Maybe there will come a time for you to give your H another chance, so maybe you should save that "one last chance" for when you know it's over w/ OW. This may take time, months, maybe years, but isn't it better that your H know the true value of that "one last chance"?
I know how hard this is, but maybe letting them go is truly the only way to get them back.
FA
Thank you FA, I needed to hear that. "one last chance" when I know it is truly over between them.
He has never felt like he has lost me.
What do I do? When do I tell him? How do I tell him? What do I say?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
He is trying to suck you in. Don't let him. He hasn't changed at all.
IMP
IMP! Help!! YOu were so right on, you always are...what was it I should tell him? Short and to the point. What is it I really need to look for to take him seriously?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I was asking the same thing earlier this week. Don't say anything to him, don't make a big scene or give some big speech. All you have to do is pull back and live your life and SHOW him that you are not interested in his drama, his games anymore.
When my H called to apologize for disappearing on D and me in one breath, and in the next tell me I deserved better but he just couldn't give me what I need, I told him that I don't think he knows what he wants, and I really hope some day he figures out what he wants. That is all I said. No big speech about what was going to happen or what I could or couldn't do or live with or whatever. They say actions speak louder than words, and I am letting my actions cry out to him that I am not playing the game anymore.
Yes, I am afraid that I will lose him forever, but that's the chance I have to take b/c I won't live this halfway life any longer. I'm not setting up conditions that he meet for us to try again. I'm not telling him to end it w/ OW. I'm not asking him for anything. I am simply letting go. We must communicate about D, as you must about your children, but that communication has to be independent of anything to do w/ our M.
As for a timeline, there is none for me. MLC can take years, and I know I will always love my H. When and if he figures it all out, I will know for sure, there will be no doubt in my mind, no fear of getting hurt again. That is what I'm saving his "one last chance for" b/c I don't want him to waste his either. But like a child who is too little to handle a china figurine, I won't give him that "one last chance" until I know he will respect it and value it.
In the meantime, I'm going to have a great summer this year. I'm going to do all those things I should have done last summer when instead I was obsessing over my H & OW. It's my turn to live a little. I told myself that I wouldn't make any big decisions until Sept. That way I'm giving myself and H some space for breathing, living, exploring ourselves and figuring out what we want. I haven't truly done that for myself, and I think it's a necessary part of healing and recovering from the damage of MLC.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
First, I stick by that item you quote. He hasn't changed a bit.
Being from NC, basketball is big. You have heard of the full-court press. That is what people do when they want to beat you. What he is doing isn't about love. It isn't about caring. It is about beating you down to get his own way.
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what was it I should tell him? Short and to the point.
The less, the better. The more you talk, the more ammo you give him and the more he has to use against you.
Here is what I think. Very simple.
Short and sweet always works. I suggests, "as things stands, I don't want you back." Notice how I said it. Don't not can't. Because the long and short of it from what I see here, you don't want the situation as it stands. And don't covers can't. And should he push (which he will), all you need to say is "actions speak louder than words and I have heard your BS words before."
kissak, as I have said before, he has a long way to go and sadly, he may never get there and to be honest, he has shown no actual attempt to get their. I mean seriously, after 6 weeks at a counselor. If you think he has changed, I have a bridge for you. It is all more of the same. He is perfectly content to hold two women hostage to his whims. He is a master manipulator. He manipulates you and he manipulates OW. When he is with one of you, he wants the other and has no problem saying so.
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What is it I really need to look for to take him seriously?
You tell me. But for starters, he cannot associate with OW. When I was in counseling way back, my C said and I remember this clearly, if there is ever going to be a reconciliation, your W can never be in contact with OM again. And as I said, that is for starters.
IMP - sure good to read your thoughts. One thing I gotta love abobut you -- you dont mince words- you say that which we often don't want to hear but what is so often best for us!!
Kissak --first my friend here is my biggest thought..you ready?
Your daughter - lets say she is hmm 18 and she has been madly in love with a guy and they have been dating for a good solid year- then he cheats. She takes him back and it continues for another year...lets even say 2....now she is 20...in the interum he has played around a little and she always takes him back BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM and BECAUSE HER LOVE IS TRUE AND PURE AND LOYAL...he goes back to her because she is "safe". WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO HER IF HE DID IT YET AGAIN AND THEN SAID....."I still love sally but i want you too???"
