H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[Evie]

Jen, Saffie, & 25yrs,

Jen, good question - not sure of the answer, maybe he is looking for a reaction, he will know i don't want to lose my home.

25 yrs - i'm sorry, but I didn't really understand your reply, would you clarify for me, are you saying that you think there maybe hope, but he wouldn't admit thats what he wants? If so then why is he pushing so hard to get everything sorted and move on?
No h hasn't wanted to ML, we were up until he left but not since, he was getting that with ow.

What he thinks has been going on for 7 months, is the current situation of seperation. He is saying it can't continue indefinately like this, That now its all out in the open lets start getting the ball rolling by selling house etc and no he hasn't got his head round the fact that the knowledge of his affair has caused me to have a set back, that's what infuriates me, he seems really calculating.

Saffie & 25 yrs - it's my belief that h has been trying to let me down gently. I believe he had a long term plan and knowledge of the affair was not meant to be known. I believe he wanted to keep me sweet and then casually suggest that maybe it's now time we consider selling the house?

Lets bear in mind that he committed to this new flat before the affair became public, at a time when we were getting on well, so now it is out in the open maybe his plan has backfired?

So maybe i'm answering your question here Jen and that would be that H doesn't expect me to fight for the house etc? Who really knows.

I see the solicitor tomorrow, i'm dealing with 4 issues
House
Property in france
business
maintenance

I want to acknowledge his text and have drafted the following response, which i may send later on today, i really don't want to be dealing with these issues whilst at work:

I am not ignoring you; I'm just trying to understand the implications of your proposal.

H,
It may have been 7 months for you, but I always had hope, so it's actually only been 1 month since I realised that you have moved on. I am still recovering from the shock and dealing with the emotional repercussions from our family, especially DD & S1.

I find myself in a situation not of my choosing and am now having to consider an uncertain future.

What I and my children need right now is stability and time, which does not entail immediately loosing our home - please give me the 6 months that you had to move forwards and plan. I ask for your patience and I hope you trust me that I am thinking very hard about what is fair for all of us.

I realise that things need to be sorted, but it is too soon for me to make any major decisions while I am still coming to terms with this situation.

E


Is it too long? Anything that is controversial, leave in or take out?

I'm really trying to play for time here, i'll compromise on the 6 months. The house won't sell straight away anyway. Last night I thought to myself that maybe from an emotional point of view i need to break all ties with him asap(except the boys). He is coming into the house and lingering longer than i'm comfortable with, he texting and emailing me at work about non-urgent stuff that I have already asked him not to and i just think is staying in the house and continuing with the business worth the hassle?

X Evie

[Evie]

just had another text -

im organising meeting with bank next week to register company and set up account - so it can go live - this will have a huge effect on direct debit, standing order into joint account etc etc we cannot just take money out - we have to sit down please.

[saffie]

Evie, you need advice on this going Ltd business and you need it now. Who is advising this? I can't help you here because I don't know the ins and outs of it all. Ask your accountant. There are both legal and financial implications. Doesn't it need both of your signatures to do this? You need to understand all of this - and don't go on what the bank tells you; generally they know nothing about these things unless your H has gone to a specialist department at the bank and paid for the advice. As a tax consultant I feel very uncomfortable about what he is proposing- but then I don't have the complete picture - it just feels wrong and that he is forcing you into something for his own convenience.

[Evie]

Sent my email, this is his reply;

am really sorry but I cannot give you another 6 months - we need to sit down and discuss things including the business and house etc etc. It has been nearly 8 months since I left home - if I leave it another 6 months who is to say you will be ready then

If the house goes for sale it may well take 12months to sell - it may not even sell at all and to wait another 6 months before we take any action is really silly. If the house is sorted in 18 months time you put your self near the point off having a 15/20 year mortgage which will be very expensive.

As far as trusting you - I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I do.

I am very close to going financially bump - I cannot even afford a leather football for S1 at the moment - I can't even afford to put my heating on and have to shower and shave at the School or at the gym.

I am paying into the joint account £1200 p/month and I cannot do this anymore.

I am not a ba***rd and it's not in my nature to be hard. I have supported you and DD's even when their dad gave up work for two years - I still worked my ass off to give you all I could.

I am in tears for our current situation - I was hoping we could really sit down but you still won't. I have not got a bad bone in my body, I love the boys more than I can say BUT I can't go on like this any more - I even have an interview next week to get a part time job working nights.



DD are XHs responsibilities not mine - D2 cannot even say hello and when she came round for S1's breakfast she didn't even say a word not even a thank you.

I have today cancelled the direct debit of £700 into the business account and the £500 from my account. The business account is active and I give you my word I wont spend a penny - it will remain until we start to discuss. I have also cancelled your company debit card and your right to sign cheques.

I have just completed all the forms to go limited with you having full rights to the account including debit card etc etc and have forms for you to fill in.

I have no want at the moment for the limited account to go live as we will have no flexibility what so ever as to what and when we take out money.

