I was just thinking that if I start getting stupid in my thread posts, DanceQueen knows where I work (she used to work on the same short street) and knows there is a Home Depot and a Lowes very close by that sell 2x4's!
Just wanted to applaud you on how well you are handling all of this. I hope I can get to a more even keel one of these days. I am improving but still let H control my emotions a lot of the time. Good to see you are keeping it all in perspective while still hoping/wanting to restore the M if at all possible.
When I worked out there, the Lowe's wasn't even there yet, Kerry.
It has been a few (several) years ago. LOL!
I also used to work in the building that is now Leif's Auto Repair, BTW.
Kerry, you seem to be doing GREAT! I know you are still in such sadness and you have a long road ahead of you (because if you go to D - it just gets sadder and harder every day). I just want you to be prepared, you are going to have to continue to be stronger than you ever thought you could be. Please keep in contact with all the people you need to support you and take good care of yourself.
I wanted to suggest that you begin to stop calling or taking calls from the W's friends and relatives. If you begin to pull back some of that contact now it will be easier later, just trust me. You must lean on only people who can *truly* support you...and the others who also have W's ear, well, you can still talk to them but just don't seek them out for the time being. It will actually help you to continue distancing yourself from her.
I think you are going on w/ this just fine, but I do agree w/ JM that when you are done, you will be done. I just suggested the time apart to give you a chance as well to see if this is really what you want to do - reconnect or move forward. You are conflicted right now so time is your friend.
I also think JM was right on w/ saying to be careful about moving to her too quickly. I really agree that you set the parameters and she has to live w/ them. Again, I like what you are doing and I really love your attitude and outlook. It is honest, sincere, and positive. If you keep going in this direction, you will be fine. I know you already know this b/c you said it yourself.
As for the Grand Canyon, it is amazing. I would recommend seeing it if you have the opportunity. From Utah, you may want to go to the North Rim (I've never been to the North Rim), but honestly, it is majestic from where ever you view it. It is amazing to see the colors and there are trails where you can safely hike a little way down w/ your kids and get a feel for how deep the thing is. If you decide to hit the canyon, let me know and I'll give you some more info. and insight.
Thanks DQ. I really cant see it getting sadder and harder emotionally if we end in a D. She has been out of the house since around Thanksgiving and we have been on a parenting plan for a while. About the only thing that will change is that she will finally get her things out of my house and I will suffer some financially for a few years. I think my sadness (and my kids sadness) is not so bad as it was.
I probably should be cautious with talking to W's friends. One thing W mentioned to me yesterday was gotten from her friend - it was that I did not feel comfortable using the mediator.
As this has been going along lately, I find that I need to talk to less and less people. Actually, in a weird way, I am kind of glad this has happened. I find learning about the dynamics of relationships to be very interesting. Prior to this, I just kind of assumed that a marriage could go along on auto pilot. I now see that for it to succeed long term, there needs to be continual effort to keep the love alive.
BTW... Did you know there is a commuter rail going in between Wilsonville and Beaverton? The Portland area is just crazy for mass transit. I wonder if it will cut down on traffic. It wont bother me much as I only live about 2 miles from where I work. My wife also works about a block from me up by where you get on 217 off of 72nd. Everything is so convenient.
I do get conflicting recommendations from my coworkers and family. They think it is time for me to move on with the D. They say that she does not deserve me and I know they are correct. They also believe that I will find a really good wife in my future. I do know that I can find a really nice gal that is more compatible with me, but yet there is still a part of me that wants to make my marriage work.
Giving up and getting a D is the easy way out. That is why the divorce rate is so high - to many people dont try to do the hard work. But there comes a time when you just have to say enough. I am certain that soon, W and I will decide that time has come.
My L says that it is best to continue the way we are until about June. That way, the parenting plan has been in effect for a good amount of time, and if W were to try to go for full custody, she could not get it. My biggest fear of all when W first mentioned getting a D was only seeing my kids every other weekend. As it stands now at 50%, I am still not satisfied (as is my wife) because I want to be around my kids all the time as they are growing up. At least we both are in agreement to what is best for our kids - equal time with a mother and a father.
As for myself, I try to figure out how I will ever regain my trust in her. It may be that I would drive W crazy always asking where she is going and who she has talked to. She at least does acknowlege that she would need to stop all contact with OM. She even told the kids that if she came back that they would not see OM again. How much I can believe of that is unknown.
Originally Posted By: RefuseToLose
As for the Grand Canyon, it is amazing.
The kids afterschool teacher said that it was nice for about 20 minutes and then each place they would stop just looked the same. She said that Zion and Bryce Canyon were the highlight of her trip. I will let the kids see it all (including Arches NP and Canyon Land NP) and let them decide which is best.
Didn't your grow up in Seattle or did you go to school there? What city's teams do you root for?
Kerry, You certainly have one of the best attitudes here considering what you are going thru'. But as the D process advances there are lower points to come, I've been there tho' I think you will do better than me since you are anticipating most of it. Have you talked about MC with W? I think you should be asking for "primary custody" and no alimony given what has gone on with OM.
I would like to take my kids to the Grand Canyon too in Summer finances permitting. I've started to look at Summer camps for them because I have to work while they are off from school and I have no family around to babysit.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I know it seems that you have been through the worst parts of it, and in many ways, you have. I just want you to know in advance though, that the divorce process is long and ugly and it rips you apart in new ways....just BE PREPARED by knowing its going to really really stink. People get blindsided by it all the time because they think they are "ready" to get out of this marriage and yada yada, so therefore the divorce process should actually be a sort of relief...
But as I tried to convey in my first introduction post, it is NOT a relief. It stinks even worse than you can imagine. So the best thing you can do for yourself is be prepared for that fact.
That's all you can do...but it will help immensely.
When I signed my divorce paperwork with my ex-husband present, before this happened I thought "well, it will be hard but he and I are mature enough to at least be nice to each other, and I'm sure we may cry a little but will be able to give each other a little hug at the end at least".
CHYUH! NOT.
He literally did not make eye contact with me during the signing, and afterward he coldly told me I was a piece of dirt in his eyes, no hug or even a handshake, good-bye 17 years and the implication that it was all my fault, and then he raced out the door and bought himself a new car with money he had been hiding from our marital assets. Meanwhile, I was a heap of crying mess for the next 48 hours.
That was just ONE of the high-lights of the process!
So Kerry - just KNOW that if it comes to that, there will be sad surprises in store for you. BUT...eventually it gets better.
Hi Kerry, I've been lurking on your sitch for a while now. You definitely seem to be in a good frame of mind and I hope you continue to keep everything in perspective.
Regarding Utah/Grand Canyon, one year I went west (I was living in Chicago at the time) and went to Zion Nat'l Park and then Bryce Canyon, camping at both. Zion was awesome. Hanging out by the river, walking around, aahh. But Bryce was the most beautiful place I've ever been in my life and I've been to a lot of beautiful places. It is simply gorgeous. The colors, the formations, the views, it's mind blowing. Then after Bryce my friend and I drove to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. You can camp off the road anywhere as long as you are a certain distance from the road and that you pack out. We looked at this big huge cool hole in the ground, snapped some pictures, looked at each other and said, "Back to Zion!" and we drove back to Zion that day.
If you do go to Zion, the town just outside of Zion is Virgin. If you turn by the post office to go North (or NW) you can drive up to this alpine lake, Kolob Reservoir. There was still some snow in July and the wildflowers surrounding the lake were amazing.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
You have made me so excited. I love just being able to pull off anywhere and setup camp. My kids have only ever camped in campgrounds before and I am sure they are in for a trip they will always remember.
