Wow, my first reply. Thanks cat03. If hope is the last thing that dies I wish for it to go now, and quickly. The reality is that in absence of a miracle, D will be done with or without my acceptance. GAL activities help to pass time and distract my thinking most times but always in the back of my mind and in my heart is a sadness I can't seem to let go of. On the surface it appears that I'm moving ahead, I just don't feel it yet. We've been S for over 16 months with no relief yet. I often wonder if I'll ever be able to stop looking back and accept that I have to look forward. Time, time will tell. I've tried to reach out to D17 with cards for B'day and Xmas with no response. Being 17 and having to endure this disruption in her life suggests that she's probably angry with me right now and I can understand why. I can only hope that time will allow a relationship in the future. Or, to beat myself up a little more I might suggest that I failed her as a father as I failed her mother as a husband? CRAP, back to therapy I go.
