I was listening to Dr Laura the other day. A wife called in stating that her husband would repeatedly ask her to do some sexual acts that she wasn't comfortable with. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He was never physically abusive. He didn't force her to do it but he would always bring up the topic over and over again. After a series of questions, Dr. Laura said it was abusive behavior and that he either needed help or she needed to seperate temporarily for the kids sake until he did.
I bring this up because I related. I know I was a good husband in many ways. I took care of her in so many ways. The way she left me, her cheating and her lying have scarred me. Yet I can't dismiss the fact that in some ways I was really wrong. When we first got married, sex was very minimal (ie-we didn't have sex on the 2nd or 3rd day we were married, averaged about 2X per week...fairly low for a newlywed 20's couple). Having saved myself for her, I thought it would be much more rewarding, exciting and frequent. At first I tried to talk to her about it but as I became more frustrated I turned inward and was just a grumpy person. As our sexual relationship did not improve, I started to struggle with spending too much time on the computer. Not all of it was porn but much of it was lust--spending too much time on networking sites, lingerie sites, reading hollywood news, etc. I became facinated by certain lingerie that although I still think it is kind of sexy, I now see it was demeaning for her. I never forced her to wear it but I would bug her about it. She wore it but sometimes said she didn't feel sexy in it. Additionally, I told her about a fetish I had that would've hurt her health and pestered her about doing it as well. I guess what I am saying is that I do feel so much remorse for this. I was messed up and blinded by my own selfish desires. At the time, I thought it was just a small part of our M but it might have really been a huge turn-off for her. I justified my actions because I always felt that I would happily indulge in any of her fantasies but she never shared them with me despite repeatedly asking. I felt that marriage allowed each other to be very honest and open while exploring new things within the bounds of a committed relationship. I became so frustrated with the lack of intimacy that I turned to things that were degrading to her and damaging to our relationship. I never really felt that I was abusive or controlling until I thought about it yesterday. I have brought up some of these issues in counseling. He did not really react to it that much and said I probably turned to that because of my sexual needs not being met in a committed marriage. Not justified he said, but better than having an affair or giving up.
My guilt is that I wish I had the opportunity to fix my wayward ways. I wish I could at least tell her I'm sorry. But then I worry about the legal fallout of doing that. No, that doesn't fix her serious transgressions. But I feel my actions, combined with her difficult upbringing led her to make some of the choices that she did.
What advice do you have? Am I really that messed up? Should I be more focused on repairing this part of me in counseling or could it really have just been because of the underlying issues in the marriage. Has anyone else felt this type of regret?
