Ok, Puppy, help me then. It may be too late for me. At this point I'm really thinking I don't even want to take the chance and make the effort that it will take. Like I said before, I've looked at the other side, and to be honest, it looks pretty darn good.
If I do decide I want to give her a sliver of hope that I may reconsider and give her a chance, how and what should I say?
In my note to her earlier this week I told her I still loved her and hoped she would come to her senses soon although I thought it was too late for that already. In this note I tell her that she must know this isn't what I want but her continued lies and deceit make me unable to care anymore. Thing is, maybe she needs to feel that I have lost my love for her to get her to wake up. And I'm not using that as a ploy, I really don't feel a whole lot for her. Last night she hardly said a word to me. I said hi to her when I got home and she just looked at me. She talked to DS16 in language that I think was meant to be her way of talking to me also, but nothing was directed at me.
So I just say WTF? Did she really end contact with the a-hole on Monday and she's feeling the affects of NC? Do I give her some more time? I feel like more of my life is slipping away and I'm doing more harm to the kids by giving them hope that there's a chance and right now the ONLY chance she has is to agree to my boundaries and show some real remorse, but she's still in the blame it on Hope4us mode as I'm the one that has caused all this and I'm just not willing to take it anymore. I mean, she said to me Monday night when I suggested a Retro weekend to work on our communications skills that she'd look at the website but it would be a long time before she went anywhere alone with me. Does that sound like someone that accepts responsibility for her actions and actually wants to work on the marriage? I told her in my note Monday that if she would write the NC letter that we could take the gloves off, have no R talks for a while and just spend time getting more comfortable around each other, and when I asked her Tues if she read my note she said "I read it and that's all I'm going to say tonight". Does that sound like someone who get's it and is really interested in trying to make our marriage work?
Hope4us,
I'm going to tell you some hard truths that I want you to consider. Please don't shoot the messenger.
Your wife is, most likely, not ready to show remore. She may NEVER show any remorse; many wayward spouses never do. You're going to have to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you.
Right now, you are NOT her friend. She doesn't like you very much (the good news is, she may very well still LOVE you, even if she doesn't show it very well). In fact, as sick as it sounds, she probably RESENTS you, for RUINING HER AFFAIR! You took away her fun, her "drug." It will help you if you understand her reactions in that light.
If she has, in fact, ended all contact with the OM, your wife is going to go thru HARD WITHDRAWAL for 2-3 weeks. She will have some days that she is kind to you, and she will have many days that she is devilspawn straight from the pits of Hell. Don't take it personally; it's "script."
TOTAL withdrawal may take as much as six months. If she has any contact with OM, at any point during that time (even if it's NEGATIVE contact), her "clock" will, in all likelihood, reset to "0:00:00" and you'll have to start the process all over again.
You are probably 3-6 months away from getting your emotional needs met by her in any significant way.
You're BOTH going to have a LOT of healing to do. It will require professional help, preferably from a pro-marriage MC who is specifically trained in issues of infidelity.
In her current state, "good mood" = "BAD", as she has probably been in contact with him. "Bad mood" = "GOOD".
You need to decide if you're ready for this. If you're not, I completely understand. Your OWN feelings for your wife CAN come back, if she does the work. Don't take how you're feeling right now as your true indicator of your love for her.
IF you want to take her back (and it's certainly reasonable that she should have to meet the terms you've laid out), you DO have to give her more than a "sliver of hope." In fact, she very much needs to know that you have a PLAN.
