Mixed Signals - version ? who's counting

[catfan]

Well I just talked with my D11 like just about every day. I learned why we didn't go rock climbing tonight, seems someone has gone to the movies. Evidently it was a last minute thing too. I found out because I asked D11 to get mommy because we needed to talk about summer camps.

Gotta say it hurts a bit but I am not surprised. What I am surprised is that she went out when the girls were with her. She'd made statements in the past about not doing that, I don't do it.

Just a little disappointed right now and it does introduce doubt into my mind about what I posted just a bit ago.

[cat03]

hey catfan, hate to see you like this, she sends all these signals so obviously you will harbor a small glimmer of hope, which could grow..or not. Remind yourself of this statement:

I'm not expecting it, not even hoping for it.

[catfan]

Thanks Cat. You know I used to tell folks to watch out for the unknown expectations that they harbor deep inside. The one's we don't always realize we are holding. Yet here I am holding those and forgetting to pay attention to these unknown expectations.

So you are very right in reminding me!

Sadly I sit here contemplating filing so I can move on with my life. I actually have all the paperwork completed which in itself is very, very sad. Actually it was pretty easy and I have to say lawyers make serious money for such little work.

But somehow deep inside me I do have this feeling I'm not done yet, I'm not done standing, I'm not done working on me, I'm not done, we're not done even if she's out dating, even if I've explored it. Such conflicting feelings and thoughts. I want to be free, to feel great all the time, to not worry or think about this stuff, to just feel loved, accepted, appreciated and wanted. Yet I know what's important, my family, God and the vows I give to them, providing for them and doing what's right. So how can filing help accomplish the things I feel I must do for my family, myself and God?

[cat03]

Perhaps give yourself a timeline? (yes, yet again) at least something, in x months you re-asses the stich and see if there has been any positive progress.

My sitch is dead because each time things got worse and worse and he is adamant about D. Your W still hasn't said she is bent on D, so, I don't see why you can't keep on going for as long as you think you can go, only you know when enough is enough.
My sitch was bordering on emotional abuse what with H yanking me and ow around day after day, I had to stop that. Yours is different, although not a walk in the park, but I mean, she wants to be around you, you guys go out, so, who knows.

As you decide, just keep in mind this sitch can go either way at any given point and be ready for that.

[catfan]

You know Cat, I went to dinner the other night with a friend and she told me she believed in miracles and believed in the institution of marriage. She went on to tell me that I needed to look at the situation from a different angle, that God performs miracles every day and we don't even realize it.

I hear you saying the same thing to me and I guess my gut is telling me it as well.

No, I don't have any expectations but I do have desires that it is restored to a point we can build something new and wonderful together. But it's a struggle right now because I am getting to a point of hopelessness.

Well, no matter what I'm in a rut and I just have to soldier through it because I do know there is sunshine on the other side!

[catfan]

You know Cat, I went to dinner the other night with a friend and she told me she believed in miracles and believed in the institution of marriage. She went on to tell me that I needed to look at the situation from a different angle, that God performs miracles every day and we don't even realize it.

I hear you saying the same thing to me and I guess my gut is telling me it as well.

No, I don't have any expectations but I do have desires that it is restored to a point we can build something new and wonderful together. But it's a struggle right now because I am getting to a point of hopelessness.

Well, no matter what I'm in a rut and I just have to soldier through it because I do know there is sunshine on the other side!

[catfan]

A bit of journaling at a rather late hour. I'm at our beach house, its a place that I have found a lot of comfort, peace, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, frustration, in short it's a place I've experienced a lot of emotions when I've been here alone. For my long time DB friends, you'll remember I spent a great deal of time in 2007 here, especially after I was laid off. Sadly I haven't been here since November or December, a really long time.

So what do I feel mostly here? Closeness with God. I love to go out on the beach late at night, the stars out, the waves rolling, no one about. It's where I can sit or walk and really talk with God. For whatever reason that's where I can really feel him with me more than anywhere else.

So tonight after I got here, I went out on the beach and just sat. On the 2.5 hour drive down a couple of thoughts started to become clear to me once again. I realized I had become really confused, my mind clouded and I didn't even realize it. What came clear was I am not done, I don't want to be done, I want to soldier on. I know once she starts to find herself she'll be able to clearly see the good things and how she, we, can be together again enjoying such great feelings, supporting each other, loving each other, being happy together.

Right now she's about as distant emotionally as she's ever been. But I can see it in her eyes, I can see deep inside there that's she's not done yet either. But her clouded head is overriding her heart. She needs to still let the clouds clear so her feelings can shine through. So she can see and believe.

So I pray for her tonight, pray for our girls, pray for myself and pray for all my friends here.

[catfan]

a bit more journaling, I'm trying not to analyze things and definitely not over analyze like I would back when this situation started. But something has been eating at me and I noticed it again yesterday evening when I went to pick up a rug she had cleaned. It's the rug for our entry way at the beach house.

So she's clearly done some light dating, is exploring options, trying to find herself and what she wants. Well on the build it book shelf by the phone and where she keeps her laptop, a place she's at alot, right there on the shelf still being displayed, our wedding album. Then on the lowest book shelf, two books I gave her, the Five Languages of Apology and Getting Back Together. Odd because all the other books like this she's packed up and our big wedding photos were taken down once the sep agreement was signed. So why has she not packed up these things?

Well I'm not going to spend cycles trying to figure it out but it is an interesting thing nonetheless. To me I look at it as a tiny signal that she's not done, a bit of confirmation in actions. But I will not place any hopes on this extremely tiny crumb.

[cat03]

prayers back at you catfan, God is a God of the impossible, and if it is for the best, you guys will be back tgether, I pray your faith grows like a mustard seed, that no matter what you grow stronger)))))))))))))))))

[catfan]

Thanks Cat. I'm approaching this very differently now and trying not to be "desperate" internally about it. I have wondered if that was working against us and me specifically.

As I drove back from the beach Sunday morning thoughts crept into my head about giving up and betrayal. Betraying my wife, our kids, my vows and God. For me giving up, letting go or how ever you want to say it felt like betrayal but I had never verbalized it that way until I read a thread by AmyC over in the Prayer Circle forum. Talk about struggling with a thought!

Well thanks to Amy and a few others I was able to get past my very confusing thoughts and feelings about betrayal and letting go. I can't even begin to describe how I feel a weight was lifted off of me.

Well off to Vegas today for a conference, I know, life is tough for some of us. I've traveled all around the world but this will be my first visit to Vegas. I'm actually looking forward to getting there and just treating it like a mini-vacation, some pool time, see a show, and basically do nothing! Oh I guess I do need to attend the conference and meet with my vendors. LOL!