"Saru mo ki kara ochiru."

[faithisbelieving]

To all..this has been a very long road. Trust me...I remember the day of the bomb quite clearly. Always will. I believe what is written with the toxic stuff. This is NOT failure..it's a lesson in life. To think otherwise is victimizing oneself. It took me 2 years to learn that...and I am still learning.

If anyone goes back to my earlier posts, it was a sad time. Someone who saw babysteps when his W was having sex with another man. I don't like that word anymore. I don't think there are babysteps...and I also don't believe anymore that it is selfish to expect that someone apologizes to you when they've hurt you...nor to accept the burden that is required to regain the trust and make good on the vows they broke.

Today....now...I speak from 'the outside'....from a place that many people don't want to be. It's a place that people fear here and, understandably so.

I am a plaintiff.

My W is a defendant.

The picture of me with my arm around her in front of the Matterhorn in Zermatt with the St. Bernard in front of us...is down and packed.

The huge wedding picture of us is....under her dresser.

My pillow....is on the couch downstairs.

My wedding ring....is in a box in our walk-in closet.

The gentle caresses....the intimate moments of being entwined with her under the covers...the smell of her hair as I drifted off to sleep in it...the warmth of her back against my chest....are gone....leaving behind only anger and an abyssmal cold. The earth is scorched and love segues into....indifference.

Time is a thief.

Yes...I love my wife..and if you think filing for divorce makes that go away, well, it doesn't. And I will miss her..or..should I say I will miss the way we were.

But..love ISN'T supposed to hurt...not like this, nor , inflicted upon us like it happens to so many here. So...to Nutty Chick....why? Why did I file? Why did I leave the masses here? Why did I do the 'abominable' thing here and leave the 'standers'? Why did I choose the DB path less travelled?

The answer is complicated, but, in some ways easy. The complicated answer lies in almost 2 years of posts here which you can read. The simple answer is....I came to the conclusion that my M had become destructive to me as a person and that for me, the hope for reconciliation was, in fact, a form of denial. You can't 'fix' your marriage by yourself...and life is too short to be hanging onto someone who has no interest in you.

To make it even simpler, I think there were three events that told me that there was something wrong with my W that, without commitment to medication and intense therapy, would never allow us to heal:

• the castigation of our nephew, age 5, who lives across the street, to the point of denigrating him verbally in front of our son (his cousin) and writing a letter to the Superintendent of Schools to have him 'banished' to the front seat of the bus..even though his brother, age 8 wanted to sit with him. Ironically, my W is his godmother
• my W arranging me to babysit for our kids the night she had an 'outing' with OM....and when I arrived 10 minutes late, she yelled at me for delaying her to go out
• after discovery of OM3...she pushed my wedding band back on my finger..in front of our children, bringing on a reaction of joy from my S7..proceeding to give me 2 powerfully written cards of wanting the M back..wanting our life back....and then continuing with OM3. On 12/2 I found that she 'googled' his name..but..not just on google...she went into 'MySpace' and searched his name, implying that she was looking for intimate information on him. Not only did she violate my trust again, but she violated the 'visual promise' that she made in front of my son

I can vouch for the destruction that divorce causes. Not only the hurt but the financial pain as well (I hear the forensic atty. that will at one point review my practice will cost me $20,000).

I chose this. I asked myself...would my children suffer MORE....if I stayed with my W...and I said 'yes'. I cannot live, here, without knowing where my W is with whom. I asked myself could I live without trust? I asked myself, would my W...EVER ..have the strength, courage and integrity to repair this? You know my answers to these questions.

Finally, last night, I was reading Dr. Seuss to both my kids when, near the end, my W came upstairs and plopped herself in the bed. I arose to 'go to the bathroom' and went downstairs to take my place on the proverbial couch. It was not long before my son came downstairs.

S7: Dad...why did you go downstairs? Aren't you going to go sleep with us and mommy?

Long pause.

Me:...no...S7..
S7: Why????

And he bursts into tears.

In great pain, I reached over and pulled him into to me...and held his head to my chest...and I brushed his hair back and stroked his forehead...and thought very hard.

Me: S7...tonites daddy's night to sleep downstairs. I know this seems sad, but, I love you very much...and so does mom. This has nothing to do with you. You're a good boy. Daddy will always be here for you....and I will always...always love you.

I pray...that ...some of you...may find the reconciliation that you all so desperately wish to have.

God bless.

FIB