How do you deal with the pain? How do you forgive? Here's my story: After 8 years of marriage, with 2 children, my wife told me on 2/26 (almost right after lovemaking, no less!) that she wasn't happy and was considering leaving me. She also swore that there was no OG. It seemed to me to be a combination of a MLC (she is 39, has started going to the gym, had decided to get a breast lift and implants, talked about being unfulfilled just raising children, other stuff) and also maybe symptomatic of a WAW (I never paid any attention to her, except for sex; I was grouchy all the time, etc).
I was devastated, having had no clue, and having felt closer to her in recent months than ever before (obviously, I was alone in that). I immediately got DB, and started changing my behaviors. She refused to go to MC, read any books, or do anything else that I suggested. But, slowly, over the course of the last 2 � months, she has become much more receptive to me. We've been talking regularly, holding hands while watching TV, going on some dates, and she often asks me to rub her back and shoulders. We also have been having sex, albeit only about once a week. I thought we were really on the right track. Any day now, she was going to tell me she loves me and had decided to stay.
Then 4 days ago I walked in on her while she was on the computer. She acted flustered and quickly closed down some of the windows. I became suspicious, and being fairly computer-handy, I installed some tracking software that records what the computer user is doing. Two days ago, I found out that my wife had a secret e-mail account, and that she was using it to e-mail her OG. I found out that the affair had begun at the beginning of February, a few weeks before our fateful conversation. Some of the e-mails contained very sexually graphic language describing what she had done and would do to him, and him to her. She also described how much she loved him. As much as it was killing me, I somehow couldn't bring myself not to read every last one of them. That was a mistake, I think, because I cannot get the ones about the sex out of my mind.
I confronted her, and she quickly agreed to end the affair immediately. She said that she had been recently feeling somewhat better about us and our relationship, she realized that she had a lot to lose (she was mainly talking about the kids, the house, and her relationships with our friends, I think, and not so much me), and that she was probably about to end the affair anyway. At that point, I wished to God that I had not read the e-mails.
But even with her already having decided to stay, I am in such pain. I love her so much, but I just don't see how I can ever get past the pain. There are so many aspects. The bald-faced lies. The secrets. How do you ever trust again? Then there's the passion with which she expressed her love to him in those e-mails. But the thing that I really can't handle is the sexual e-mails. I can't see how I can ever have sex with her again without picturing him (I've met him so I know what he looks like) with her. She described sex with him in terms and with a passion that she has never used with me (maybe not even at the beginning of our relationship). I've read that others have made it through their spouses' affairs with marriages that are better, with even the sex being better. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I just don't see it.
Our sex life was OK, I thought. Not great, but not terrible either. She says now that it wasn't so much the sex, it was the attention that the OG paid to her. But sex was obviously a primary activity for them.
There is so much involved. My pride is shot. I'd like to be able to say that my ego is not involved, but it is. Some other guy had sex (and lots of it) with MY wife. How do I deal with that? Part of me wants to go out and kick his a**, or have my own affair, to even up the score, as it were. But I know I won't do that.
If we didn't have kids, I might leave. But we do, and she's willing to try, so I have to make this work. But how? I can't forgive her. She has apologized, sort of, but at the same time she basically blamed me for driving her to it. She feels guilty, and feels bad that I have been hurt, but reading between the lines, I can tell that she thinks that I sort of had this coming to me. But, while I was no perfect husband, I cannot and do not accept responsibility for HER affair.
So many thoughts race around in my head. Why did she start an affair rather than first coming to me to explain how unhappy she was? Why didn't she just end the affair before I found out? Why did I feel so compelled to spy on her, just when things seemed to be going well?
Somebody, please help me. I've got no one to talk to about this. I can't talk to my friends and family about this. The one condition that she put on staying with me was that I don't tell anyone about her affair. That pisses me off, but to tell the truth, I know she's right. Telling everyone what happened wouldn't help anything. I don't want anyone gossiping about us. Plus, I'm ashamed for myself (After all, I was such a bad husband that my wife sought out sex with another man). I don't want pity. I just want my life back. But I have no clue how to make that happen.
I'm very sorry for your situation. I've been there myself (my wife has had 3 affairs). I'm sure that many of us can relate to your pain right now. All of the feelings you describe are normal.
Your wife is obviously in no real place to be making demands on you right now, but if you want your marriage to work, you should probably agree to not talk to people about the affair without talking to her first. Although I'm sure you could use the support, many people who have not been through an affair and/or are not married will tell you to leave your wife over this. Choose your advice carefully right now. I'd recommend that you seek a counselor, at least for yourself and a good marriage counselor for the two of you if she's agreeable. Shop for counselors carefully, because many of them aren't very pro-marriage and even for those that are, some aren't solution focused.
