Without having to look through your threads, where is your husband sleeping? In your bed? If so, I'd think you'd need to change that. Do you have a guest room he could go into? Could you create a "guest room" for him to sleep in?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Without having to look through your threads, where is your husband sleeping? In your bed? If so, I'd think you'd need to change that. Do you have a guest room he could go into? Could you create a "guest room" for him to sleep in?
I like this too....create separation without a complete separation. If you can...I'd make it really separate...he should take his clothes out and get ready in a different bathroom if that's possible. I wouldn't let him get a view of you undressed...although that doesn't mean you can't wear stuff that leaves something to the imagination.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I like this too....create separation without a complete separation. If you can...I'd make it really separate...he should take his clothes out and get ready in a different bathroom if that's possible. I wouldn't let him get a view of you undressed...although that doesn't mean you can't wear stuff that leaves something to the imagination.
I agree. Start making private things private. Us men are visual creatures.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
ok guys. I called h at work at very db-like told him that it wasn't acceptable for him to just be away for the whole night and not let me know beforehand.
I get an email response from him that he will be gone ALL NIGHT tomorrow.
It's like he's acting like he has a "free pass" because I know about the affair now (he got caught) and that he told me "I don't love you anymore".
Hey Maryangela - I remember this 'phase' and it is the toughest. YOU still consider you two married, he doesn't. I'm talking emotionally..legally obviously is a different story. You've decided to separate in the future, and he's moving on with his life - right in front of you. Keep working on detaching. That is THE most important thing. No expectations.
As for practical "what to do today", you have a few choices and they are all very hard:
- Keep on as is. You're that W who knows her H is cheating and pretends nothing's going on.
- Separate as Just_Me suggested earlier (an in-house separation can work). I thought the way Just_Me suggested phrasing it was perfect. This will be INCREDIBLY hard, just so you're warned. You will need to set some basic ground rules (chores, child care, etc.) but beyond that, have no expectations of him. You'll have to live as if he's nothing more than a roommate (and do you care when your roommate goes out for the night or weekend? Nope.. and you also don't sleep with them, do everything for them, etc.).
You may also want to agree on a rule about no OW at the house. It's a good idea to phrase this one carefully - "Neither of us will bring a date to the house." NOT that you plan on dating but make sure it's clear that the rules apply evenly to both of you. (and yeah, I know it sounds outrageous to you that he'd have her over but yes, it's probably crossed his mind).
- You physically separate now, instead of waiting until the house sells. IMO this is easier on you emotionally, but harder in terms of making and showing positive changes that may turn your M around.
((maryangela))
Sorry, I know this is hard.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Dropped you an email - I literally can't talk right now (voice is completely gone from being sick).
(((mary)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
h is in full affair mode now. Came home last night and talked to her on our porch for over an hour (I knowthis because I accidentally heard part of the convo when i was in the bathroom and the window was open.
He is also not coming home tonight, as he informed me. We have a large house so being separate isn't a problem logistically, just emotionally. We can't sep. right now for financial reasons.
I really need help. HOW can I detatch while he is doing this now basically without care and so blatenly? (sorry for misspellings). I know I have to detatch and maybe it will get easier but I cannot believe the lack of respect right now.
Also, I am thinking of getting an emergency custody thing(can't remember exact name of document) from our county (ny state allows this). It basically gives me temp. full custody until perm. custody is dealt with (no papers have been filed for anything as of right now). I don't want him taking my kid near this woman, I feel like I have to protect her and myself. This really isn't a revenge thing for me. Will this fuel the fire?
I really need help. HOW can I detatch while he is doing this now basically without care and so blatenly? (sorry for misspellings). I know I have to detatch and maybe it will get easier but I cannot believe the lack of respect right now.
That should make it easier. He doesn't care whether you're privy to what's going on with OW. Doesn't that make you want to take a step back?
Quote:
He is also not coming home tonight, as he informed me. We have a large house so being separate isn't a problem logistically, just emotionally. We can't sep. right now for financial reasons.
I would move his stuff out of your closet tonight and into a different bedroom. Remove his toilettries from the bathroom. If you won't be around to clarify things, then leave him a note that says, "I've moved your things to xxxx." No further explanation should be necessary. Get in the mindset that he's your roommate.
I'll repeat my suggestion that you get out a couple nights a week. Give yourself space and treat yourself to something that you enjoy. Surround yourself, if possibly, with people that do treat you well. Do your best to connect really well with your kids.
I agree with you...get your legal ducks in a row. With any luck, you won't have to go that route, but it's better to have consulted with a lawyer and at least got some of the groundwork done.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I"m having such a hard day today. my h won't be home tonight (he informed me) and now I have to lie to our 5 year old who loves him dearly about tonight and tomorrow morning as to where he is. I can't sleep or eat.