I have also taken out £500 cash from the safe and have banked it - from now on I think it only right we bank every penny and we cash up every day. There is enough money in there for S1 and his lessons for the next 8wks



It breaks my heart to have done this - but we need to talk and cant go on like this - I have never made so much money and have had so little - you on the other hand have less council tax, a smaller food bill, more tax credit, your salary and £1200.00 going into the joint account – some of our close friends have all said do you really expect Yvette to sit down with you!!!

I will set up another standing order for 20% of my net salary into the joint account for the boys - the 20% is the amount the CSA recommend.


I don't want to stop paying anything but at the moment I don't know where I stand and you wont sit down and discuss matters with me.

I stand by not going through a solicitor and I will be more than generous in what you have from our estate - I am more than willing to come away with less but we need to discuss matters

[seekpeaceofmind]

So - 2 days ago he was willing to give you some more time and then yesterday he couldn't wait another day. Now, he has made a number of financial adjustments unilaterally and says its all your fault because you wouldn't meet with him to discuss. It seems that you are going to have to take a stand on the logistical matters sooner rather than later, so it is good that you made the appt with a solicitor. Hopefully, you can make these financial decisions and still navigate the trickier emotional terrain without tripping too many land mines. When he started with the pressure on the decisions about the property and businesses, my first reaction was that this did not seem to be an issue that he was pursuing with you at all before the A b/c known. I think he is simply afraid that you will be vindictive and try to hurt him financially.

As far as trusting you - I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I do.

This is what it boils down to and he is trying to position himself to avoid losing more than he is willing to give. That's understandable, but it is also understandable that you will protect your own interests by making thoughtful and careful decisions.

Not sure about the business issues. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure that I would want to remain in business with H - I might rather have him buy me out. But if you go forward with his plan for now, how reversible is it?

I am not a ba***rd and it's not in my nature to be hard. . . .
I have not got a bad bone in my body, . . . .
It breaks my heart to have done this . . .

If you can look at his posture from a DB perspective, or just plain old conflict resolution, it is natural that he wants to be thought well of and what is happening is putting his self-image at odds with reality. All the anger, resentment and other negative feelings that you undoubtedly have right now are completely normal, but I would offer only the caution to try to pause as often as possible to consider what his perspective might be - not so that you can agree with it, but so that you can frame your decisions and responses within the context of that understanding. Hope that makes sense. . .

Really need to try to get some work done, but wanted to check in with you. I will be thinking of you and sending you positive energy for strength and well-being.

[Evie]

Thanks Seek,

My heart is telling me to get out of the business, my head is telling me to continue, but be very cautious, Saffie has helped with a lot of advice (Saffie, thankyou my friend)

wait for it there's more:

I told you we were over 12 months ago and I told you 3 days before you asked me to leave - I am not forcing it however it needs to be sorted - I am close to going bankrupt that is why I need to sort - S1 woke crying the other night because he was cold and I cannot afford heating - I now only put heating on when I have the boys and the breakfast you all had used up all my money -that is how skint I am.

Going limited is very controlling and given our circumstance I think its fair to us both - we will both have a salary and no exactly where we stand.

I am not forcing you out the business far from it - you are apart of it and the limited company is in both our names but it is not active - if it were to go active it would give us no flexibility what so ever.

And yes, there is nothing going into the joint account at all apart from £280.00 from me for the boys.

I am happy to change all of this but will not do it unless we sit down and go through how we might go forward. The reason for taking this action is that I don't know where we stand - we need to talk and you keep on refusing to.

Eve - I am not a bas***d - I hate doing this but right now I don't know what else to say - I own and pay for a house that I'm not even allowed into - if it was your house - I would respect every one of your wishes if it was your own house

Please let me know when you want to meet to discuss

My reply:

I will sit down; all I'm asking for is time to get my head around this. The situation is different for me now than it was prior to 5th March. How can you not expect me to have had a set back?
Why are you forcing the issue so much?
Have you sought proper legal advice about going ltd? Not just from the bank or accountant, I'm not sure it's the way forward or are you trying to force me out of the business?

His replY;

I have today cancelled the direct debit of xxx into the joint account and the xxxx from my account into the joint account. The business account is active and I give you my word I wont spend a penny - it will remain until we start to discuss. I have also cancelled your company debit card and your right to sign cheques.

My Reply:

What do you mean by this? Are you now saying that there is now nothing in the joint account to cover the mortgage and bills?

His Reply:

I am really sorry but I cannot give you another 6 months - we need to sit down and discuss things including the business and house etc etc. It has been nearly 8 months since I left home - if I leave it another 6 months who is to say you will be ready then
If the house goes for sale it may well take 12months to sell - it may not even sell at all and to wait another 6 months before we take any action is really silly. If the house is sorted in 18 months time you put your self near the point off having a 15/20 year mortgage which will be very expensive.

..................................................

It's a bit disjointed but thats the gist.

I have agreed to sit down with him tomorrow night. I have no choice he has stopped all money into the joint account which pays all the bills and the mortgage. He may be bluffing. What the h*ll.

