I cannot even imagine how tough this time is. I hope your H's illness is nothing serious.
I've followed your thread for the last few months, but I don't know specifics of your kids/job sitch. I know you have a part time job, but is there any other work you could do from your home that could bring in some income?
I'm just guessing here, but does your H really want you to take a ful time job? Or would he find fault there for you being too overworked and tired to take care of him and the house? For you being gone too much?
Maybe if you could show him in other ways (other than getting a full time job) that you take his concerns seriously and are doing what you can to help without disrupting the flow of family life too much, he would respect that.
I know if/when my D goes through I will have to go back to work full time, but for now I've been trying to brainstorm a few things for myself to supplement what H is giving me---I'm going to look into what it would take to be a medical transcriptionist since all I would need for that is a computer. Or what about typing up research papers for local students? Do you have a college degree or knowledge in a certain area so that you could do some tutoring? That can pay really well. What about substitute teaching? I don't know what your hours are with your part time job, but substitutes can often work as much or as little as they want, and you'd still be on the same time schedule as your kids.
As for the kids, how old are they? Maybe sit down with them and decide who is going to be responsible for which chores, what the rewards will be, and what the consequences will be. I've tried something like this with my kids. Doesn't always work, but it helps. If S9 doesn't do a chore, he loses a privilege or has to do extra work on something else. D14 is a clothes hound, and if she doesn't do her chores, she either has to bring me some of her favorite articles of clothing (I choose what!) and has to do extra work to win them back, or sometimes I make her pay me back part of her allowance. Oooh. Either of those techniques gets her where it hurts.
Anway, sorry if none of this is helpful to you or if I've overstepped bounds. I just hate to see you hurting and wish there was something I could do.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
SF sorry for your problems I too am following your situation after all they have been through they still dont realize it is them that have to look at themselves keep praying you are doing amazingly well and we appreciate your insights it is very helpful for us to know the possibilities of a return will be so difficult hopefully your H will become aware of the fact that he needs to change too so as hard as it was before, this is a step harder you will figure it out, what you need to do and hopefully god will speak louder to your H Is he alcoholic? Is the drinking worse now than before he left? Do you know anyone In AA? Is that a possibility? peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
The drinking was far worse just before the bomb in August '05 thru June '06 when he left. It is not as bad now at all. He can stop cold turkey if he wanted but that would force him to face the demons head-on,and right now, he would rather self-medicate as he claims to be under so much stress. I can understand that.
As for my kids and chores. They are old enough to do many things. Getting them to do it is a different story.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
How long did he stop for when he was seeing the probationer? was he ok with the no drinking then and was his depression better or worse. I guess whatever the answer doesn,t help much now tho. You know him best and we know you won't do anything to jepodize his returning home But take care of you as well stress is not good and put that with unco operative teens and a "difficult " H -just take care of you and leave H. I guess no one can help til he wants it.
He stopped drinking for one year. Was he depressed when he was not drinking? Not so sure as he was not living at home but I would venture to say he may have been.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
SF, the drinking aside, was your Hs behaviour the same before the original bomb or is this me me me attitude a product of his MLC? I'm asking b/c if he was like this before he has clearly thought in his own mind that he could come back as if nothing has happened and nothing has changed. If however it is part of his MLC then it is a residuary symptom and like all illnesses it will take time to 'heal'. If anyone can do this you can. Take care
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hope todays going better. Wouldn,t you need 2nd car to get to and from work and dentist appointments-gosh you seem to have an awlful lot of those. How is H and lump can you actually feel it or do you think it is maybe stress related anxiety pains. I had a chest pains and dificulty swallowing in the early days but they didn,t find anything and it went-however I did get stomach ulcers-poor diet and stress I guess. There have been huge leaps in mental health issues so praphs H may not know it all now given it was many years ago when he did a course. But getting him to see that may not be possible. Interesting points ACJ made I think sometimes we expect them to come back and be as they were long before the bomb ie early days of marriage and if the real him was dissatisfied in general before it is not going to be easy to change -but not impossible. This is real early days I guess in the returning home and its already been longer than the last time right.So thats good-isn't it. I guess you just do what you are instictively doing and pray for better days. You are happy he is home and feel you can't set boundaries so I guess its day by day month by month year by year! Hope you get some joy in your life this week-end.
lastnight, we were very intimate, told me more than once that he loved me that he was glad i was here, etc.
after that, he said his head spins 24/7, that he entertains all sorts of thoughts and said that he looked up DIVORCE lawyers. i asked why and he said because if he took some action, maybe God would steer him in the right direction.
i began to get very upset and he said he does not love anyone, does not like his job, does not like being home, that we take advantage of him, that i should be working full time as i do not help him out in any way whatsoever financially.
then this morning, intimate again followed by something is going to happen that is very bad and i asked to whom and he said everyone and it will hurt people. said that he thought he was doing the right thing by coming home but no, it is too hard, we take advantage of him, the kids are doing their own thing, that i am a manipulator and when i asked him to give examples of my being manipulative, he cited examples of two years ago!
i had to explain that i had to go thru changes since then and asked if he could give me a more recent example and he said that whenever he would pay for a car repair, i would leave him a voicemail saying thank you and how could i repay him for all he has done. he took that as a sexual gesture which was the furthest thing from my mind and i told him but he does not believe me and accused me of being manipulative.
he still talks to OW from what phone, who knows and she wants him back very badly and he still has feelings for her and said it was NOT an affair but a relationship that was built on talking, having things in common and that they fell in love.
he will not seek help because he knows what the professionals will say, he cannot talk to me really because he will hurt me. he, the one who claims to be a Christian, referred to God as a sadist because God is not helping him and instead he feels much worse since moving home. I asked him how we make him feel worse and he said everyone does their own thing, that he cannot stand to see us take advantage of him financially.
I was so torn apart that I was a mess when I took D16 to school. She said he has made things much worse because all he does is drink and accuse everyone of being lazy, and she says he is confused because what he thinks is real with her really is not.
I am more of a mess today then I have been in a long, long time.
Imagine, he is telling me he may divorce me. I asked him where he would go and he said he has no place to go and I am sure he would go right back to OW.
When I begin to show emotion, he gets very angry with me and says this is my way of manipulating him. Nothing could be further than the truth!
I am so hurt and torn. I asked him what he would like for me to do and he said basically to get a full time job. I am so mentally exhausted right now.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
SF, the drinking aside, was your Hs behaviour the same before the original bomb or is this me me me attitude a product of his MLC? I'm asking b/c if he was like this before he has clearly thought in his own mind that he could come back as if nothing has happened and nothing has changed. If however it is part of his MLC then it is a residuary symptom and like all illnesses it will take time to 'heal'. If anyone can do this you can. Take care
Not really, no but now he says I have always been one to turn the tables to make things look better for me, manipulate......sometimes I wonder if OW is planting thoughts in his mind again.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
