I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

I'm not sure what happened there, but the link to that John Butler video didn't work.

Better Than

This is such a great song, wise words to live by every day. If you don't know the John Butler Trio, you should check them out. Really uplifting, positive music.

FA

[fooled again]

Journaling,

Not much to report, except to say that I'm doing okay at this "rope dropping". I haven't gone dark, just dim (mainly b/c of D7). I can see that H is starting to pursue, and starting to get frustrated b/c I'm not reacting the way he's used to, but whereas before I would have responded to his pursuit immediately, with hope and optimism, now I'm just steering my course and being pleasant and detached. When he starts to steer a convo towards our R, I invite him to share his feelings, but nothing so far, and I simply drop it. There is little more to be done for now, until H is clear on what it is that he really wants & who knows how long that will take. I'm feeling surprisingly calm about the whole thing, and have no sense of urgency as I've had for the past year.

Fri I went out w/ girlfriends and had a really fun nite. H text me about 6 or 7 times (some of them clearly pursuing) & then later accused me of being w/ a guy when I called D to say good night, but I just let it go. There were guys around, but I wasn't interested in any of them (well one was interesting to talk to, but that's all). H said to me before that he was afraid someone would walk away w/ me while he was figuring things out - I'm sure that fear is alive and kicking.

But I spent the day w/ H & D on Sat, which started out awkward, but ended up being really fun. I'm shaping my behavior and reactions to fit what a friend would be like. No matter the outcome, that is the R that I would hope to be able to maintain w/ H. H is away again all week and this physical distance is helping me with the emotional distance. In the past I've been very easily drawn into the game b/c I've wanted to save my M for so long. But now, all I want is some consistency, balance and peace in my life. The rest of it can wait.

FA

[butterflymom]

H said to me before that he was afraid someone would walk away w/ me while he was figuring things out

Heard the same thing from FW.

Still following along. You're doing fine. No expectations. No hopes up.

Continue to live your life and have fun with your friends.

BFM

[fooled again]

Thank you BFM.

Day by day it is getting easier, more natural to have no expectations. In the back of my mind I do still have hope, but it is more of a long term hope for the future, not so much an everyday kindof hope for something to change b/c of my actions or inactions. This is b/c I don't expect H to be able to figure his life out in the next few months.

I am concentrating on my life, my D, my interests and my friends. H is travelling alot, and that is probably the best thing for both of us right now.

FA

[fooled again]

Today I am exhausted. I was doing well and my life seemed to have settled down. What I was going for by going dim and detaching was to have a period of calm and peace, where H and I could had some interaction but we would both pretty much concentrate on our own lives, maybe see each other once a week as a family or something. I followed the suggestion that I not tell my H about this, but just do it.

Well quite the opposite has happened and I'm not really sure what to do - BFM, maybe you can help me with this.

Last night my H started talking to me and it was like a dam had burst. He is still out of town, and it has only been a short time of my going dim, but my detaching has elicited quite a reaction. He is scared, and last night it all started coming out, his fear, his frustration, he started bringing up the past and expressing his hopelessness, that he is a loser. He talked about how much I've changed and that I only changed because of what he did to me. This went on for about an hour and a half, long distance and even when we were saying goodnight, he could have continued. I know there is more to come.

What do I do now? My gut tells me that my H and I really need to do some talking about what we want to do now, whether we want to try to make this work or take a break. I know my H is terrified that I will start dating and he will lose me. But I also feel that he is not yet ready to fully commit to our M. Any reassurance I give doesn't seem to help him. The simple fact of my doing things w/ friends causes him anxiety b/c he thinks that if I'm out there and there are men around, he stands to lose me.

Any thoughts? BFM, I'm especially curious to hear if you went through this w/ FW.

[micoms]

FA,

Just checking on you. Seems you're in the same place I'm at, detached and holding. I think H 's dam bursting is a good thing. He has looked at what he has done and the damage he has caused. Reread The six Stages of a Mid Life Crises by hearts blessing, sounds like H might be moving into acceptance. Accept and validate his actuions and words. Reassure him he is ok.

