We are on a downward spiral

[Bagheera]

Greetings Near,

Reading your story is painful for me because I've been there too, and not all that long ago. In my case, I started sleeping on the sofa-bed in my home office and turned the office into my bedroom, leaving my wife to the master bedroom. The result? While I was less sexually frustrated (by not having to lie next to someone whom I desperately wanted to touch, but whom I knew would not respond to me), the move made the distance between the two of us that much greater, and that much more difficult to bridge later on. So there was a plus and a stronger minus to it. Now, it may be that such a move reduces the sexual tension between the two of you enough to allow you to focus on rebuilding your friendship and emotional connection -- which it sounds like you truly need to do. Or, it may be that such a move is seen by your wife as a rejection of her and a withdrawal from the relationship in general. You'll need to decide whether a move to the basement will help your situation more that it hurts it, or not.

I strongly applaud the questions and advice that DanceQueen has given you so far. I know that it feels like you were 'duped,' but this is really not the case, as Michelle's SSM book explains. Seconding DanceQueen's motion, I would strongly recommend that you find a certified couples/marriage counselor who is also a certified sex therapist (see the AASECT website for a directory). Yes, going to counseling can be painful, but your wife needs to understand that not fixing your marriage will be even more painful, in the end, and that you are unwilling to live with the status quo any longer.

There are many, many marriages, like yours and mine, who get 'stung' by the binary nature of sex in our religious communities: it's supposed to be completely suppressed and "OFF" (including masturbation) prior to marriage, and then magically and wonderfully turned "ON" after marriage. Partners who obey the precepts end up not knowing even themselves sexually by the time of their wedding night, much less a member of the opposite sex. Your partner's libido also becomes a "surprise package" to open upon marriage (it may even be a surprise to them...): sometimes it's a good match, but often it's not. It's no wonder that many devout couples have trouble navigating these formerly forbidden waters, so you are certainly not alone there.

I have a couple of suggestions for reading material which may help.

First, and you may have already done this, I would find a good book on sexual techniques (or two) and go through them thoroughly -- there are several out there which are sensitive and non-pornographic in nature. This recommendation is not meant as a insult to you, but is based on the fact that most men do not naturally know how to please a woman sexually, and many women do not realize that they need to teach their man how it's done. You're just "supposed to know," right? Many devout women don't even know themselves, since self-exploration is verboten.

Second, and assuming that you two are practicing Christians, I would recommend that you and your wife read The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women, by Gary and Barbara Rosberg, which dove-tails pretty nicely with The Sex-Starved Marriage and presents the topic from the perspective of a pair of well-known Christian counselors. I was rather skeptical when I first picked this one up, but was pleasantly surprised at how well the topic is treated. If you can get your wife to read it, it may help to turn her "men are just sexual perverts" attitude around.

Best of luck to you, and know that you have friends here.

Bagheera