Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, CW, you did mention it. I've seen that site and of course the idea is wonderful; the problem I'm having is getting past my own hurt and anger so I can focus on my children first. It's really, really hard for me to imagine letting H change our family so much. I don't know how or when one can get to a place of letting go and thinking only of the children--is it a matter of time, and can it happen if H is still here? It doesn't feel like something I can simply DECIDE to do any more than my H feels like loving me is something he can decide.

I am still truly unable to imagine sitting down with our kids and dropping this bomb. This morning my d7 made H&I a picture with our names in a heart. D11 recently saw a bunch of the love letters H has written me out on top of my dresser (I had been torturing myself with them the night before). I know kids survive D all the time, but when it comes to actually doing it to your own kids--in my case it is very, very, very hard.

[cw68]

Yes, it is very hard. But it's a noble fight.

Start with the little ideas. I like the suggestion that you never say, "Your Dad" and you just say "Dad." Not "Your dad will be here to pick you up in a few minutes" but "Dad will be here to pick you up in a few minutes." I found that one to be an easy one to do.

Find a few that you know you can do. Make a pledge to yourself that you will do whatever you need to do FOR THEM. You'll be proud of yourself and know that you are doing what your kids need. I found that in my mind I had to take my H out of the situation because I, too, just couldn't believe what he was going to do to them. Instead of focusing on that, I focus on what I can do for them because the separation was inevitable.

[newnamenewlife]

CW, I know you had your H take responsibility even though you didn't turn him into a bad guy necessarily. What do the kids make of that piece of it--that it was his decision?

When I think of all that a D will entail--untangling almost 20 years of combined stuff, finances (and me being financially dependent on him for 12 years), it is just overwhelming, to say the least. H has done all the bills and financial stuff, retirement, etc.

We'd need another car, too, probably. And we have quite a bit of debt. And a renovation to make our 3rd floor a rentable apt.

Is it crazy to think he and I could agree to live together but only be friends/parents until we get logistics and finances figured out?

[newnamenewlife]

^BUMP^

[cw68]

I didn't see this the other day, or I would have responded earlier.

The kids simply just take it as it is, that Dad moved out. They aren't happy with it and wish he'd move home. They talk about how they were happier before. But they don't "blame" him, at least at this point in their young lives. I've tried really hard to not point him as the bad guy and I'm doing a pretty good job, but there have been times where I've slipped, though I try to make up for it right away.

I've been dependent upon my H for eight years. He did all the financials, etc. too and I'm slowly coming up to speed on things. This is the first time pretty much EVER that my H hasn't been freakishly hyper-tuned to our financials. He wasn't exactly controlling about them before, but did everything and never really welcomed my input. This is something that we've made huge strides on in our relationship and it's helped us both. It's also something that never would have happened on its own.

You tell me if that's crazy. I think it makes sense because there's not a lot of reason to make things financially worse, especially for you. I'm purposely trying to be extra smart with money to set things up better for the future. Hopefully a future together, but if we're not together, I don't want the financials to be any worse than they are now!

Do whatever you can to make the 3rd floor rentable yourself. It can be a 180, a together project, whatever. It's a good move and there's always an inexpensive and an expensive way to do things. Doing labor yourself is the single most effective way to save money on projects like that.

[newnamenewlife]

What is crazy is that we recently finished renovating the house so that we could use the third floor for us. We had renters before. We took out a huge main wall.

I guess these things evolve and it becomes clearer whose needs/boundaries take precedence in which situations. My feeling is that, by choosing to move out, my H is opting to no longer be a resident of our house--just like I am not going to be a resident of his crappy little apt. I'm not comfortable with being half-separated, and I also want him to feel the hugeness of what he is choosing. I'm part of a package deal--you want a nice house, yard, family life, then you gotta find a way to love me, baby!

[cw68]

LMG, I totally understand the package thing. That's how I felt at first. But since we both talk about how there's a "chance" for us, right now I'm trying to give him space and work on myself. Our lease is up at the end of July. If he's still "conflicted" then, the rules will totally change!

[thegoodfight]

Yeah,

I have been there also since my agreement is friends living together for the children's sake. I have thought what you thought, package deal. heck she still wants to do things as a family and go out of town to see my family. I really spent a lot of time struggling with it. Came to realize do I really want to put my own interests before my kids.

I know what you are thinking your not the own that wants the D. or seperation, again I can relate. I don't have the answer but think good and hard, I personally think you have a better chance staying as close togehter as you can. I also believe it is the best thing for the kids as long as it does not foster conflict.

Having said all that you would make a huge sacrifice agreeing to it, I know it hurts every day, but I think of our son and he is totally innocent and I know what he would say if he understood and I know what type of example I want to show him.

Sometimes the best thing is to put others before yourself, but only if you can handle it. Trust me it is not fun sometimes. I am very sorry we are all in the position we are in.

[newnamenewlife]

I get what you're saying about staying friends--but I also think that my girls would find it confusing for their dad to hang around here and then leave to sleep elsewhere. They ask a lot of questions about everything and they will certainly grill us about why daddy can't stay here, etc. Also, I think it would only feed their hopes that we'd get back together--which is what all kids want.

I can see possibly being more flexible about H's being in our house in the future, but I think we will need a cooling-off period to establish the separation--otherwise why bother separating?

The whole thing seems so not worth it!

[thegoodfight]

I see your point as well. A cooling off period sounds very resonable.