No I haven't...hence my comment about unhealthy start to a relationship. I do find myself growing more fond of him by the day though.
Oh the confusion sets in...why do I seem to have to know everything about this affair...i.e. name, age, when they had the opportunity to do the deed, etc... Knowing won't make it hurt less or make it go away so why am I dwelling on it? Anyone have any ideas?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
You are rationalizing everything you are doing. This is your time to step up to the plate and be honest. And remember you started seeing OM before you knew about your H's affair. Using another person to make yourself feel better is obviously not working. And it most certainly is not DBing.
Look it has been less than 4 months. You are not going to heal overnight. It just doesn't work that way. And putting it off isn't going to help either. I'll tell you when I knew I was on the right track. It was when I was smart enough to recognize that I wasn't through the pain and stopped looking for someone to make me feel better about myself. And it still took time.
No I haven't...hence my comment about unhealthy start to a relationship. I do find myself growing more fond of him by the day though.
Oh the confusion sets in...why do I seem to have to know everything about this affair...i.e. name, age, when they had the opportunity to do the deed, etc... Knowing won't make it hurt less or make it go away so why am I dwelling on it? Anyone have any ideas?
Because it's human nature? Because it keeps you focused on something so you don't have to look at other things? Oftentimes it's hard to let go of feeling wronged.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I need this OM right now to help me drown out the hurt from H.
Dear...I'm sorry this is happening. It "cuts like a knife", and a Bandaid will not work. You are trying to bury your true feelings. Anger, pride, disgust, and pain multiplies. Another man or "side salad", keeps you in denial.
You can choose a comeback attitute. You can opt to give up men (but not H), and work on forgiveness. Even if H continues the affairs, DECIDE to forgive. The journey is not easy - but worthwhile. This will be your stepping stone towards DB'n. Your kids are products of your love together. Harbouring resentments toward their father does not help them, nor you. They would be deeply affected by a D. You and H made setbacks. Why not step-out of the routine? Let your setback become a comeback. Allow your comeback become a stepping stone. Perhaps you can DB in time.
Quote:
Oh the confusion sets in...why do I seem to have to know everything about this affair...i.e. name, age, when they had the opportunity to do the deed, etc... Knowing won't make it hurt less or make it go away so why am I dwelling on it? Anyone have any ideas?
Curiousity and insecurity first come to mind. Perhaps the comparing will help reveal how hot you are. Else, it can work against you.
Another thing, he was dishonest. You may be under the impression that the more he 'fesses up, the less he is excluding you? However, gory details are not required. All you need is the will to forgive. Set your anger, pride, and hurt aside. I know. I know. "HE WAS the one who started this!" If you keep up this mentality, you will dig yourself in a deeper hole. Not just in regards to H, your family, but for you. It's time to be accountable. You've allowed him to morph you into someone else.
I gave H the option to stop all this mess today and come home and we can fix things and heal as a family...his reply..."I have done too much damage and can't face anyone and have destroyed you and the kids." I have read on other posts from those with spouses that are heading home or are home that the WAS said and acted in the same manner.
One day at a time...
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well H told me he is very attracted to this woman he is with and living with because she is caring and likes to do the things he likes to do like bike riding, volleyball, bar hoping, etc... all the things basically I was never into.
Funny how he goes from the post previous to this one to this all within a couple hours time. I guess it's par for the course. He is so lost and confused. I am sitting back and doing everything I can to be the girlfriend he needs and reassure him I am not out to burn him or get EVEN with him for what he did. He is so very fearful I will nail his b*lls to the wall.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
"Funny how he goes from the post previous to this one to this all within a couple hours time. I guess it's par for the course. He is so lost and confused. "
I am confused... Are we talking about him or you?
Oh.. I think Queen B may like that one.
"I gave H the option to stop all this mess today and come home and we can fix things and heal as a family"
Is he there yet?? I swear I saw a guy with a Snap-On box headed that way.
"I have done too much damage and can't face anyone and have destroyed you and the kids."
Lot of hurt and pain in that. He is definitely having a MLC.
Come on Heather. I can see you reaching out. You have NFC Disease. We all have. What do you want?? Either you want this to work or you don't. I can get on board and "fix" you either way. This sh*t is killing me. I don't want to see you here.
All I can do is show you I care.
The rest is up to you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Caught H in more lies to me lastnight when he showed up for his time with the kids so I insisted he leave without seeing them and threatened him. Told him I can't trust him as the lies grow thicker every day. He now wants to exchange the kids in a public place out of fear I will actually hit him and he may react by protecting himself. I also told him this would all be easier on me and the kids if he wouls just take his own life. Oh my god did I do some major damage lastnight that I never wanted to do.
My anger came out and my hurt took over and I hurt him back with the things I said and did and can never take any of that back now. I really believe this is a done deal at this point.
He is oging away on an exotic trip with this new girlfriend and his parents are paying his way. How wonderful?!?! I snapped and went ape s**t about how his parents have shut me out and have never once called me to check on the kdis and see if we needed any help with anything knowing the financial struggle we are in since H took the pay cut in November but they can send him away with his girlfriend. Well he admitted that he is also lieing to them...wow...my head is spinning so fast I can't figure any of this out.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Please do not use your kids to hurt your H. The kids are in enough of a pickle.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