Mike

[butterflymom]

Today I am exhausted. I was doing well and my life seemed to have settled down. What I was going for by going dim and detaching was to have a period of calm and peace, where H and I could had some interaction but we would both pretty much concentrate on our own lives, maybe see each other once a week as a family or something. I followed the suggestion that I not tell my H about this, but just do it.

Well quite the opposite has happened and I'm not really sure what to do - BFM, maybe you can help me with this.

Last night my H started talking to me and it was like a dam had burst. He is still out of town, and it has only been a short time of my going dim, but my detaching has elicited quite a reaction. He is scared, and last night it all started coming out, his fear, his frustration, he started bringing up the past and expressing his hopelessness, that he is a loser. He talked about how much I've changed and that I only changed because of what he did to me. This went on for about an hour and a half, long distance and even when we were saying goodnight, he could have continued. I know there is more to come.

What do I do now? My gut tells me that my H and I really need to do some talking about what we want to do now, whether we want to try to make this work or take a break. I know my H is terrified that I will start dating and he will lose me. But I also feel that he is not yet ready to fully commit to our M. Any reassurance I give doesn't seem to help him. The simple fact of my doing things w/ friends causes him anxiety b/c he thinks that if I'm out there and there are men around, he stands to lose me.

Any thoughts? BFM, I'm especially curious to hear if you went through this w/ FW.

What do you do now? Only you can REALLY know that, but I can tell you what I did at this point. FW did almost exactly the same thing and was scared of the same thing your H is scared of. He hated the thought of me with someone else. He hated the thought of our kids being tucked into bed every night by another man, he hated the thought of all he had worked for (house, family, kids, wife) "belonging" to someone else. He didn't want to lose any of that, but the pull of OW was so strong (FW has said that the endorphins and the "rush" of the affair is some incredibly strong stuff that made him feel like he was king of the world. A feeling he didn't want to lose either. So he was incredibly torn as it seems your H is too.

I remained calm and still. I didn't initiate any R talks with FW at this point. I let him come to me, and he did. Almost daily in some form or another. This stage with FW lasted about 1 1/2 - 2 months. I still see him as "faster" than most MLCers - just to give you some perspective of a time frame here. Patience is of the utmost importance.

I listened A LOT. There was very little talking from me, very little of my opinion about his relationship with OW or about if I thought what he was doing was right/wrong (I did slip up sometimes, but holding your tongue is hard to do all the time). I held back and let him talk and work stuff out on his own.

I let him know that I wanted our marriage to work, but that I would be fine if it didn't.

I let him know that my cue to "move on" and find someone else would be a final divorce decree - he kept saying that maybe we could get a divorce then possibly get married again later sometime in the future.

What's your "final straw"? When will you move on? Make sure your H knows you have a breaking point and you won't continue being single and waiting for him forever.

I let him know that I wasn't going to date anyone until we were fully and legally divorced. I also let him know that that was my decision, not due to hoping he was coming back. It was my decision because morally it wouldn't be right for me to do that. That it wouldn't set a good example for our kids to date while I was still married - whether we were living together or not.

I let him know that I was praying for him and the OW. That I was praying for both of them to listen to God's will in their lives, whatever that might be. Even if it meant that he and I weren't supposed to be together.

I told him that I prayed for for him to find peace of mind and for God to help him with the confusion and tough decisions he was facing.

I prayed for guidance for myself. I prayed that God would help me show FW love like He would show him love.

Sometime I listened to advice from people on here and sometimes I didn't. YOU know your situation better than anyone. Look at the advice given on here and take what works for you and leave the rest.

Good luck. I'll keep following along.

BFM

[butterflymom]

Also wanted to say to read my posts from around the late mid to late September through the end of Nov.

I posted some very detailed descriptions of conversations that I had with FW to give you some perspective on the types of things he was saying and how I was reacting.

I'll be praying for you and your H.

BFM

[fooled again]

Here's an image that helps me. I got it from a session with DB coach Chuck--you may want to schedule a session with one of the coaches, by the way. Anyway, he told me that the WAS has run away and built a big, thick wall to keep himself safe. The temptation for the LBS is to bang on the wall and try to tear it down, but the WAS just keeps building the wall higher and thicker. The LBS needs to stop trying to tear the wall down and to lay out a picnic instead and wait.

