This is my first time posting on this wonderful site. I have been married for 13 ½ years. I found out that W had an affair about 9 years ago.
At the time of the affair we were having trouble in our marriage. Lack of communication, bitter feelings, and almost falling out of love. Also at the time I was into internet pornography. My W found out. For about a week we didn't really say much to each other. Then one night she asked me for a separation. I said that I would go to my mothers’ house to stay. To make a long story short we were separated for about 2 weeks. I moved back in and started talking once again to my W.
Over the next 9 years we had our ups and downs. Also once again I fell into the internet porn. And of course she found out once again. This time was different. We sought help with this addition of mine and this was wonderful. Over the occurrences of this pornography addition she forgave me. Jump 4 years later, (7 weeks ago) we were talking and it was then she told me of her affair 9 years ago. To say the least I was blown out of the water.
Also at the time of the affair we were having our bathroom remodeled by our next door neighbor. He was a contractor by trade. Over the course of the remodeling he had various helpers. One of these helpers was the OM.
Everything that I have found out about him was second hand after the fact. But the OM kept meeting my W on her walks. He kept asking her to go to a motel room. W kept refusing. When she finally said yes it was at this very low spot in our marriage. As we talked about the affair I found out that the next day after the affair, was when W asked for the separation.
She has said that it was a one night thing. That it meant nothing. These past 7 weeks have been pure hell. I have a hard time with my emotions; this has brought it to a boiling over effect on me. I have had sleepless nights, loss of appetite, thoughts of revenge (Having an affair myself), divorce, and other range of emotions.
I know that me being into pornography didn’t help the situation, nor was it the full cause of the affair. Because, ultimately, it was her choice to have the affair. One of the main reasons I have to post my story is that I want to stay with my W. I love her. I know that I need to forgive. It is the hardest thing that I ever had to do in my life.
Over the past weeks we have talked a lot. I get frustrated with her for I feel that she is closed emotionally toward me. I don’t know if it is because she feels guilty, or that she doesn’t feel guilty.. I am in counseling, and we are going to marriage counseling together on Saturday the 12th.
My personality is such that I hid my emotions behind humor, sarcasm, and closed off emotions. For me to actually ask for help I know is a huge step. However I need support. All I can get.
Any advice to help my heart heal would be very welcome. If anyone has any questions for me to help heal I will not hesitate to answer them truthfully.
