Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

NoCode, thanks for checking on me. I've been lurking on your thread. I'm sorry about the job demotion. I saw everyone's post, including the wise Theo. I, in no way see how you've failed your sons. You have been there for them and shown them all the love you can. You are a good father and they see that.

It's been a bit quiet around home lately. H has done some strange things. On Monday he called to see if I needed anything from the store, as he had to run over his lunch. He came home & and had dinner with us and stayed home all night. In fact, the day was similar on Tuesday too. D4 had asked if I could take her to school on Tuesday morning. H got up and made us all breakfast and had our lunches all made. Last night he was a bit more snippy with me. He'd called me during the day. He had been planning on going back home in May to go to a concert with his brother. Airfare has gone through the roof out of Minneapolis and it has more than doubled since he first checked. He said he might drive and wanted to know if I wanted to go with. He was more than shocked when I told him that I'd have to think about it. His response was......What?....Why do you have to think about it?......Do you have plans? So, that might have been part of the reason he was snippy. H kept coming into the bedroom last night where I was watching tv, but then would snap at me for looking at him the wrong way. Oh, and D4 announced to him that she and I are going to a baseball game with a friend of mine & her girls. I think he's very confused about what's going on with me. I went to a happy hour by myself last week and now a baseball game??? Not like Sue at all!

Anyway, last night H hung around home until after 11:00 and then left to go workout. He dug around his is dresser drawer for what I call his "magic pills" and then brushed his teeth. Yeah, not sure if he was actually lifting weights for his workout last night. He called this morning and talked to me for just a few minutes before leaving to drop off D4.

I think he and OW had some sort of rift. I spoke with OW's H on Tuesday. From what he said, OW had some very strange behavior and was very upset around the same time that my H's behavior started to change too. She said on Thursday that she feels like her life is over, a mess. She told her H that if she divorces him, her children will suffer. If she stays with him, then she doesn't get what she wants. He convinced her that night to see a C. By Sunday, she was back to telling him that she wanted no part of the M and she would not see a C. Now, I know my H has tried to contact OW by phone call & by sending her the songs with a "I miss you, I can't live without you..." theme, but I don't know anything else.

I have to be honest with everyone here. I told this to a very good friend off the board and she told me to put it out here. My H has been asking me to come to grips with the fact that it's over and that we aren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I mentioned earlier in my posts that his nice behavior early in the week actually scared me. Over the past almost 3-4 weeks, I have turned a page. I have come to grips with this and have done what he's asked me. To realize it's over. I've come to see how a WAS feels when we beg and plead for them to come back. My H came no where near begging or pleading with me. The very sight of any "nice H" made me want to head for the hills. I felt guilty for my child for feeling that way, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I want to move forward and be happy. Now, I may be getting ahead of myself by assuming that H would come back if it ended between him and OW, but I have known my H for 17 years. He is the type of person that needs companionship.....even it it's temporary until he finds something better. He, in so many words, has told me over the past few years that we never should have continued our M after his first affair. I sat last night thinking about all the things that would need to change before I'd want my M back again. I know there are too many things for my H to handle. However, I also know that if he would come back and I said No, it's too late..........that he would blame me for the split of our family. He would tell me that I begged him to stay and that ....well, here he is.

I might be rambling, but I'm just confused.

Well, it's a messy rainy/snowy mix here and it's time for me to head out and get D4.