Supermom and the Brighter Tomorrow

[JennyF]

Well H came over yesterday to pack up some of his stuff. I got a little emotional at one point, but I looked at S and through my tears he was just beaming back at me and laughing. That put a smile on my face and reminded me to stay present.

We discussed custody and it would seem that he is finally agreeing to do this all gradually with the kids. I'm still not budging on the second overnight during the week with D, but I told him we could relook at it at the end of May and see how D is doing.
Now I have to do some soul searching and find out why I am so opposed to this second overnight during the week. I can see the negatives and positives for D...so I have to figure out if I'm opposed to it more for my own reasons. Which is entirely possible given the circumstances...but definitely not the way I want to make decisions. It is about my children and what is best for them...and I believe that having their Dad in their lives is so important. At least I've bought myself more time to get that figured out.
S will have his first overnight with H on April 18th. Then he will have him for Fri & Sat overnight every other weekend starting May 16th. I feel ok about this. It will give me a chance to get his feedings straightened out and I plan to breastfeed until about the end of May. I do not want to continue to breastfeed strictly for custody purposes...those are the wrong reasons. And I'm ok with weaning over the next month and half. S is almost six months now so I feel good about it.

I'm feeling good. Oddly good actually. I'm working through my emotions over the lack of time with my kids which I feel is my biggest obstacle right now. But staying in the moment is what is helping me. If I stay with right now then I'm able to either enjoy the time I am spending with them, or when they're with H I am staying focused to enjoy my 'me' time.
I can't explain how good it feels to be at this place. I still have my moments and I still feel quite vulnerable at times, especially with all of the crazy important decisions I have to make like selling the house and all that stuff. But I'm actually getting excited about a fresh start too. My real estate agent has started sending me listings so that's kind of fun.

Well that's my update!
I have to jump in the shower before S wakes up from his nap!!
J~