I sure hope you said that you would take that wonderful daughter of yours and have a good heart to heart with her. IF HE/and yes your H too REALLY want YOU my friend that YOU DESERVE TO BE COURTED AND CHASED after a bit. I am not talking about the typical dating stuff...I am saying that he needs to EARN the RIGHT to be in your bed again. THINK IT THROUGH.....YOU deserve it!! Do you love him? want to be with him? CRAVE to have him by you YES YES YES!! BUT MY FRIEND YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT!!
I am NOT saying to say never. I AM NOT!! I KNOW your heart- I know you love him. But IMP is right----HE NEEDS to get his head out of his very big A** HOLE and stop being an A** HOLE!! He needs to keep goign to C and he needs to keep working on himself so that he can come home some day!!!
Sorry - but i have watched your pain. YOU DESERVE TO BE TReATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT! NOT TO BE MANIPULATED!
It is all up to you - you know that!! Follow what you know to do..it is harder than giving in...respect yourself my friend...it doens't mean forever. IF HE WANTS YOU NOTHING WILL STOP HIM!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
But IMP is right----HE NEEDS to get his head out of his very big A** HOLE and stop being an A** HOLE!! He needs to keep goign to C and he needs to keep working on himself so that he can come home some day!!!
Actually, he doesn't need to do anything. I mean that kissak can't count on shi'ite from him.
I did good tonight, I probably said way more than you all think I should have, but H knows where I stand now. I told him that actions speak louder than words and that I wanted to give him a chance, but couldnt as long as the OW was in the pic. I told him that he hadnt changed and i was hearing the same stuff I have heard before. He still stands by the fact that he still loves and wants to be with the OW, but really doesnt know if it will work with them....
He called me tonight and I told him that it would probably be best if he didnt contact me for a while until he got his head on straight (or out of his a**). Well, guess what he said to that??
"I dont think that is such a good idea, I have a bad feeling about it"
oh, really I asked what is the problem with it...you seem confused again and I am tired of this merry go round you keep inviting me on and I am getting off. I told him that this was all about what HE wants and that he needed to take the time to figure it out...he still said he didnt want to do that...I told him to just go to bed and he would feel different tomorrow.
He is off his meds and it is really affecting him. I felt so good though taking control of things. I have no idea why he thought that wasnt a good idea. I really thought that is what he wanted...a free ticket to go back to her really.
He did bring up the fact that it wouldnt be fair to work on us when he still didnt know if it was over with the OW...I just told him that I told him that the last time and He knew that already, so for him to come back knowing different was really stupid on him part. He knew better.
Then again, maybe he didnt.
Cagz, I see what you are saying though about what I would tell my daughter...but I would probably see things a little different with a husband than with a boyfriend I guess...well, that is how I am looking at it anyway. It ticks me off that this OW has no morals to ask a married man or tell him that she wants him to be her boyfriend...he is a married man! You dont tell a married man that you want him to be your boyfriend!!....how middle school is that?
ugh...
Your right IMP....I cant count on anything from him right now, maybe never...who knows. I see him struggling though and I hate it....but I have to take care of me and my children....
He knows where I stand now....well he knows today, he may forget tomorrow....I really think he has a brain tumor and it is eating away at his memory and commen sense!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Sorry - but i have watched your pain. YOU DESERVE TO BE TReATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT! NOT TO BE MANIPULATED!
It is all up to you - you know that!! Follow what you know to do..it is harder than giving in...respect yourself my friend...it doens't mean forever. IF HE WANTS YOU NOTHING WILL STOP HIM!!
Yes! I do deserve respect and dignity!! It is all up to me and I took a stand tonight for as bad as I hated to say it...I told him not to call me for a while...but I felt good about doing it!
Thanks again cagz
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
you seem confused again and I am tired of this merry go round you keep inviting me on and I am getting off. I told him that this was all about what HE wants and that he needed to take the time to figure it out...he still said he didnt want to do that...I told him to just go to bed and he would feel different tomorrow.
You are so right about the time. It has always seems (And I have told you plenty of time) that he is so far from right, that this is a long-term recovery effort. You obviously recognize this when you said:
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I cant count on anything from him right now, maybe never...who knows.
And there in lies the key for you. There are just some things we don't need in this life. We don't need unstable people to pull us down. We can only change the things about ourselves which are destructive. We can't do it for others and we can't expect them to do it for themselves. That would be self-destructive.