It's great that you've found DB and have started applying the techniques. Keep doing whatever works. I found that books like DR were very helpful. I also found good advice at www.marriagebuilders.com, which has a lot more info specific to affair recovery than this website. A book I found very helpful, in addition to DR, was "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass.
There are some difficult topics ahead that you will have to discuss with your wife. First, though, you should have yourself tested for STDs (her too, before you resume your sexual relationship).
You may feel the need to ask questions about the affair. You have the right to know anything you choose to ask, but beware, you may not like many of the answers.
You are right not to accept responsibility for her affair. You are only responsible for your own actions in the marriage. She chose to go outside your marriage, and eventually, she will need to accept that responsibility for herself. You should only take responsibility for your 50% of what is wrong in the marriage and change those things about yourself that you can. This website and the Weiner-Davis books are good resources for making those changes.
Thanks for your help. The marriagebuilders site was helpful. Maybe I can get my W to do some reading now too. She is more open to that or MC (which we are going to look into) now. Thanks also for your advice about choosing a good counselor.
As much as I'm hurting, after reading others' posts, I realize that the situations that many others are in are worse than mine. Spouses that keep them in limbo for years, spouses that abandon them, spouses that have multilple affairs (like yours). I find it hard to believe that the pain can be worse than mine, but it must be. Can you describe your situation a little more?
Can you ever have sex without thinking about or picturing the lover with your W? If so, how long after the A did that take? And if not, can sex ever be more than just a physical release again?
I think I can love her again. Actually, that misstates it. I know that I love her now, and yet I hate her too. She was as cold and as uncaring for my pain as I can imagine that someone could be. There were many times during the last few months when she "just wanted to be alone for awhile" (e.g., overnight), or "just needed to be alone with her friends from work" (out until 2am). This stuff crushed me, and she knew it, but she would just get angry at me for my "neediness", and make me feel guilty for "smothering" her. Meanwhile, of course, she was just going to see the OG. It is truly amazing that love can be so wonderful, and yet if it is directed outside of the marriage, so completely destructive and hurtful.
Anyway, I'd like to hear your story, if you'd like to tell it.
I'm not sure if it will help, but since you asked, here's a little background on my situation. My W had 3 affairs: the first 2 were one night stands (1 with a friend, 1 with stranger), and 1 was a 5 month long EA/PA with a "friend". The first 2 happened 2 years ago and the third last year. I became suspicious about the last affair about May/June 2002, began collecting evidence and confronted W last Oct. She first denied/lied, then admitted it. I only knew about OM #3 at the time, but she revealed OM #1 and #2 on D-day. We found a good counselor (solution focused "brief" therapy) in Nov. and begain therapy. Things improved, but there have been 2 major setbacks. She has initiated contact (cell phone and email, no sex) with OM #3 twice since agreeing to no contact. 2nd time I asked her for a divorce. She and I discussed the situation and agreed not to DV, but I gave her ultimatum - no contact of any kind, ever again, period, or there will be a DV. She agreed and we have been working on M ever since. The short of it is that generally things are positive, but we are still working hard to fix the problems.
What was my role? Typical, and you will find similar stories for the WAWs on the forum. I wasn't giving her enough of my time and affection. I didn't have sex with her enough. I basically took her for granted. It didn't start that way (we've been married 6 years). It evolved over the first 4 years of the marriage. One of the basic problems was that we are both conflict avoiders and don't like to communicate negative things with each other (still don't but trying). I have done as much of a 180 as I know how and mostly, it seems to be working.
I was tempted to leave her many times and sometimes I still think about it. I stay because a) I still love her, and b) we have a son that I refuse to leave behind.
Do I think about OM before during or after sex with W? Yes. Unfortunately, almost as often now as just after the affair was revealed (which is about every other time we have sex). I don't know if sex can be more than a "physical release" again. It used to mean more to me, but since d-day has been less about love than pleasure. But, and this is a big but, it feels great, and there is a sense of connection from time to time, so I maintain hope for better days.
Much of the need to compare yourself sexually to the OM seems inevitable, I'm afraid. I wish I could offer you a magical fix from experience, but I can't. Sometimes it is helpful to think that she could have left me for OM but didn't. I know - that doesn't mean I'm a better lover than he is - in fact I'm pretty sure the opposite is true. But I think it does mean that she considers me a better person overall than he is, and that helps.
My W has also been pretty unsympathetic to my pain. It would have helped if she were more understanding and compassionate, but she wasn't. Just remind yourself that you have probably also caused your W a great deal of pain that you don't comprehend fully.
