Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

Hey Scott - thank you for the b'day wishes - I had a lovely day!

Onto an update on my sitch - all is still good.

I should have said I gave H a mini bomb in November. I didn't do it out of spite, but I really couldn't see a way through. I didn't say I would leave him, in fact I said I DIDN'T want to, but I said I felt that I was still taking the lion's share of the house admin/work, orgainsing our time/finances etc etc. For example, it's me who opens the post and files it, me who does the food shopping (I have a car, H can't drive so it makes sense), me who tells H when we need to save more money, and it's often me who decides where we go/what we do with our free time.

I was not happy with this, to me it means I'm still in control and I would prefer a partnership. I felt if we carried on like this H would end up in his "I feel controlled" mode (even though he contributed to that by never speaking up and stating what he wanted).

So on Nov 13th/14th I said I'd had enough. The house needs some tlc, there is a wall in the garden where the render has come off and it's ugly concrete blocks, I had been saying "what shall we do about the wall" and no real answer .... so I stopped nagging cos that's a cheeseless tunnel. But - no nagging = H happy, nothing gets done. Not an ideal solution either. So I asked H "what do I need to do? I don't want to nag and you don't like it when I nag, but if I don't nothing gets done. So what is the answer?".

H stated he would make more of an effort, not just with the house but with putting me "first" sometimes (at times I feel I come a poor second after work, the gym, his need to stop for a quick pint on the way home). I don't need to be "first" all of the time, I understand life does get in the way, but as long as I see me coming first sometimes that's fine. H also asked me to look out for the positives and focus on them.

So the deal was - his task was to make more of an effort, mine was to notice the positives and put less focus on the negative. I agreed with this readliy.

So we'd had the talk, and I'd stated what i wanted. Then on Weds night H tells me he has a NY resolution - he wants us to decorate the living room AND he is going to look into sorting out the wall, cos he's fed up with looking at it. H said in the new year we should sit down together and come up with ideas on how we want the living room to look, then really put the time in to create that. H also said he was going to speak to a few builders about the wall. he said he'd like us to do most of the work ourselves as it's more satisfying, but realised some building jobs are best left to the professionals.

Me? I could feel my jaw wanting to hit the floor. I'd been 180'd!!!!!!! Of course I was SO PLEASED!!! I had got what I wanted. Now I will see if he makes good on this, but my gut feeling says yes he will. it's just so refershing that HE took the lead on this. He even said he'd "let things slide" in the summer but now he wanted to get stuck in (with the house stuff I mean).

Contrast this with MLC H in 2005/6 - didn't want to do anything, life was "too regimented", he never had fun anymore, everything was all too much and he just wanted to forget all his responsibilities and go out and enjoy himself. He's gorwing up, realising that there has to be a balance. Yes we can have fun but if it means racking up loads of credit card debt then we have to think of alternative ways to enjoy ourselves. Yes it's nice to go out but if the house is a tip and we don't like living in a tip then if we both put in a couple of hours we can get it tidy enough (just enough, not pristine) and then go out and have fun.

The alien which invaded my H has gone. I can now see the H I always wanted. It took a HECK of a lot of patience to get here though. I hope it stays.

[Jeff223]

Good read.

Happy Holiday.

[SDFoundGirl]

Jen--

Will comment more later, but I wanted to make sure I dropped by and 1) thanked you for your comments on my thread and 2) wished you a merry christmas.

Congrats!

SD

[NikB]

Hey Jen - Merry Christmas!!!

Sounds like you are off to a great start for 08.

[Rob1231]

Jen, What a great way to start the new year. I've been thinking about sitting down with W to make some resolutions, to help us keep focused and on track. (Not exactly The Great Recommittal that I always wanted and never got - but a nice baby step in that direction, eh?)

So, remember, H is likely to backslide a little on his 180 - we all do, right? But his heart is in the right place, and that's the most important thing! Now, I think you don't have to completely sit back and wait for him to follow through. I would say your challenge is to find the right balance of gently encouraging and validating his desire to improve, but not going so far as to "nag" about them. I suspect he might even welcome just a little well-meaning nudging to keep him on track and motivated.

