unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

OT, I feel like crap, wish I could leave work, I messed up, why did this get so ugly when this around last yr we were still a family??????????

I feel so bad, I want to cry so hard, I want to go back in time and...

He actually was being half decent these past weeks, talking about getting along for the kids sakes, now he views me as the b*tch from hell, I did give him fodder, I know I prompted his comments of "I want as little to do with u as possible" "stay out of my life" but he never uttered those things before, he'd talk fine w/me when he came over (ok, too well, it unsettled me how he could be so casual as if nothing were wrong.)

I have realized I will miss seing his name coming up on my email (we txted through email since I took off that feature on my phone), that in the back of my mind that meant something, that at least we could have that. He used to have some guilt, at the very beginning he was very solicitous around the home, then it cooled down. Then he'd try to make sure to let me believe he wasnt' with ow so I wouldn't be mad and try to mess him up on the SA, I see that now. The TM meant for ow (they had to be) were telling her about our latest dissagreent and how I 'd have to get used to it, meaning, to them together, though ow apparently doesn't know he was denying an R with her.

I lowered myself to a bickering bitter person, he now prob doesnt feel bad at all at leaving our home/M. We had some kid interaction,someone said that what they missed most was a witness, someone to share things with, now and then we'd comment about something funny/silly d5 did, i'm sure those interactions will be gone too. I did not want to be his enemy either, but, that's how he views me now.
Shoot me now.