You say your W gets angry at you for your "neediness". Well, I think that stinks personally, but try to keep in mind what I just wrote. Also, keep in mind that in doing your DBing, go with what works. If you want your W to fall in love with you again, don't be needy. Try to recreate the person she originally married and "act as if" you are happy, even if you aren't. For the time being, try to do some damage control about issues related to the affair. You need your questions answered, but don't spend 24/7 analyzing your R and the A. If your W will agree, reserve a set time and place to discuss issues regarding the A and try to set a time limit for the discussions ahead of time. Other times, if questions occur to you, just write them down and save them for the discussion times.
brian, there are a lot of us affair survivors in piecing. it may be helpful for you to go there and check out the men's threads for guidance.
don't forget it was your w's choice to have an affair. no matter what was wrong in your relationship. there were a thousand other things she could have chosen to do to get you involved in fixing what she felt was lacking. have you read the monogomy myth? it may help you to de personalize the affair.
my h had 3 affairs with 2 diff. women. the first lasted a year, but was spread out between two(they "broke up" in between) the second was about 4 mo. and my h walked out on me and our 8mo. old d to persue. i found a love letter she#1 wrote and it made me physically ill. my h wrote love letters to the second one proving his love. VERY HURTFUL.
i thought we were relatively happy and was shocked to find everything out all at once on the day of the actual bomb.
my point is that we are together now, for 14 mo. and working hard to fix all the damage and the problems that led to my h seeking affairs. i think about the other sex after we have sex when h wants to hold me. i can't do it...yet. but it does get better with time. also, your w may express more guilt and grief over hurting you in time. it took my h a while to be empathetic(outwardly)to my feelings.
you also might want to try therapy on your own too. i did and found it very beneficial to working out my grief and anger.
Thanks for the support, dcr and lisa. I'm having some trouble posting. For some reason, the "Reply" option was not available to me. Frustrating. Then after lisa posted, it showed up again. I emailed the website but haven't received an answer to that one yet.
Here's an update. Yesterday was ugly. I called W at home in the middle of the afternoon just to say hi, and got no answer. No answer on her cell either. Left messages on both phones. I knew that the middle-late afternoon had been prime time for her and the OG, so I became a little suspicious. About an hour later, I called again and left a terse message on her cell phone. She called back a few minutes later from home. She had been taking a long shower (actually, a long shower in the middle of the day is very typical for her, but I hadn't thought of that). Even so, I got angry at her for not answering. After I calmed down, I called her back and apologized, and promised to be nice when I got home (somebody tell me again, why it is I have to be nice?).
Later, after I got home, the evening was going along OK until we discussed her best girlfriend, who is planning a visit in a couple of weeks. I feel somewhat betrayed by the girlfriend, who knows me and who knew all about the A and basically condoned it. So, being none too pleased about having her for a visit, I argued with my W again. We went from having a pleasant conversation to saying some bitter words in no time. She ended up crying uncontrollably. When I finally softened up a bit and got her to talk, she told me that she was really missing the OG. You can imagine how I felt, I'm sure. We just laid there and went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, both completely miserable.
I called her this morning to see how she was doing (I leave for work before she wakes up). She sounded completely depressed. While I hate that she is this depressed over the OG, I'm trying to take it as a sign that she really is not contacting him, on the assumption that she would have probably been perkier if she had. Is that looking for the silver lining, or what?
I feel like a woman with bad PMS. My mood swings are incredible. I go from being basically OK to enraged in seconds. And it takes very little to set me off. Then I feel terrible that I've gotten so angry, or that I've upset my W. This just SUCKS.
I bought "After the Affair", which I saw people recommending on some other threads. I'll see if my W is interested in reading it, but I doubt she will. It looks like it could help me, in any case.
dcr and lisa, thanks for your kind words and for sharing about your situations. It really is helpful to find out how it is for other people in similar situations. If there are others who read this and also would like to share their experiences, I'd like to hear it. It is depressing to know that after a year+ sex is still difficult, and that you still think about the OP often. I thought it must be that way, but somehow I was hoping that some miracle could occur that could keep me from thinking about OG during that time. It's such a loss for me. I never felt closer to my W than when we were having sex. I think that I will never again feel that way. It makes me think that maybe D is better. But unless things get worse, I know I'll stay for the sake of the kids.
dcr, I know exactly what you mean about comparing yourself to the other guy. On the day I found out, I asked my wife some questions about sex with the OG that I didn't really want the answers to, and thank God she refused to provide them. All I know is, from her emails, the sex was very good.
I've heard that women obsess about the emotional aspects and guys obsess about the sex. Absolutely true in my case. The fact that she had emotional needs satisfied elsewhere doesn't bother me nearly as much.
