I think we are in a rut

[MichelleLT]

I think it is impossible to rebuild the relationship until the WAS comes clean about everything - if they can't be safe to discuss that stuff with you, then you're building the new R on a bad foundation IMHO. They won't ever feel safe to discuss it if they can't trust you, and yes, I think you did answer your own question - it is a breach of trust. And I understand why you do it, you don't feel you can trust him and he is not giving you the transparency you need to feel like he is trying to earn it back.

You can't make him do it though. I think it is also a control issue - that you feel a need to verify things so you KNOW the truth. But the truth is not so simple, ex-OW is posting a biased version, just as your H has given you a biased version, and you have no control over either of them.

So, what good does snooping do? Often, it makes you feel worse! It is a breach of trust, and it is a futile effort to control the stitch and the information surrounding it.

Just my 0.002 but it seems like 3 good reasons not to do it.