I am so sorry that you are going through all this.
I am sure you know, but will tell you anyway, that even if you did get a full time job he would find something else.
If you did that something else then it would be still another thing.
And so on.
Sounds like he still hasn't realized that external things cannot make him happy. He's still looking for that magic bullet.
Whether it be alcohol, OW, coming home, leaving again, filing for divorce, etc etc.
He's obviously still searching for something that will make him happy and he's looking outward for those answers rather than inward. He keeps hoping that SOMETHING will work.
How to get him to look inward? Well, if we had an answer to that then none of us would be here.
I think it takes some way longer than others to realize that all this "searching" is really fruitless. That all it is is masking the symptoms for a while only to have them come back stronger and quicker than before.
I guess some never figure it out.
I hope your H figures it out soon.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I am sorry that your sitch has gone backwards for the moment and that you are hurting. You have heard it before but it bears repeating THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU IT IS ABOUT HIM. The things he is claiming about you: probably not true, or exaggerated, or ancient history. This is about him and his crisis, and he as much as told you so when he said he didn't love or like anything.
I am so sorry you are hurting and distressed, but I am concerned that you are taking what he has said about you and the kids as truth, because it just isn't. Listen to D and read your own post, it just isn't true. He is manufactuing whatever story he needs to manufacture to justify whatever goofy action he has decided to take for now.
You have been the calmest person on this board and I know you can come through this setback.
I'll chime in with everyone else, THIS IS NOT YOU. He's bound to fault anything, everything. He's excusing himself to no end, victim to everyone. First he was a victim of OW, hated being there, wanted to come home, was miserable. Now, he's still not happy, so it's being placed on you.
Please be careful - that comment about "something happening that will hurt everyone" scares me. Just be safe and watch yourself when he drinks.
Also, keep an eye on the money. I say that only b/c he might go on a spending spree and I would hate to see you all hurting from that.
i think he was referring to leaving us again and/or divorce. also, the money. i do not have access to his checking account but he has enough credit that he could use up on whatever so there is no way to monitor the money.
the drinking--it is not as bad as it was when he told the kids and i about the affair but it seems to me he may be hitting rock bottom soon.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
BFM: I think you are very right on. He keeps looking but will never find it.
My salary is enough to pay "my" bills and some of the groceries but not all. My bills are actually the internet, health insurance, a store charge card for when i have bought the kids clothes/shoes, etc.
I was just in shock that he said he was searching for divorce lawyers.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Oh Steelers, I am so sorry. Just my opinion and I have no experiance of peicing but I would try and steer clear of in depth convo's for now. Remember talking D is a long way from actually doing it. Maybe you can look again at the money issues and see if you could at least look at finding more work or making cut backs-not easy I struggle daily with this one. Cling to the promises that God gave you and take care of you.
Call it having been burned once and not wanting to experience it again I guess, but I simply would not be comfortable depending on him for your financial well being. I do believe you got spoiled just a bit by the fact that he continued paying for things while he was gone.
SF, he is saying some scary stuff, at least scary to me the way you have related it. I believe he's got some significant emotional issues going on. Even his refusal for counseling is a danger sign of someone who could potentially be facing a serious mental health issue. The constant drinking doesn't help either. Put that together with general paranoia and this sense that he's being used by those around him, wow, you've got quite the pressure cooker going on inside your man.
Unless you honestly believe this is an aberration of some kind, I would be trying to figure out how I was going to convince him to get some help. I'm serious SF, his words and actions would scare the hell out of me.
You will need a full time job at some point. I think I'd be exploring options if I were you.
Trust kids.
You listen to what your daughter said. They're not afraid to speak the truth.
I wish you the best.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Steelers, From what you have posted, it seems to me that your H is depressed. Like another person said, the alcohol is making it worse. He does sound paranoid. OW might be taking advantage of him now and fueling his paranoia and depression.
Don't make excuses for him, e.g. that he won't go to counselling or seek help because it's just not in him, etc. If he's so well-versed in psychology, then he has all the more reason to work on himself... He should know the benefit of working on himself. He has made the choice not to. And the alcohol is certainly clouding his mental clarity of his situation and of himself.
Pray hard and if possible, "act as if" he's behaving the way you want him to - to give him positive vibes for him to respond to. Thinking of you...
