Your H is sure up to a lot of crazy making! Glad you realize you can't win with him and are doing what you want to do. Have you thought about getting a separation agreement? It doesn't sound as if your H is going to be willing to take care of his responsibilities if you do separate. I'm bring it up because he isn't telling you of his future plans and I wouldn't be surprised if he makes this harder on you than it has to be.
I have a friend whose W moved temporarily to stay with family while he retired from the Army and moved to AL for a job. He was looking for a house and getting things settled. She stalled and as soon as she could declare residency in Wisconsin, she filed for D. He knew they had some things to work out when she moved to AL, but believed her when she said she'd give the M a chance. A friend tried to warn about his wife's plans, but he was in denial and didn't want to pursue a legal separation. It was hard for him to get a good lawyer to represent him so far away.. she quit her job and he was the sole breadwinner when they D'd even though she has a degree and had a very good job for 10 years. He was accused of deserting his family and his child support and alimony is more than his Army retirement check. Of course, his is the D from h*ll and an extreme, but there comes a time when protecting ourselves is very important.
Just a word of caution to not be blindsided unecessarily.
Hugggs.. you sound strong Hope you feel better very soon!
I got off work early on Friday, threw some things in a bag and took off for my parents house. I had emailed H and told him I was leaving. H called me on my drive out there. He was quiet, but asked me to please let him know when I made it to my parent's place. I got there about 9:30 and D4 was awake and waiting for me. It was so nice to snuggle with her that night.
On Sat., my mom, niece, D4 and I went up to see my cousin's house. She's single and bought an older home that she has almost completely renovated. Afterwards, we met my other 2 nieces for lunch. It was fun to be there with all 3 of my nieces, my mom & D4.
H called on Sat., asking what we needed from the store, as he was going grocery shopping. He did talk to D4 too. He just asked that I call him before we left to come back home.
Sat. night my sister had a small party at their house. It was nice to see a few people that I know. My cousin, whose house I'd gone up to see, also came over.
On Sun., we got up and went to church with my parents. D4 was super excited because she got to attend Sunday school again. She was so good in church too. She has become friends with the little boy that lives next door to my sister. They sat in church together reading books & coloring. They were both great. After church it was snowing like crazy. We got our stuff together, called H & took off for home. The drive was good.
Sun. night H was okay with us. He was wonderful with D4. She hung on him like crazy, but still wanted her mom to get her to bed. Sometime during the night H came into our bedroom & laid down with me. I think he wanted me to initiate things. I didn't. He eventually got up and went to lay back in the den. I heard him get on the pc. He tried to flirt a little with me this morning. Although the flirting seems to have nothing to do with wanting me back, it does seem to be a result of my lack of interest in a few things. H talked about having his buddy over on Sat. night. I asked very few questions about that. He also talked about a few other things. I was polite, but did not question him.
I really need to run. Busy, busy day.
Sues
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
When he acts nicely towards you, your H seems to have the idea that his problems (alcoholism in particular) are completely distinct from your R problems. As if he could ignore his own issues and still possibly see things work out between the two of you.
Eventually, I suspect you will have to draw the line in sand for him - he'll have to clean up and stay sober BEFORE things can be OK for your R - not afterwards.
You do sound stronger every day - proud of you!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Yay for D4 being home with you and yay for Daddy for being a good Daddy. I agree with Rob, I believe H doesn't see his drinking as a problem at all, not at all a part of the R problems. Getting him to see that will be tough.
I agree that you are getting so strong. I am proud of you. You were always strong, its just coming out now!
NoCode, thanks for checking on me. I've been lurking on your thread. I'm sorry about the job demotion. I saw everyone's post, including the wise Theo. I, in no way see how you've failed your sons. You have been there for them and shown them all the love you can. You are a good father and they see that.
It's been a bit quiet around home lately. H has done some strange things. On Monday he called to see if I needed anything from the store, as he had to run over his lunch. He came home & and had dinner with us and stayed home all night. In fact, the day was similar on Tuesday too. D4 had asked if I could take her to school on Tuesday morning. H got up and made us all breakfast and had our lunches all made. Last night he was a bit more snippy with me. He'd called me during the day. He had been planning on going back home in May to go to a concert with his brother. Airfare has gone through the roof out of Minneapolis and it has more than doubled since he first checked. He said he might drive and wanted to know if I wanted to go with. He was more than shocked when I told him that I'd have to think about it. His response was......What?....Why do you have to think about it?......Do you have plans? So, that might have been part of the reason he was snippy. H kept coming into the bedroom last night where I was watching tv, but then would snap at me for looking at him the wrong way. Oh, and D4 announced to him that she and I are going to a baseball game with a friend of mine & her girls. I think he's very confused about what's going on with me. I went to a happy hour by myself last week and now a baseball game??? Not like Sue at all!
Anyway, last night H hung around home until after 11:00 and then left to go workout. He dug around his is dresser drawer for what I call his "magic pills" and then brushed his teeth. Yeah, not sure if he was actually lifting weights for his workout last night. He called this morning and talked to me for just a few minutes before leaving to drop off D4.
I think he and OW had some sort of rift. I spoke with OW's H on Tuesday. From what he said, OW had some very strange behavior and was very upset around the same time that my H's behavior started to change too. She said on Thursday that she feels like her life is over, a mess. She told her H that if she divorces him, her children will suffer. If she stays with him, then she doesn't get what she wants. He convinced her that night to see a C. By Sunday, she was back to telling him that she wanted no part of the M and she would not see a C. Now, I know my H has tried to contact OW by phone call & by sending her the songs with a "I miss you, I can't live without you..." theme, but I don't know anything else.
I have to be honest with everyone here. I told this to a very good friend off the board and she told me to put it out here. My H has been asking me to come to grips with the fact that it's over and that we aren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I mentioned earlier in my posts that his nice behavior early in the week actually scared me. Over the past almost 3-4 weeks, I have turned a page. I have come to grips with this and have done what he's asked me. To realize it's over. I've come to see how a WAS feels when we beg and plead for them to come back. My H came no where near begging or pleading with me. The very sight of any "nice H" made me want to head for the hills. I felt guilty for my child for feeling that way, but I'm being honest about how I feel. I want to move forward and be happy. Now, I may be getting ahead of myself by assuming that H would come back if it ended between him and OW, but I have known my H for 17 years. He is the type of person that needs companionship.....even it it's temporary until he finds something better. He, in so many words, has told me over the past few years that we never should have continued our M after his first affair. I sat last night thinking about all the things that would need to change before I'd want my M back again. I know there are too many things for my H to handle. However, I also know that if he would come back and I said No, it's too late..........that he would blame me for the split of our family. He would tell me that I begged him to stay and that ....well, here he is.
I might be rambling, but I'm just confused.
Well, it's a messy rainy/snowy mix here and it's time for me to head out and get D4.
Last edited by SueS; 04/10/0810:02 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Im so proud of you. You have come such a long way. I can feel the strength in your post. You have come passed the stage of begging, way past. You want to get on with your life, and this is a good thing. Now you have to decide if you are going to wait for him to make the first move, or are you? I can't answer which is better, but you have to do what's right for you and your daughter.
He will not change unless he wants to, and even though he's being nice some days, we have seen this before in him, but then he just resorts to his old self. So its some sort of cycle with him. You deserve better and so does your daughter.He will always be her father, that will never change, but you don't have to be part of his hysteria. As long as he is a good father to her, then you can begin to seperate yourself from him and deal with him as your daughter's father and that's all.
I know you will be able to do it sue, you can. You are a wonderful person and I great mom, and somewhere out there is someone who will love and appreciate you as you should be.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Hope you feel better very soon!