I'm going to go home now. I'm bound and determined to keep my emotions and tongue in check tonight and be as pleasant as possible. I know that my W needs some space and I need to avoid torturing her with guilt. I wish she could help me get through this, and I wish I could help her, but it appears that neither can help the other because we just have too much to deal with ourselves. This board definitely helps. Thanks again.
One more question and then I'll end this marathon post. For those of you who are religious, do any of you blame God? At the moment, I'm none too pleased with him either. After my wife told me in Feb that she was thinking about leaving, I prayed so hard and often that God would make me a better husband and bring her back to me. And I thought he was. At church a week ago I thanked him that things seemed to be so much better. And now this. Thanks, Lord. For nothing.
Hi, I'm very sorry to hear about your sitch. It sound s very similar to what I went through with my H. We are now piecing, but I hear what you are saying about the whole sex issue. I have a very difficult time with it myself. Although it is great & all I always wonder about the OW, and feel very self conscious, humiliated and many others. And I always wonder if he thinks of her & if he'll do this to me again. Things are good right now and I am still DBing, but I think It will take me a long time. I can forgive and boy I would love to forget. I hope things get better for you I know how terribly hurt you are all to well. Did you find the monogamy thing? I would like to read that myself. My H put alot of the blame on me too, I do take some of it but I don't think anything should send you into the arms of another when you are M, its just so wrong. I hope you are feeling better, if it helps I still have my bad days (alot) when things just pop into my head unexpectedly. Take care of yourself. ~~K~~
I know how you feel about GOD, I felt the same way for awhile, but the someone told me this quote "I know God will not give me anything that I can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much" It made me feel alittle better. Plus I think praying helps so much but I guess it doesn't mean our prayers will be answered the way we want them to be. ~~K~~ PS. Keep your chin up I know how hard it is for you.
Many of us can relate to how you are feeling. Try to take heart in the knowledge that what you feel is entirely normal. And although it does take a long time to heal from the damage associated with affairs and the underlying problems in your marriage, there is a good chance that you can achieve this if you try.
Remember to control the damage as much as you can. Don't ask questions unless you are prepared for the answer. It's a bad idea to give your W the power to decide what you will know or not know about the OM. I recommend writing your questions down first, then thinking about how you might feel about the answers (best case/worst case) for a few days. If you still want to know after that, then ask away. If your W is hesitant to provide info, you may want to have her read this article at the Peggy Vaughn's website (the author of the Monogamy Myth):
I recommended the Marriage Builders site because, unlike many of the books you might read, including DB and DR, the Harley books recommend a specific approach to affair recovery. There are similarities between the approach taken by MB and that recommended by DB, but in the initial stages of recovery, I found MB more helpful. For me, it was impossible to conceive of working on the marriage until the affairs were stopped.
I highly recommend working on yourself in the meantime (take Michele's good advice), but you should also take specific steps to assure yourself that the affair is not continuing during the healing process, IF you want to save your marriage. The MB program offers specific steps designed to stop the betrayal - they may not work all the time, but at least it will give you something to do. The DB program, IMO, offers some of the best advice on working on yourself and rekindling your spouses interest in you. Whatever you decide to do, take control of your life. Do not let your W's despicable behavior and emotional turmoil associated with it control you. Get a life and start living it - go out with friends, exercise, read for fun, start a new hobby. Don't let your W walk all over you emotionally (and don't do it to her either).
Above all, do not make any hasty decisions about your marriage until you've had time to sort through some of the most troubling emotions. Give yourself at least six months before you decide whether or not to divorce her. That's really not a long time at all, especially if you really apply yourself to getting out and having fun. You can also work on being the best possible H to your W you can be (whatever that means for your marriage). This will be beneficial even if you eventually decide divorce, because you may learn important lessons you can apply to future relationships. Keep in mind that the divorce rate is higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages, probably because people keep making the same mistakes over again. So, learn to stop making those mistakes in your current relationship and you will reap the benefit no matter what the eventual outcome with your W.
Sorry to here about your sitch. I'm going thruogh similar. My W was open and honest about being on the computer and sexually talking to both girls and guys. A t first I though I was ok with it because see was using fake picturesand not using her real name.
But now she has some reguler guys and girls she talks to and has taken pictures of her self(of face and other parts) To me it feels worse than if I caught her in bed with another guy. I want to track her on the computer but I know it wouldn't do anygood. Please let me know what kind of program you used and can a guy who is computer challanged install it and not get caught.
I need to know if my fears are base less or are all my fears just the beginning? I hope that we both can get through ooour hard times keep your head up.
