then God would deal with me......severely. That is just my personal belief. I know everyone has their own way of looking at things. That is how it works in my life. First, I have to get my life/heart right with God, then my H, and so on.
I have had many dark days in past years where one of my teenagers was concerned. I almost gave up hope. However, things did turn around and I was able to see God do His work in her life. Prayer is a powerful weapon that we have. Don't give up all hope yet. Give God time to work. The hardest thing for me is to stay out of His way and to remember that His time is not the same as my time and His ways are certainly not like my ways (which is a good thing...lol).
Know that you can talk to me anytime you need to. I'm here to listen and of course.....open my big mouth and give my POV. (lol)
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
