God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

I did more than screw up...I most likely sealed the deal and gave my H every reason in the world to finally end this thing and go file for divorce...

no exuses, no explanation other than I guess I am just not tough enough to keep my mouth shut and be still. I was raised to stand up and fight for what is right and good. Never to back down and let it happened. Wrong? Yea, alot of times. And for the most part I have over the years been able to overcome alot of that. But in my core, it is who I am.

I've told you all I CAN NOT deal with my H wh*ring around with another woman! It's not in me to pretend it's not happening. I have done it for a year. It's wrong. It's disrespectful to me and my girls.

Last night after work I drove by a dark parking lot a few blocks from my H's. And lo and behold there sat OW's car. So she was at his place, staying the night. I had every intention of going home. It's what I should have done, I know that. But once again I didn't do what was right. I went to his place. It was time for her and I to have this out. Time for her to defend herself like I have been doing for 12 months. This woman KNOWS my family. She knows that he is/was NOT D. She knows that we tried for 6 years to have our D16 and lost 3 children. She knows that we adopted our N14 just a few years ago. She is 43 years old and knows right from wrong. And yet she chose to break up our family. She has chosen to continue to see my H knowing what it was doing to all of us. She is afraid of me and yet continues to see him. She knows he hasn't filed and yet continues to see him. She knows I am at my wits end and yet continues to see him. SO...

I get him to come to the door. I told him I want to talk to her. It's not about him anymore. I really don't care what he does anymore. It's about fighting for all that this woman has done to what was mine. I told him it ain't anything different than what he would do if the shoes were on the other feet. That I meant what I said the last time. That I am done letting people hurt me and take all that is good in my life. That she is a grown woman and SHE needs to stand up for herself and face what she has done.

It all went soooo wrong...I tried to get in his house. Of course she stayed hidden.

A little history...My H grew up in an abusive household. He is a fighter. He boxed when he was young. And many bar fights or whatever.Over the years of our M. He has been abusive to me on occasion. Only when he's drunk and not very often. Never punched me or kicked me. Never left a mark. Just would lose his cool and slap me around or push me, whatever. Over the years it diminished. I have never fought back as it would have made it worse. When my D16 was 4 he really lost it one night. At that point I told him I had broad shoulders and could take his sh*t but WOULD NOT put my D16 through what him and I went through growing up. After that I don't think he touched me more than twine. She is now 16. (I am not making exuses for him, I just don't want you to think it was worse than it was).

Anyway...Last night H lost his "cool". He kicked the crap out of me to protect his wh*re!. Worse than he ever had before. I take full responsibilty for my part. If I would have just left and came home none of it would have happened. He hit me. He kicked me. He pulled my hair. He threw me down. He tried to throw me over his deck railing. (the deck sits on the ground). But for once in our years together. I fought back. I told him he didn't scare me anymore. That it didn't matter anymore what he did to me. That he can't hurt me anymore. That I wasn't going to let him do this to me anymore for ANY reason. I don't think I hit him but I did kick him in the n*ts a couple of times.

I have stood by this man for 24 years. Took all his sh*t. All of his family's sh*t. And trust me...there has been ALOT of it. I supported him. Made my life around his. Took care of him and his family. And for the last year I have done everything he has asked of me. I have given him the time to go figure out what he wants. I have tried to pretend that this wh*re meant nothing.

And last night he defended the very person that has ruined our lives. He kicked the [censored] out of the best thing that ever happened to him in order to do that. While she lay in his bed. There is something very wrong with this sitch. Something very wrong with my H. How could he do that? Do I mean that little to him after ALL these years? All that we have been through?

I finally walked away knowing that I finally have ended this thing. And after all that I have done. I lose. None of it has mattered. My M IS over and that WH*RE wins. That my H has made his choice. That to this day he hates me for whatever reason and I just gave him more reason. BUT I finally have stood FOR ME!!!

This morning on his way to work he calls...I didn't answer...he calls again...I answered but said nothing. He said. "I am sorry for what I did to you last night. It should have never happened. There is no exuse. It was wrong. What I am doing is wrong. I know that sorry doesn't take it back or change it but I am sorry. That is why I just sat there last night and said nothing. I felt so bad and couldn't look at you or say anything. I am sorry. And I took Lynn to her car and told her that it won't happen again. I told her I was done seeing her till I got a D or whatever happens. We are done. You were right it is wrong. And I am sorry."

I just listened...I told him I am sorry too, I should have never have come there and then should have just went home. "he said no, not your fault". I told him again, that it wasn't about him. It is between her and I. He apologized again.

That was it. I just said thank you for that and hung up.

So thank you all for your support. All of your advice. All of your caring words. I guess I just wasn't cut out to do this DB thing. I tried, I really really tried. But I couldn't do it. I valued all that you have tried to do to help me save my M. But I think that it has been really over from the beginning. It just that neither my H or me could stand up and do the right thing. It has just went from bad to worse over the months and now it is over.

Good luck to all of you in your sitches. I pray for you all that you get what you are working for. Your good people and none of us deserve what we are going through. It is really sad how M's don't last anymore.

TOH