Minkerman: Neutral is the new Forward!

[Broken Tree]

Mink,

I wish I could get there on detachment. W is in my every thought, not what is she doing but just what will become of it all.

I often think if i would be ready to date and the answer is definatly no. I can't see how my wife is so ready to date or is already. My mind would not be there and it would be so unfair to her and I. Yet I would like to have a female friend to hang out with, go to the movies, ski together maybe a little golf. I miss havong a female companion. Normal thinking?

Tree

[minkerman]

Tree,

My friend, I sometimes wonder what you are hanging on to; why you continue to pine for Sally, when you are getting less than zero in return, and absolutely no signs that things are changing. No baby steps, no affection, no nice comments or compliments. Just selfishness and meanness.

In another post, you mention that you only care about W and your kids - not yourself. Well, you have it wrong. You need to care about your kids and yourself...at least you have some control of the outcome. You need to be healthy, physically, mentally and emotionally, because the absolute reality is that she may never return to the marriage. You need to be ready to move on if that's the case, and stop waiting by the door for her to suddenly "wake up".

Your wife is going to do what she is going to do, whether you worry about it or not. So, choose not to worry about it. Sounds easy, and it's not...but that is where you have to get to.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to pull yourself out of this pit of despair, Treeman.

[minkerman]

Journaling:

Today is Wednesday. I haven't seen her since Saturday. Tomorrow evening, W and I are going to a yacht club meeting together, then I am sleeping over so we can leave for a 3-day trip to Seattle from her place.

I have gone a little dim; since I have gotten my head around detaching, I don't feel the need to contact her that much. The few emails we have shared have been nice, she has been quite a bit more verbose in what she writes to me. Example. I had another band audition last night.

She sent me:
I'M CHEERING FOR YOU TONITE!! Let me know how it goes!!!

My response:
Thanks for cheering for me! I have a good feeling about this one. Will let you know tomorrow, since I think I’ll be finished late (15 songs on the agenda).

This morning, from me:
Good morning W,
Audition went really well, as I said, I have a good feeling. Ears are still ringing, had my amp turned up to 10 the whole night and forgot my earplugs.
Hope you have an awesome day…the sun is peeking out.

Her response, 5 minutes later:
Good morning MM,
Very nice. Fingers crossed for you.
Enjoy your day too!
W

A couple of weeks ago, it was all one or two word emails, no emotion at all.

I hope the weekend goes OK, at least neutral. Although I suspect that both of us are sort of wondering what it'll be like to spend 3 whole days together for the first time in 4 months.

I am willing to take her back, I think she knows it, but I have stopped talking about it.

As my post title says - I'm nervous.

[cw68]

Have you thought about NOT spending the night before your trip together? That's another night. I also think it will make her anticipate the trip, and seeing you, more.

[minkerman]

Yeah, I did, but the meeting is 10 minutes from her place...it means a 20 mile drive back home for me after the meeting, then another 20 miles back in the morning, then a 2.5 hour drive to Seattle.

It is so darn practical to stay at her place, that she would be suspicious if I opted out.

[cw68]

Yep. Makes sense then. Would it be suspicious if you had plans after the meeting before you went to "her" place?

[C_K]

MM

Stick to the plan , I dont think any changes at this stage would be helpfull.

Just keep the weekend as low pressure as you can , keep it fun , lead the way with activities , let her lead the way in other aspects if she wants to.

Good luck

[cw68]

Good point re: changes this late in the game. Have a great time with your girlfriend whom you're not pushing and just enjoying the time with.

[minkerman]

Thanks you guys. It all starts tomorrow at 4:30pm, when I pick her up in our "usual spot".

You're right CW - I will be so cool this weekend, just enjoying her company and not pushing for any type of outcome.

I don't think there is anything that I can do to affect the outcome positively at this point anyway...it's all a process that she has to go through.

I don't think it's about me right now.....

[cw68]

You can affect things positively and that's by reading her and knowing what not to do, by doing what works. You know what that is!