I'm very sorry for your situation. I've been there myself (my wife has had 3 affairs). I'm sure that many of us can relate to your pain right now. All of the feelings you describe are normal.
Your wife is obviously in no real place to be making demands on you right now, but if you want your marriage to work, you should probably agree to not talk to people about the affair without talking to her first. Although I'm sure you could use the support, many people who have not been through an affair and/or are not married will tell you to leave your wife over this. Choose your advice carefully right now. I'd recommend that you seek a counselor, at least for yourself and a good marriage counselor for the two of you if she's agreeable. Shop for counselors carefully, because many of them aren't very pro-marriage and even for those that are, some aren't solution focused.
It's great that you've found DB and have started applying the techniques. Keep doing whatever works. I found that books like DR were very helpful. I also found good advice at www.marriagebuilders.com, which has a lot more info specific to affair recovery than this website. A book I found very helpful, in addition to DR, was "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass.
There are some difficult topics ahead that you will have to discuss with your wife. First, though, you should have yourself tested for STDs (her too, before you resume your sexual relationship).
You may feel the need to ask questions about the affair. You have the right to know anything you choose to ask, but beware, you may not like many of the answers.
You are right not to accept responsibility for her affair. You are only responsible for your own actions in the marriage. She chose to go outside your marriage, and eventually, she will need to accept that responsibility for herself. You should only take responsibility for your 50% of what is wrong in the marriage and change those things about yourself that you can. This website and the Weiner-Davis books are good resources for making those changes.
