Next Stop - " Surviving the Big D "

[Sad1]

Its been nine long months ( with no contact from W or D ) since I last posted at D-Busting if only because I've had no success and would not wish to dissuade others in the hope that their M's could be saved.
Dispite continued GAL activitiesw ( ballroom dance, learning guitar, cycling and even a new career ) aswell as PMA through cognative therapy, stbxw has still not glanced in my direction.
Even efforts to reach out to D17 have proven unsuccessful.
In two weeks we will attend family court for a case conference brief to begin the final phase of dissolving our M.
Obviously, at this point I believe W has made her intentions perfectly clear and I certainly have no illusion that the M we had can be repaired. I am prepared and have began to move on with my life and am even beginning to believe that happiness in other R's is possible.
However, having said all of that, I remember all of the reasons that I fell in love with her and the potential we had as a family. I'm saddened by the thought that I will not get to see my W grow old nor all of the milestones of D's life. Therefore I am reluctant to let them go if even the slightest hope to begin a new R somehow exists.

So, in the 11th hour I've returned to DBing for some perspective from others on my sitch or perhaps a little encouragement to push me over this final hurdle.

P.S. - W will be here tomorrow ( me, asked not to be here ) for an inventory of property and is having a birthday in 1 wk. - opportunity or illusion?

[Sad1]

I'll say it myself then..... GIVE IT UP BUDDY! TAKE YOUR LUMPS ($) AND MOVE ON!
My next GAL will be to brush up on my bartending skills which I understand will be needed on my next stop - "Surviving the Big D"
I had no success saving my M with DB ing therefore unable to help others, but when things are finallized maybe I can help on the other side of "D".
Good luck to everyone still working to save their M's, I wish success for you all.
Time to go catch up with those having survived.

[cat03]

hey Sad, guess there is nothing to loose when you see her and test the waters. Since you've been separated for so long with no contact whatsoever it is hard to make any assumptions about how she feels/thinks at this point. The last things that dies is hope, you've done well for yourself and have accepted that perhaps this it, so whatever happens you know where you stand in your mind, you've GAL and gone on with your life.
Why won't your d17 won't talk to you?

[Sad1]

Wow, my first reply. Thanks cat03.
If hope is the last thing that dies I wish for it to go now, and quickly. The reality is that in absence of a miracle, D will be done with or without my acceptance. GAL activities help to pass time and distract my thinking most times but always in the back of my mind and in my heart is a sadness I can't seem to let go of. On the surface it appears that I'm moving ahead, I just don't feel it yet. We've been S for over 16 months with no relief yet. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to stop looking back and accept that I have to look forward. Time, time will tell.
I've tried to reach out to D17 with cards for B'day and Xmas with no response. Being 17 and having to endure this disruption in her life suggests that she's probably angry with me right now and I can understand why. I can only hope that time will allow a relationship in the future. Or, to beat myself up a little more I might suggest that I failed her as a father as I failed her mother as a husband?
CRAP, back to therapy I go.

[cat03]

hey sad, I just read on your old posts that d isn't yours biologically, I wonder if she just doesnt' want to be hurt by staying close to you, since her mom seems to S permanently, perhaps she is just trying to protect her feelings, and you are right, 17 is a hard age.

Letting go is the hardest, i'm still struggling, and as another fellow Db tells me, years later, her "feathers" get ruffled. This is one of the most (asides from death) harroring and stressful events we'll eve have to go through.

Work on acceptance, it's the basis to it all, then, the GAL activities wont' just be distractions but...your NEW life, the path in front you. Sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. How many times at church people comment how well I look since I always smile to all who come by. I dont' smile 'cause all is well, I smile to lift myself up, as the cliche song goes "I smile so I dont' cry".

Therapy isnt' a bad thing Sad1, I'm heading that way soon, as soon as my C can fit me, I'm feeling crappy myself , i'm going through one of those unevitable stages of anger/denial , when we must purge all the hurt, they will happen, but I"m blessed to be able to say I've detached and accepted my H wants nothing with me and has chosen a whole different path for his life that doesnt include me.
Not the path I'd like my life to take, but there it is, I can either make the best of it or live in denial and hurt.

A great book that's helping me is "the spiritual divorce", give it a try, hang in there)))))))))))))))))))

[Sad1]

And the good news is... A small amount of faith in our judicial system has been restored to me. I was fortunate today that the presiding Judge felt that there was no room in this case for punishment and revenge as my stbxw would have liked. I feel part of my unwillingness to accept was the fear of the unknown and my financial fate. I admit my fault in the demise of my M and hoped to be fair to all of us in the settlement. Todays brief restored in me that, I WILL SURVIVE. I see light and believe it is door to the next phase of my life.

Thanks again cat03, I love and care for D17 and accept that she must do whatever she needs to do to be safe and happy. If that includes me that would be wonderful if not then I will love her just the same bio. dad or not. My fingers are crossed!

Now... if I could just remember what a smile felt like...

[cat03]

i'm glad to hear the judge was a good one Sad. Hope one day d17 values how much y you cared for her, you care for that girl a whole lot more than lots of bio parents would their own kids.

You will find your smile again Sad1, even if you have to fake it, don't feel like it, you will smile and be ready for whatever life throws your way.