Keep up the good work. Your W gave you information on houses? Wow, that's harsh but good for you for not taking the bait.
Yes, it's gratifying to have others see you as attractive. I have felt this myself during this separation, and we crave that validation. It's part of dealing with abandonment. It's easy to internalize a negative self image at times, but having others try to hook you up is a positive emotional step. Only you can decide if you want to go through with anything, but I think you are wise to lay off it for now. You hit the nail on the head in saying it's not fair to the other people, or to yourself.
One of the things that has stuck with me from Susan Anderson's work on abandonment is that we who feel abandoned may go in one of two directions: either we rush too quickly into a new relationship to feel needed, to feel love and give love, or we avoid a relationship out of fear of getting hurt again. Neither one is a good scenario. Of course, it's not always easy to see when the "right" balance has been struck but I do feel this takes time. I have found myself at times eager to seek a new R, but then I feel I've not totally detached from W yet. It's not necessarily that I want her back (I have a deep conflict still, though I lean toward thinking it's over and probably should be) but that I need more time to get through the pain of breaking up and figuring out some things I want in life. I'm on that path, but I feel a need to travel "alone" for a while longer before I seriously look for someone new. However, I do know that I am excited about the possibility of taking what I have learned about myself and relationships and finding something better than what I had before.
That's not easy, I feel. If we've really gained some insights about our needs and what we want and have to offer someone, I wonder if that shrinks the dating pool considerably. Do you think so? In other words, it might be relatively easy to find someone who's eager for a relationship, but harder to find someone who has really done the work to figure out themselves and what a R should feel like. Am I too pessimistic about that? Or is midlife precisely the time when we are likely to find that because so many people are like us--leaving failed marriages hopefully having learned some valuable lessons?