Have an amazing new year - you're a great lady and you have earned it!

[Jen_Jam]

Haven't updated in a while ... life is good. I like my life. I like myself. I even like my job!

But H ... I'm not so sure anymore. I've been thinking about this for some time and I believe I have been giving him chances but I'm not sure anymore.

I asked him to step up to the mark and take on more of the household, diurnal stuff. But I still feel like I have a child.

I asked for him to tell me I looked nice at least twice a week. I get a token effort, then nothing.

Hi LD is still there. We ML about a week ago but then he pointed out he always rises to the occasion when he needs a pee, so wasn't it convenient? I feel so ugly.

I don't know what to do. Nagging doesn't work and it's not something I enjoy. Asking calmly doesn't work.

I suppose I'm here as one last ditch. I don't want to get a D but I really miss being important, attractive, loved. I see so many people here who truly love their spouses and it's touching to see the care and effort they will put in. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall at home.

I see I have two choices. Limp on in this M where we are really nothing more than friends or get a D. Neither of them appeal to me. I don't expect hearts and flowers all the time, I realise that being M is not Hollywood. I just don't know what I can do to bring more passion, love and excitement back. I suggested we go out tonight, just to chat and catch up, to reconnect, but it's now gone 10 and he's still at work.

Why do i bother?

[inspiredjulie]

(((jenJam)))

[NikB]

I see I have two choices. Limp on in this M where we are really nothing more than friends or get a D.

((((jenjam)))))

Is there something in between that might just work? Something different that would emphasize the seriousness to your H, and might shock him into improving?

[SDFoundGirl]

Have you read Michele's other book, The Sex Starved Marriage? Maybe there are some things in there that might help you think through this issue.

A question...how are you on the GAL stuff? Because that's a place where I've faltered...and I know that when I am really working on GAL, not only is my PMA higher, but I am more attractive to my H. He is all hot and bothered lately because I have started painting on the weekends...even though I am really no artist. But it makes me happy, and I love giving myself permission to just suck at it. My art has gotten a lot better since I stopped trying, lol.

Refocusing on those hobbies has another upside as well: it puts your attention on you and what you're doing instead of on H and what he's NOT doing. Since I've been working on detaching, since I've re-engaged in GAL/PMA activities more, and since I've given him my boundaries, it's gotten better. Perhaps you could draft a similar list? In writing, what you want and what you're willing to do as well.

I'm sorry you're in this place. I swear, your H and my H ARE twins. Maybe you and I should just go find some hot cabana boys to ride like ponies and maintain a M and friendship with our H's. What do you think? *grin*

BTW, how are you making yourself happy these days?

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Julie, Nic and SD (and someone else who emailed me ... you know who you are and thank you)

thank you! I was half expecting a "hey you're lucky, your H is home". And I am. But the probs we had before he left, me wanting more intimacy .. still there.

We are going out in a mo so shall see what H does. Talking doesn't seem to work, so will try action. Trouble is, as long as I am happy and smiling H thinks "oh, Jen's OK, I don't have to make any effort" ARGH!!!!

SD - GAL, yes I have dropped that off a bit. We have guinea pigs, one of them at the moment is a bit poorly, so most of my GAL consists of force feeding her and cleaning her bottom! We've lost 3 since Nov 30th too, so most of my attention has been on them. Not the most attractive of GAL. I think I may try the list in writing though. I've not written H a letter for a bit, good idea to try. So Nic, you're right, the talking isn't working, time to stop that cheeseless tunnel. Trouble is, not sure which tunnel to try next. Will carry on thinking.

How am I making myself happy? Not sure, being appreciative of who I am, realising that my low self esteem is gone, that yes I make mistakes and can't be perfect, losing 21lbs (although I have had a few run-ins with lager and chocolate this week) and mainly guinea pigs. Set up a new, much larger, home made cage for them, done a lot more research on them, got them a lot of toys etc (and mostly from pound shops (dollar stores in the US), having pets doesn't have to be expensive.) We lost 3 but we have 3 new ones from a rescue, 4 girls in total.

If all that fails - I have no idea what a cabana boy is but I DO like the idea of riding one like a pony!!!