Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[Grace_O]

They ask a lot of questions about everything and they will certainly grill us about why daddy can't stay here, etc.

Perhaps these are questions he should answer since you may not know the answer to them.

Also, I think it would only feed their hopes that we'd get back together--which is what all kids want.

Why would their hope be a bad thing?

[newnamenewlife]

Why would their hope be a bad thing?

I guess because it would be hard to know what to say. Do you say maybe dad and I will reunite? Everything I read says to make it clear to the kids that this is a permanent decision.

I was feeling so good and PMAish and then I was hit with panic when I started to think about how H&I have the classic male/female division of labor. I'm not handy with tools. I am clueless about cars. It's all so overwhelming to ponder. I am not so good at rallying my PMA at the moment. I feel shell-shocked.

We moved our MC appt until tomorrow (was going to be on Wed, but H had a meeting). I am feeling nauseous at the thought of having to talk about S plans.

[newnamenewlife]

I'm meeting H at MC in an hour, to discuss S plans. I am feeling sick and panicky and like maybe I should just not show up (that would be a 180!).

This morning H&I drove the girls to school and he and I were joking back and forth. I know joking together does not make a M, but it does point to chemistry that I know we still have. Very hard to think we will lose that too. H says he wants to stay friends--but what does that really mean? Does he think we're going to hang out together and go to movies as friends? I can't picture that!

Anyway, I know I have to go to the MC and face this. I am going to try to suppress all anger and accusations, but I feel so awful and sick inside.

[Grace_O]

((((lmg))))

Good luck at the MC. Just remember to breathe. Everything doesn't have t be decided this minute (regardless of what he wants). These decisions have to be fluid and open to change for not only the best interests of the kids, but for you too.

As far as telling the kids it's permanent, I'd leave it to him to say what he has to. I've never said anything either way to our D's (permanent vs. temporary).

Let us know how it went.

[Nature Girl]

good luck lmg!

Grace, do your Ds ask you about permanent v. temp.?

[newnamenewlife]

Well, we went. We talked about some scenarios, yet I STILL cannot really accept this. I ended up going back to trying to make sense of his total unwillingness to think of anything except S. I cried.

He said I should think of it in terms of him not being the right person for me anymore. In fact, if he's going to be as cold and removed and weird, he's not. Later, I alluded to the exhausting prospect of dating again and he said: "You'll have no trouble. You're beautiful, smart and funny. Men will be all over you."

Now that made me ILL--to think he is so over me that the thought of me with another man is just fine with him???

Anyway, we agreed that he would stay in the house until we renovated the 3rd floor to make it rentable. That is not a huge project, but it's a big deal because we just renovated so we could take over the third floor and give the kids their own rooms.

It's very hard for me to think of taking action on any of this because it feels so overwhelming. Should I get the ball rolling on renovating, or leave it to him?

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[cw68]

Get the ball rolling. Take a little bit of control and give yourself a project to distract your mind. This is win/win. If/when he does leave, you'll want the income that can produce. He'll also see you taking him seriously and not dismissing his concerns.

This is going to sound like a broken record, but it's good advice: I think right now you need to work on yourself. Really reflect on yourself, make yourself a better person. Pay attention to your family. Detach. It's hard, but it's really the best move. Find some 180s for yourself. For instance, my H complained I was a poor housekeeper. (Jerk!) I'm not a poor housekeeper, but I'm by no means Martha Stewart. So I started making the bed everyday, picking up a little more and actually doing more little things that make a big visual difference. You know what? H didn't expect it, I don't find it to be that big of a deal and my house is actually easier to take care of. It's a positive 180 regardless of how we feel about each other. Go find some things like this.

Basically, you can't change the situation right now, but you can make baby steps for yourself and these babysteps can be great for your relationship.

[newnamenewlife]

I lie awake at night trying to think of 180s. I feel like I've used them up since I stopped saying ILY, stopped calling and pursuing H and become much more patient and calm with my kids. H complained that I let them push my buttons too easily and he was right. In fact, he did comment on how I'm more relaxed with the kids--but he implied that I'm like that because he's on his way out of our R or something.

Anyway, you're right. It's just hard to really take the reins as far as initiating the renovation that will allow him to move out and not sure I should. He also wants me to speak with a collaborative lawyer and is urging me to call one. I am resisting that too.