Eventually, the WAS will become curious and come out from behind the wall the check the picnic out.

Then he'll run back behind the wall for reasons that the LBS(and maybe even the WAS)doesn't understand.

If the LBS starts banging on the wall at this point, the WAS thinks, "Whew, that was close! Good thing I got out of there!" So instead, the LBS needs to go back, lay out the picnic again, and wait. The WAS will reappear and run away again, but the times out from behind the wall will be longer and the times behind the wall will be shorter until the WAS realizes that the wall is ridiculous.

Your H seems to be retreating in to the MLC tunnel again. This is so frustrating! But think about laying out that picnic. You are doing a fantastic job already. Keep doing what works.

Wow!! I pulled this quote from amd off your thread from Sept/07. I love imagery and find it helps me to understand and cope w/ things that confuse me. This one was very, very good.

As you can see, I'm taking your suggestion and starting to read your posts from last Sept and it helping me line things up in my own mind. Your H was very open w/ you about OW, his feelings and such, but mine is not, has never been, so I can't be sure that OW is gone. BUT, that being said, I doubt that matters. I think the panic that I'm seeing in my H is a direct reflection of him poking out from behind his "wall" and feeling vulnerable. He keeps talking about me deserving better, what I can't give him b/c of what he did to me, that I am holding back from giving my love to him and I need to find someone that I can give my love to unquestioningly. But he also talks about not being done, about wanting to be w/ me. I think he is overwhelmed with the enormity of the task of rebuilding our M after the "hurricane" of his A. I know it can be done, but he is not there yet.

In these discussions, I have been saying very little, despite the overwhelming urge to argue w/ him and defend myself. I'll keep doing what I've been doing - backing off and letting him work this out. But when I told him that I no longer believe that another person can or should make me happy, he said that that was wrong. He, like FW and so many other MLCers seem to be looking for their own happiness in another person. Maybe I can show him by my example that true happiness can only come from inside yourself.

For now I will not do anything, and will continue to let him initiate R talks, if that's what he needs to do.
BTW, for some reason I thought you had gone through all this quite some time ago until I started reading your thread. I guess it doesn't matter, but it shows me how quickly things can change, though that is not what I am expecting in my sitch. Thank you so much for your insights, BFM.

[butterflymom]

many people who have an affair feel like they have totally screwed up their lives and that there is no way to repair it. They don't feel like they deserve to be married to the innocent spouse. In their minds, they feel like it is more honorable to divorce the innocent spouse so they can go on and find someone "worthy" of them. Then they marry the OP because they feel like they have to do the right thing by them.

FW's response:

Okay - Did you know me before I started posting on 4060?? The above could have been written by me about me for me. Notice all the 'me's? It was all about me. It is part of the self-loathing and guilt over the mess I had made of my life. I told BFM time and again to move on. She deserved better. I was not worthy... Thank God she did not.

I was also hell-bent on marrying OW at the same time. We were making wedding plans even though I knew I would never be happy in the long run. At the time, I was able to justify my actions by saying OUT LOUD that the marriage was OVER and BFM deserved better. I had hoped to get BFM to bite and tell me I was right - See ya H2F. Then I could move on and do the right thing with OW (and get my career back on track) and start respecting myself more for not causing BFM and my children any more pain by dragging it out.

"you deserve better, go find yourself someone better than I am."

Heard those words many times from FW. I included his recent response to this behavior so you can see what MAY be going through your H's head.

Love that quote you pulled off my thread from amd. I always loved that analogy and even thought about including it in my response to you.

No, I'm fairly new to this. FW has been home nearly 5 months now and things are going great. It's still hard. We had a rough patch this week, but nothing too serious.

Good idea to hold your tongue for now. FW figured things out on his own without me having to drive my point home. It seemed a natural process for him anyway. I don't think they are all like that. Fw has always been very "in tune" with his feelings and able to work stuff out pretty well on his own.

As far as someone else making you happy. Fw has figured that one out too.

Just continue to show him love in a detached way. Don't try to control or argue with him or "fix" him. Just listen and encourage and BE PATIENT.

BFM