[25yearsmlc]

agree to NOTHING without getting counsel to review it. That will NOT cost a fortune no matter how your h tries to argue that it will. Maybe you should NOT mention the fact that you're seeing a L and say you need at least a few days before deciding.
These are not simple matters and he is rushing things. Pressure from OW (?) and financial pressures (the money matters sound genuine but self centered).

As for trust, oh the irony. HE is making unilateral choices all around you, and letting you know after the fact. Yet he insists you are somehow stalling. Did he give you ANY heads up about these financial choices? If not, that isn't good faith.

Despite his not trusting you and admitting that, he is "giving you his word" about accounts/things and apparently you are supposed to accept without question. That's not fair. He expects trust FROM you, though he has violated it. Even if he justifies the A, which he'll do for at least awhile, how can he justify these unilateral choices and demand you trust him so much that NO lawyers be involved? Is he kidding? His behavior screams for a lawyer. Let him write something up if he wants but then YOU have a solicitor/lawyer read it carefully, revise it, etc. BEFORE you do anything else. Just talking with a lawyer doesn't mean you'll be "IN COURT FOR YEARS AND ALL THE DIRT WILL COME OUT AND THE LAWYERS WILL BE RICH AND WE'LL (well, I WILL) BE POOR .....!!!" That's a silly but common fear.

The questions I asked in my last email to you have been answered by his. I'd not mention anything specific (like the 6 months) because you lose in negotiations by being the first one to say a number. Or at least ask/demand for more than you expected.

SEE THE Solicitor NOW! Sign nothing without consultation with experts and a divorce lawyer may know a business lawyer to speak with as you have two very different sets of needs now.

having said all this, remember, none of this is truly irrevocable. Let him loose (with your kids' interests and your interests first, of course) and find the "freedom" he seems to want.

Interesting about the daughters. MANY men resent taking on the responsibilities of other men's kids, at least on this bb. Hmmmm. Don't know why, but I 've seen it a lot with WAH's. hugs!

(( j- ))

[Evie]

thanks 25yrs,

i was hoping you'd be around for advice. I kinda of get used to your 2 x4's but know you have me best interests at heart - lol.

Thanks for the advice. I'm sitting here now, sorting through my paperwork to take with me tomorrow. I don't plan to tell h i'm going. I'll ask him to jot down his proposals. If i have learnt anything in this process it's not too react to him or his anger. I'll listen to want he has to say and plan on telling him i need time to think. The only thing i'll agree to tomorrow is the selling of the house, it's the only way forward, I can't afford the bills, let alone half the mortgage.

I'm now of the opinion that he does need to be set free, we both do. I don't like a lot of what he has said in his emails, but i have no interest in getting wrapped up in his pettiness or resentments.

Thanks once again 25yrs/seek for your support.

x evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

He really seems to be flailing around. Maybe getting some legal agreements in place re: child support, maintenance, business will settle things down.
There might still be some unpleasantness over what the legal system says a "fair" division of assets and debts will be. It does cost more to maintain two homes than one and I think the court's goal is for the children to maintain their lifestyle at home. He may find that he has to pay in more than he expects and that his lifestyle will be cramped as a result.

I'm now of the opinion that he does need to be set free, we both do. I don't like a lot of what he has said in his emails, but i have no interest in getting wrapped up in his pettiness or resentments.

Good for you! - its tempting sometimes to challenge all of the BS, but much healthier to let it go. . . .

Good luck tomorrow.

[25yearsmlc]

Evie,

Do lots and lots of listening. Commit to nothing except that you have a lot to think about and that you now understand his need to "wrap things up" quickly,

b/c to HIM the separation was a prelude to divorce, and may therefore appear to him that you are "dragging" your feet, whereas for YOU, it was something else (NO GUILTING him on this, just an observation you make). Instead of Asking HIM for HIS understanding about this key piece of new info you're trying to figure out, tell him you need that time. HOWEVER, we all need information to make our life plans and NOW that you have it, you're moving on and then, get back to LISTENING to him. By this comment about moving on, you are telling him you will NOT be "dragging" things out, now that you know the truth. You can imply that if he had
simply told you earlier in the sep, you'd both be farther down the road from this mess....Stay CALM, CALM, CALM.

This is like a military operation in which you are gathering data, and gathering more, and making no specific commitment except enough to stop him from freaking. We call this "intelligence" gathering. Are you up for the mission?

Here are some "Back up ballistics" if he goes nuclear on you with threats of financial ruin, etc etc etc

"H, Is this constant pressure for financial decisions, some form of extortion? Meaning,are you going to keep on closing /changing accounts unilaterally AND without telling me?" And what about this insistence that it all be written down asap, but his additional insistence that no lawyers get involved and IF YOU keep "dragging" it on...what? He'll keep punishing you? if he pushes and pushes you for "a decision", or makes more legal/financial threats, throw it back at him. Financially speaking you've done nothing wrong. Stay "in the now" as much as possible, and avoid reference to the A, except as it relates to the "delayed reaction" of yours with you not moving on, blah blah blah.

Also, unless the evening is going very very very well, end it early but politely telling him you'll consider all that he has said and that you'll get back to him as soon as you can...good night.

(( j- ))