Hope I dont post much but did want to offer a bit of advise from someone who was in your shoes. My wife is now asking for another chance but I just dont think I have it in me. I could probably get past the affair itself but right as her and Mr Wonderful were ending things she got pregnant.
I see some thing that I think are blatant mistakes on your part that I just want to point out. You told your kids about the affair and I think you had a right to at their age. Now leave them out of it! This is a problem between your wife and you. If she feels you are trying to sway the children to favor you she may never forgive you for that. They dont need to know what your rules are for working on things. If you really want your wife to come home you have to quit rubbing her face into the mistakes she has made.
She probably doesnt like you much right now and couldnt imagine leaving her wonderful affair for you, so quit asking her to. You've told her your thoughts about working this out, you dont need to keep telling her. It comes off as desperate. Have you been accused of being controlling? If so the last thing she wants to hear from you if she only listens and follows your steps that she can have a relationship (that she doesnt want right now anyway) back.
The one thing in my situation that made a huge difference is how I went on with my life. I became an even better dad. I started exercising and got in pretty darn good shape. I made sure the house was spotless anytime she dropped by. I didnt date but told her since she left I didnt consider it a marriage anymore and she was free to date just dont have them around our child and I would do the same. This drove her absolutely crazy she told me she couldnt understand how I didnt miss a beat while her life was in utter chaos. She realized I didnt need her to have a good life and the saddest part of the whole thing is that I realized it too.
